Happy new years!

           I cannot jump to the conclusion and say that New Years has gotten me thinking. I think it is just this time in my life which has gotten me thinking. Ever since I was a small child I have wanted to go to Ireland and Scotland . When asked where I would go in a second on a whim it would always be to one or both of those places. I’m in a position in my life where I can afford to do so, and I have decided to go. It has long been a dream nagging at me in the background of my life. It is time to go. Time to be able to do something on my own and take a little while to realize who I am. I was told, by a medium, a while back that my life would involve journeys to find myself. I’ve felt compelled to take this journey for so long that I believe it is time to do it.

            I have more than enough money to get myself there and back and do the Connamara trail on horseback. I’ve always wanted to ride the sturdy rugged ponies of Ireland along the coast, and I have decided that I will be investing in this journey. I do not want to lose out on doing this for myself. I need it, and I want to do it. I’m going to find out more information and see if a specific friend of mine will come along for the ride. I will do it, even if I have to do it by myself, but I would like another soul searching companion for the ride.

            I need to do something – to stop working and take some time to myself. I need to figure out my life and get my head in order. I’ve needed a fresh start for years, and I think this is the way to do it.

            My parents will be listing our house for sale at the beginning of March. I cannot fathom how this has come, so quickly, to pass. Living here I’ve been content, happy even. But of late my mind has wandered too deeply into the story I wrote and too deeply into my concepts of fate and of destiny. Of Soulmates, who may or may not be found, and lost, throughout one’s lifetime.

            Fate is an amazing concept. For the longest time I believed that fate guided people thorough the choices in their lives. It was what I felt I had to tell myself to make my life easier to understand. My heart aches every single day. I cannot stand it, and I cannot escape it. I do not mean to say that I am miserable, but I am merely existing where I should be doing much, much more.

            It is time to figure out what I want from my life, from my prospects. I once thought that at this point in my life I would be like so many of my friends from highschoo, engaged, living with my boyfriend, and happy. But alas, fate has different things in mind for me. I wonder if my dreams of running off to Ireland and staying will ever happen. At least I will get to see the land of my ancestors, and not that far back, and be able to take a look at the world they lived in. My Grandparents were the generation on my father’s side which came to the US . They were from Ireland directly, and thusly I’m a little over half irish, as my mother had a bit in her lineage somewhere as well.

            I am Irish, Scottish, English, and Welsh. I am searching for myself in a world where everything and everyone is a combination of something. We are not just one thing. I need to take a look at the places which have been calling to me since childhood. How does a parent deal with a three year old who tells her that she has to go see Ireland and Scotland one day. A three year old? A three year old who has no concept of other countries tells her parents that she wants to go there, nay, that she has to go there. Yes, I would say that is something a little more drastic than fate itself. What awaits me in these places I have no idea, but the idea of disappearing off into Ireland and Scotland sounds like a more and more amazing idea the more I think about it.

            I am at a point in my life where I have the ability to do these things. I have the time, money, and family support. I am not leaving someone I love behind, for right now, there is nothing close to love in my heart holding me back. I thought once, that my love would be enough for the dreams I had in mind, but it seems that as time has passed, the love has faded only slightly, but my dreams have faded completely. There is no way to be in love when it hurts all the time. People say no pain no gain, and they say love hurts, but the truth of the matter is, the thing that makes love worth it is the lack of pain, the happiness, and the body warming joy that you feel when you’re in love. Love is not hurting all the time, nor is it feeling as though you spurn every memory of your past because you are so hurt by the feelings you still have that you really could just dissolve into the darkness there.

            Unrequited love has been written about for centuries, but what is love where you both love, and are unable to make it work? Good question. If you have an answer, please let me know and I’ll write it into my book on soulmates, because, currently, I think it is pretty lame to feel the way I do.

            It is time for something new, some new person and new adventure. It is time…also to close. So I’ll end this and send this and post it later.

~M

My World.

       So these days the snow is already melting and I'm almost missing the whole thought of the world being so beautiful and white. Things were so beautiful and calm for a few days. I even got an extra day off of work because I was completely snowed it. The dogs loved it, well, three of them loved it, Spike looked at me like I was crazy. This was Taz's first real winter, as he was a very little puppy when it was snowing last year. He was running around like a maniac and coming in covered in snow. He was quite happy about this though, and went outside so many times in one day!
       Beyond that, I made it through Christmas sales, and really kicked the butt on the sales floor. I've had a few offers from other pen companies, but I'm beginning to think that it is time to leave the East coast and go somewhere else. Chicago is an open offer, and I'm thinking that currently there isn't much for me here. I have few friends, and even then they're not my best friends -- Charlie is as close as I get to having a best friend here. I know that even if I left, we'd stay in touch.
       The question has become what I want to do with my life.

Off for dinner and presents with Charlie. I'll update more later.

Wet and Dreary

As I sit on my bed looking out the window I can only see the constant stream of rain coming down. The bark on the trees is darkened and the green moss stands out -- in stark contrast -- to the darkness of the shadows beyond it.
I almost wish it were snow. We have already been turned white once this winter, and so soon I long for the snow to fall again. There is no particular reason for this want, but to feel the world slow to a stand still as people try and take in to account that the snow on the roads is slowing everything down. Right now, my life feels as though it is hurtling through time at a million miles a minute. There is so much going on and the headaches are so bad lately that I am beginning to be entirely too stressed out by the season I used to so love and adore. Granted, Fall, is my favorite seasons, the way the trees turn colors and then leaves blow gradually to the ground. But fall always falls short lately, of the beautiful season it is farther up north. How I miss the season at Gettysburg, where the trees took ages to turn their colors and their leaves stayed happily and colorful in the trees for weeks on end. So what does it mean to have this fall apart the way it has. Gettysburg felt like the season was frozen in time for weeks on end. It was flawlessly beautiful and I miss wandering through the slowly falling leaves and sitting outside at night listening to them blow along the path ways.
Lately, it has been just rain. Or ice, which thanks to my new tires is much easier to drive in. But, it seems that fall faded away to the brown decay of dead leaves way too fast this year. I do not envy people without seasons, on the coast of CA for instance, but at the same time, I long to be father North where things take time to happen in this season, and where they are most certainly more prepared for the snow and ice which so soon follow fall.
I used to love the winter. But that too has faded into the past. Now it is a cold and dreary seasons, a single season perhaps. Where everything falls to the wayside because you are alone. It is the cold season, where someone else in your bed is the best thing at night, and holding hands outside is the easiest way for your hands to stay warm. It is a time when you see friends and family, perhaps his, not just your own. It is a time for twos. A time which leads into the new year, and lets face it, being alone on new years just sucks. I have a running tally of 23 years single on New Years, and I have a feeling it is going to soon be 24. It is odd to me, that this season has taken such a turn from what it used to be. It was once a time for family, and now it is a time for the future. You see family, yes, but you spend your time trying to figure out the gift for the person you care about most. Well. I won't have to do that this year. And every year past I've never had that simple problem. *shrugs*
What makes this season worse is that now it blends all the way through the season and into the dreaded holiday of every single person, National single's awareness day. Valentines day for all of those people who are so happily in love that they do not consider what others feel on that day. Oh, that is another record. I've never dated anyone through Valentines day -- ever.  Just once I would love to have something to do on that day with someone I so care about. I guess it does not help when one is a romantic. It does not make life easier when you realize that the things you dream or wish would happen do not. You do not get romantic surprises these days. It is almost as though most girls are so easy that guys no longer have to try. And, if you're someone who is in love, please don't force yourself into pretending that stars will fall from the sky and he'll realize that he loves you back. It just doesn't work that way. Trust me. I waited over five years for dreams to happen, for one romantic gesture, for one little thing, and it doesn't happen.
Call me a cynic if you wish. I know I am young to be so cynical. But I've spent what seems like a million lifetimes learning that fairy tales are not all they've cracked up to be. Princes do not arrive on white horses to take you away. They do not appear out of nowhere as a romantic gesture. They do not say "I love you" and they do not just show up to say hello. Alas, England yielded no Mr. Darcy, and the US has done a piss poor job of yielding any white knight, in whatever form.
Too bad we learn how much we can hurt when we are so young. A broken heart at eighteen is certainly better than losing your love earlier -- but perhaps if you're learning begins at an earlier age you realize that one day things really must changed, and perhaps you learn to heal better. Regardless, I was not on that discovery boat. I did not learn that life was much simpler lived alone, especially when your heart screamed for the one soul it could not, and can not have.
So welcome to winter, Ice Queen. For my heart is more frozen now than it ever was. I wonder, some days, if I'll ever have a chance to stop being so cynical. Perhaps yes, but most likely -- I fear -- that chance has passed.  So lead me, weather, through the days to come and wash away the pain with your snowflakes. They'll dance to the ground faster than my tears can freeze, and I hope, you'll take everything away from me. Thrust me into spring before I know, and remind me to take a deep breath and remember, soon will come the summer, and the anniversary of us meeting, but one day not long after, will be the day the world fell apart.
Dwell not, I tell myself, in the past which has pulled you so far apart, but push forwards to the future, to the next life, next love, next loss. For that is what you know. Breathe deeply and try to remember that the world is not fair, and in it's eyes, you are still not yet grown. You're but a child. As hard as it may be to admit, 23 is not old, not yet.

Just breathe in the rain. And watch the world blossom with the blessing of water. Forget what it is which ails you, and just breathe in the rain.

MUSIC

        So music and writing are taking over my life. I almost wrote that music and writing is because they are currently working as a semi-collective unit of the two things. It has been quite amazing that I've been trying so hard to figure things out. I mean, how do you forget what seems like a lifetime? Have you ever realized that you just cannot escape your memories?
       So I've been spending my time throwing my music in through my ears. I've been discovering all sorts of new music that I think I might be in love with. I really adore "Love and Theft" and I've also found that I really adore some of the music from my past. "Skillet" one of the new groups I've found. I'll reiterate the main fact, "Wait, how on earth is all the normal music about something depressing?" It just is. They write about things that people can identify with..."Does it scare you to realize that as a whole, people now identify with a more depressing form of a once happy medium?"
      There are some days where I really wonder what we've come to as a class of people who listen to music about sex, and murder, and unhappiness. Things are all about the constant depression that people feel inside. I think it is almost safe to say that we have been very socially situated to realize that we cannot identify with being happy as much as we can with being depressed. Why on earth is that the case?
      Right now, what I want the most, is a happy distraction, like one of my friend's exs... Though that would be an easy accomplishment, to me, it isn't really what I want. There is a really hot guy who seems to stop in and flirt lately, perhaps it is time to test out Keyonta's new theory. Either he's trying to ask me out, or hire me. LOL. Perhaps I should pursue the whole asking me out part :-). That would be pretty neat.
    What does it mean to have built a lifetime of memories only to try and forget? I assure you that I built more than what I had. I built a future. and I lost it.

Dreams

I know I did not sleep well last night. I know I dreamed. And I know I dreamed of Joe. I do not remember what I dreamed, but I know the feeling I woke up with this morning.

It is light with a shadow of darkness. Happiness with just a hint of sorrow. It was quite interesting. It left me feeling loss, but at the same time, it was not as bad as it had been before.

So Chicago...

So, with everything that is going on, I am actually beginning to lean towards going to Chicago. There is very little to keep me in MD now that I have decided to ditch the job and start with something else. In Chicago I might be able to get into publishing, and that would be amazing. So, I am just not sure yet. I probably won't be sure until I actually leave. Who knows.

I'm waiting to hear about another job in MD with another pen company, who knows how that will turn out. It may be too good to be true. Perhaps it is just time to hang out and get into something new. I'm kinda looking forward to it, to being free for a little while. I just don't know anymore.

Chicago would be good for me. I would have a chance to meet new people and get out on the town. I would have a chance to live around people my age. That would be fun, for once.


That is the low-down for the time being.

~M~

Heads Up

There has not been much of note going on lately. I've begun participating in NaNoWriMo. It is a national competition for novel writing. My friend Angela challenged me, and I have completed about 45,600/50,000 words. The story is coming together quite well, and most certainly will not be finished in another four thousand words. But, I am actually quite proud of what I have accomplished. I have spent a lot of time writing in 5,000 word portions at work. It has built quickly, but it has not yet come to any ending point what so ever. I know how i want it to end, for once, and perhaps,  I will get there at some point before this month is over. It is only the 21st, so, i have about nine more days to get something done. And, my mother's birthday is on the 30th. I need to remember to get her something and not forget about it.

I went out on Friday with a friend of mine. We chatted over a few beers at a local pub. It was a good evening, even if we were quite deafened by the music before we were able to get out there. We have come to an impasse where we are concerning finding relationships. They do not exactly throw themselves at you at a bar, so, you're shit out of luck trying to find them there. So we're thinking of ways to meet other people.

Brian came up from VA today. I met him online years ago. My Junior year of college. We hit it off, as friends, and have stayed thusly. His father recently died, and I think it has brought us closer together because he was able to get through it. I wish he lived closer so that we could get out and play together more often. He has been my disk golf partner for a while. Both of us are scathingly cynical for people of our age. But, we are jaded and I guess we deserve to hid behind our cynicism. We appreciate it for the shield it is, but we both have discussed whether or not we are actually hiding behind it too much. Perhaps we have to be a bit less cynical with the things which happen. I look forward to seeing where our lives take us.

Angela and I have stayed in touch, though we've been busy. We're enjoying it and having a bunch of fun writing. We're doing what we want to do, but we're just not sure where it is leading us for the future.

I guess that is the end of the news for the time being. I have not yet tackled another novel on my life, as it has been quite too hard trying to write a book and read another one at the same time. I do not want to end up poaching ideas by accident.

That is about the number,
~M~

What is this day?

I've been stuck feeling a day ahead or a day behind for a long time. I'm exhausted by the time changes which aren't actually happening. The emotions of the day to day are rather tiring, all the time, and it is not easy to deal with some of them on a daily basis.  Things are getting better though, but they often get better and then nosedive again. I cannot say that I blame them one little bit.
I've been interviewing a bunch of times and now I've had another one which might really be an amazing opportunity. It could be very very interesting to see if this works out. I cannot believe these things keep falling into my lap. I hope they do until everything goes smoothly :-)

anyway, that is the story. Forgetting becomes better each and every day. I guess maybe there are ways you cannot forget, but ways you can try to not remember. If that makes sense.

Anyway, welcome to my life. I'm working my damndest to try and figure everything out. I just don't know anymore, but I"m certain that things are happening and they'll continue to do so for a while. Hopefully my faith in fate will play out. Things have to play out eventually -- one just never knows what that way will be.

~M~

Seulement II

I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I don't know what it is that I could be doing wrong, but it has to be something because things are not going the way that they should be. It is coming around to that time of year again. The time when you should have something/someone who keeps you warm at night. You should have a connection with someone. I feel like a failure all the time. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, not able to do anything. I feel as though I'm missing something and that I am losing out on something I should have.
What makes me so different from all the happy people. I have to listen to now, not one, but two co-workers who are head over heels for some guys and all they do is talk about how great things are and how it is just going to keep going forwards. I have a feeling that they are going to be getting married to these two guys, and it makes me feel so left behind. Especially when they're saying that I should hang out with them, and their boyfriends. Wow, way to go third wheel. I have no interest in doing that at all. I don't feel like being the one who drags them down, or the one who has to sit around and deal with them all being so happy. I'm not happy.

I think that about sums it up. I'm not happy.

Migraines

I can tell I'm stressed when I'm not sleeping and the migraines are wracking my brain and turning it into a gelatinous pudding. Yes, that was a lot of information in one sentence, but I'm sticking with it. I cannot imagine that was a pleasant visual for most people, but I'm game to say that right now I feel like that pudding is slowly sliding it's way down my throat and out my ears. Perhaps that is why I'm so freaking unhappy and emotional tonight. I don't really know why. Things should be pretty level, but I'm feeling like a whining thirteen year old.
The flashbacks today were worse than they have been in a long time. I could feel his hand in mine and suddenly it was like I was right back there, sitting in the car, just happy to be next to him. It didn't matter what we were doing, or if we were seeing a goofy movie. We were just happy and content to be doing that. What the hell happened to that? What did I do wrong? I just don't understand. It hurts today, worse than it has hurt in a while. I feel so useless and so unwanted. I hate where I am but I think I'd hate other places too.
So what the hell do I do. This guy is in my head and I'm wrapped so tightly that my emotions run headlong into daydreams to keep me going. What on earth does that help? I'm so freaking tied up, and not in a good way, that I cannot fathom a way to separate myself from these memories which catch me and drag me so far down. I can feel his touch, and the wave of emotions crashes over me and slams me into the ground -- face first. I don't get it. I try to fight it, and I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm breaking tonight, and I don't want to lose it. I'm fighting it, but it is pulling me down. I thought that maybe I had a grasp on it, but apparently that was not the case as I'd thought.
I tried giving in to it, trying everything again. I've tried pretending that it never happened and that I never felt the need I've felt for years. I've done everything I can think of and I've failed to pull my heart away from his grasp. I'm dreaming about him and it is driving me to chaos during the days. But lately, when I take that deep calming breath to steady my life, I feel him crashing over me. I see him sitting, or looking off into the distance, and then I feel him. I feel him drag at me, pulling me as close to him as he can. And suddenly it is like I'm re-living some of the best times with him.
I'm not sure what it is about the memories. They crash over me from time to time, and today and yesterday have been particularly potent when it has come to these flashes. I've gone down to my knees, and leaned on my counter tops trying to remember how to breathe after the flashes come through. I feel the perfection I felt that we had, and suddenly, it is pulled away again. I cannot imagine how or why this is happening, or why it is suddenly getting worse. It doesn't make any sense.
I'm trying to be happy. I'm trying with all my heart and soul because that is what I want. I want to be happy. I want to move forwards, and I am just not sure how to manage that.

I guess that is the story for the night,
~M

Fall

There is something about the fall which makes me a lot more lonely than I am normally. I don't know if it is the calm, or the quite, or even if it really is just the darkness and the cold. I had a hard time with life today, and part of it was remembering things about Joe after crazy dreams last night. I'm not sure what the other part of it was really, but, it wasn't the best day. It also wasn't the worst.
It is really hard to be alone sometimes. It tears at you, and you're never quite sure what is the weather and what is the past memories. That is just how it goes some days.
Todays jaunt down memory lane really did suck, and I was quite unhappy to find myself down a memory lane which made me yearn for what there was once. I can't imagine never having that again, holding hands, walking around a park, just being together and having a change to talk. I feel pain thinking I'll never have that again, but I have to face the reality of that fact. Welcome to my life.


~M

For months I’ve looked at blank paper, at a blank page on a computer screne and waited. The flashing cursor or the blending lines grabbing my attention and sharpening it. Was what I had to say good enough to mar the un-touched surface of something I’d touched a thousand times? I couldn’t avoid it, but when at long last I’d put my pen to paper or my fingers to the keys there was nothing but the blankness that I saw in front of me. There were no words to express what I was feeling, and there were no major epiphanies to write about. The lines wavered and the cursor blinked, as though demanding something of me I wasn’t sure I could give right then. I’d look away, and look back only to be faced with the same dilema. I waited, and yearned for the words to write but they were un-interested in coming to me at that point. So I waited. 
I waited until I could find myself -- find what I wanted to say, and what I wanted to know about. I think a lot. I'm inside my own head A LOT. It can hinder me and it can make me hate my hesitations. 
...

...

What are you doing with your life?

The 31st Post on the 31st Day

Well, Happy Halloween. I had to start with that. Worshiping the "devil's holiday" according to Eva (my co-worker) anyway. There isn't too much going on. We (Lauren and I) spent our day just hanging out and chilling before we played with little children and gave out candy at the mall.

Yesterday was a 5,600$ day in the store. I did 1,500$ online, and then did a 3,800$ sale and an 800$ sale plus a bunch of hundred - two hundred dollar sales throughout the evening. I did awesome. Today my boss gave me $50 because of how good a day we had on Friday! W00t. I'm awesome.

I didn't get to see Mike again today, but, he texted when he got home from OK yesterday and we've chatted a bit tonight as well. He's out in Baltimore pirating it up. Sounds like fun, but I'm actually quite a bit happier being at home ready to get to bed. I'm so tired! And, I have to work all day tomorrow. I'll start with coffee in the morning and go from there. next week I have to being going to the gym more regularly -- especially because the season is over. It is time to make sure I stay in shape over the winter. It is what I really do need, and I've put on a few pounds (4-5) since I got back from CA. It was a weird few months for me. A week of being sick with lyme, and then three weeks on antibiotics for it, followed by another week of recovery. From there I popped something in my knee, which really hurt and probably wasn't good. So I was out of playing disk and out of shape for almost two months, which included me going to CA and hanging out there for a week. Now, I'm back and though I've been playing disk, it is just not a good enough workout to do that twice a week. So -- it is time to make use of this gym membership I'm paying for...

I read something today that got me thinking. I wasn't a book, though I'm still thinking about The Ice Queen and how it effected me while I was reading it, and once I'd finished. I was reading a post about whether or not being bi-polar was a good thing. I mean yes, you get extraordinarily happy about things, and ridiculously depressed and you feel like you're turned off from the world. Maybe it is a good thing to be happy when you're un-involved in the world. Perhaps that is a good way to be. Maybe if you don't notice the way you're feeling -- or the way you're hurting people. Maybe then, maybe then bi-polar disorder is a good thing. So get medicated, or fight it, but I think that you end up hurting people because you are excited about a situation or a relationship, and then you aren't. And you hurt the other person. You pull away and they are left with no answers, and you break them.

So no, bi-polar disorder isn't a good way to live. You'll end up alienating yourself and you'll be unable to continue to constantly push away people and then pull them back. Sooner or later they will realize that you will continue the same pattern of behavior and you will then be unreliable and worthless to them. You will only bring them misery, your misery.

Does that make you happy? I mean, if you're happy with the idea of life being blase, then fine. If you have no drive to go forwards then perhaps you are happy with that. I could never be happy being 'stuck' somewhere. But, if you have a lack of ambition, which is also a side effect of bi-polar disorder, then, fine, be happy with being bi-polar. But, I would imagine that you'll regret being in the situation you are in in a few years.

The other thing to add is the question of whether or not drug use has something to do with the lack of ambition. Using drugs changes your brain chemistry, and can lead you to have a completely different personality than you once had. *shrugs* I guess that sucks for everyone you. People will find other friends, other relationships, and other lives. They'll move on, but what will you do?

*ponder ponder*

kk, that's it for the night,
~M

A Final Goodbye

Everything else can wait, lets get to the important thing:

Tonight we say goodbye to Mr. Breeden, the father of Brian Breeden -- a very close friend of mine. I've known Brian for years now, though we never seem to see the time passing. We have passed it in company and in phone calls. We have been the ropes to bind each other to sanity. We have fought through hardships, but none such as what has come to pass this last weekend.
Saturday morning his father went into cardiac arrest and subsequently into a coma. It was confirmed this morning by the doctors that he would not recover from his heart attack and would never again regain consciousness.
Though I did not know him personally, I do know his son. And, in that alone I know he was a good man -- he raised an amazing son. Please keep the Breeden family in your hearts tonight, and always. It is terrifying to think of a loss such as this and I know Brian, as strong as he is, will still cherish every bit of support and comfort we can offer to him.

May he rest in peace.

The End of "The Ice Queen"

I finished "The Ice Queen" and man, has it rendered me illiterate and unable to form a cohesive thought.

It was excellent. I would recommend it to everyone. It is very good -- an unforgettable story which is different and makes you think. It combines so many interesting aspects, like chaos theory interwoven into fairy tales. It was super cool when they were including a bunch of things about lightening strikes and strike victims. wonderful writing. Overall A for the grade on this one. I really enjoyed it. I had trouble putting it down and spent the evening, at work, reading the end of this. It was nothing which was expected, but it was all the more challenging for the writer and exceptional for the reader!

Go get, and read, this book.

Dates :-)

I guess I need to write I've got a SECOND date with Mike Saturday hopefully!

It has been lots of fun chatting with him today, he likes to stay in touch! We had a great time last night hanging out and having coffee. He's away for the week, so we've been texting back and forth today, and he wants to see me again this weekend, hopefully Saturday!

I like this one a lot. I'll update more later!

DATES

Well, I've had a couple dates in the last few days. I'm super excited about the latest one. I went out with Jeff, a used-to-be army guy who has come out of the army and is now starting a new job working with computers, and Mike, a great conversationalist who has a ton of potential and is 26 (tall, cute, and ambitious).

I'll write more later. We'll see if Mike stays in touch! I sure hope so, but he'll be out of town for this whole week. *crosses fingers* this guy was a really good time. I had a great time hanging out with him, and I hope to see him again next weekend!

<3
~M

"The Ice Queen" By Alice Hoffman

I've begun yet another book. lol.

"The Ice Queen" By Alice Hoffman. Welcome to a world of interesting wishes gone wrong. An 8 year old girl wishes her mother won't come home, because her mother is spending the night out on her birthday. Her mother dies on the way to the party -- ice slick on the drive there. Here is an 8 year old who blames herself, her actions, and her words. A girl who, upon learning of her mother's death, leaves behind all her toys because she doesn't believe that she deserves them.
She stops being able to make any sort of connection with people. She becomes a librarian obsessed with death. She helps a local cop solve homicide cases, and has sex with him in the back seat of his car. Not because she wants him, but because she just wants sex. When he starts to love her, she hightails it away and runs from him.
She's now on her way down south to live with her brainiac brother who is very well educated and studies meteorology. He has taken her from her stupor in their grandmother's old house and re-located her down south with him. On their way down south, they encounter a thunderstorm. Her brother is happily writing down details of the thunderstorm and she says aloud that she wishes she'd get struck by lightning. There it was, another ill-fated wish, said too quickly to take back.
A few months later, she is struck by lightning, and her whole world changes.
She loses the ability to see the color red.

that is it so far, she's now getting on with her disabilities...and she's joined her brother's studies on people who have been struck by lightning.

~M

The Book List

I have nine books on my reading list, while I'm also attempting to re-read the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Series. I can't wait to read more of them, but I also have these books I 'should' read, to stay on top of the current trends, and so on and so forth.

1. "The Pact" by Jodi Picoult.
2. "Nineteen Minutes" by Jodi Picoult
3. "Picture Perfect" By Jodi Picoult
4. "The Time Traveler's Wife" By Audrey Niffenegger
5. "The Ice Queen" By Alice Hoffman
6. "The Host" By Stephenie Meyer
7. "Impossible" By Nancy Werlin
8. "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" re-released by quirk press
9. "The Memory Keeper's Daughter" by Kim Edwards

I think that is about it. I'm not sure which one I want to read first, but there is also another one I wanted to read, something about lace codes. "The Lace Reader" By Brunonia Barry.

I'll write on these each as I read through them. I'm having a crisis of conscience about number 8. I'm not sure if I am offended that they did this, or if I think it is hilarious...

"LifeHouse, BLIND"

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
and still I have the pain I have to carry
a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor


(chorus)

after all this time
would you ever wanna leave it
maybe you could not believe it
that my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you will ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
and I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me dies when I let you go


I guess it doesn't always make sense, what we feel. I'm not sure if I'm in a 'stage' right now, or if I'm just a good numb for the time being. I'm almost okay with being numb. I don't feel the pain and I don't feel the loss. But, I don't smile as much, and I certainly don't laugh as much as I have in the past. I guess they equal out. maybe. Eventually, this will stop bothering me, and I'll lull into forgetfulness...


eventually...

Finished

"The Lovely Bones"


If you want a book that ends with no conclusion but a mildly happy ending, then this is your book. It isn't that there is no ending, it is more that you're left with more questions than you have answers. I mean, hell, this girl is murdered, and then she falls back to earth and into the body of the girl her soul brushed on it's way from her body? WTF? It went from more of a normal story to infinity and beyond so to speak. I enjoyed the writing style, but found myself distracted and ready to skip through inconsequential paragraphs to get to the next page. If that makes sense. I'm not so sure I love this book, but it is an interesting take on something I hadn't thought much about. I do like that the whole idea is based around this girl trying to find herself in heaven. The theme pops out a little before half way, "the dead have to let go of the living before the living can move on."
I wish the author had written more about the perspective of the small younger brother of the murdered girl. I mean, the view of a child is much more interesting in a story like this. I felt this book was missing something. It was missing real details about some of the more major characters. The whole idea of some of the things which happen are...odd. A mother just up and leaves her 4 year old and her older daughter? Really. She completely leaves, drives across the country, and works at a winery. We don't get into her perspective -- we just treat her as the villain for leaving, and that isn't what she was.
I feel like this could have been better explained. We never really get Suzie's perspective of heaven, and the mystery of her death is never really resolved... I felt like there was so much more which should have happened.

Overall the book gets a C- from me. There was much more this could have done, and though it made me think a lot, I don't necessarily love the way it was written and the way it ended. It was a good idea but not as well produced as it could have been.

That is it on this one. Coming soon -- a list of books I have sitting on my desk ready to be read...and much more.

~M

Here we go...

Well, "The Lovely Bones" continues and I have to say that it is quite interesting. I'm still not quite sure what to make of it. The main character is Omnipotent and right now I feel as though this leaves me very little to work with. Basically, this is the story of the family's coping. It is quite weird. I feel like the author has just found a different way to write of the story of a family who has lost a daughter to murder. I mean, there doesn't seem to be much special about this book right now. I've read varying review of it lately, and some say wonderful and others say it sucks. There aren't too many in-between reviews. I cannot imagine what else is going to be happening in this story. The family is falling apart, and the dead daughter is just watching it from heaven. Her heaven is very strange. It is almost a high school structure, with no structure. It is very very strange. She doesn't have to go to class, but she is stuck there. She has a gazebo where she sits, and she watches the lives below her fall apart. It is getting to a point where she doesn't want to watch anymore. They say, that first the dead must let go of the living, before the living can let go of the dead.

Otherwise, I'm getting up at 3 to go watch a meteor shower, and then I'm going back to bed. So, enough for now. I'm on chapter 13 of this book, and there is much more to go.

~M

New Book Time

Welcome back my friends, to the wandering mind which never ceases, even to sleep. It has been a long few days of rain and I find myself introspective today. It has been weeks since everything major has happened, and I’m settling back into the ever-changing life that was mine before and is still after. What comes next I’m not really sure. So, from here it will be day to day of searching for a new job, no matter where that search takes me, as long as it isn’t the coast of California . Haha.

I’m starting to blog about some books again and right now the book of choice is a rather deep semi crazy book The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. This book was just released at the end of last month and I haven’t heard too many critiques of it so far. I’m pretty thrilled to be reading this book. It caught my eye at Costco the other day and I didn’t buy it, and then today, I managed to forget everything I’d planned to bring to work, so I headed to Borders Express and this book, yet again, caught my eye. I only have to be told twice. I’ve picked it up and read the first two chapters. They leave me feeling as though I need to deeply exhale. The weight of the words in this book is enormous. Here is the back cover expose on the book. A quite interesting read so far, I would recommend it to readers, but, it has only been two chapters. I’m already aching to read more about what is happening in this story.

Back Cover:

“My name was Salmon, like the fish; first name, Suzie. I was fourteen when I was murdered on December 6, 1973.”

            So begins the story of Suzie Salmon, who is adjusting to her new home in heaven, a place that is not at all what she expected, even as she is watching life on earth continue without her—her friends trading rumors about her disappearance, her killer trying to cover his tracks, her grief-stricken family unraveling.

            Out of unspeakable tragedy and loss, The Lovely Bones succeeds, miraculously, in building a tale filled with hope, humor, suspense, even joy.

That is it, for now. I’m heading into chapter three. I’ll let you know how it goes. When this one is finished there are ten others awaiting reading and review. I kinda feel like I’m back in English lit classes at school. Yay book reports. Can you imagine? I’m actually missing doing class work and book reviews. I’ve always loved writing about what I’m reading, and now I’m combining it with a journal that I’ve recently created to just write day to day. I’ll upload some of the entries from the last journal (deleted) on Jodi Picoult, who is a MUST READ author – well, most of her books are must reads. Some are…don’t waste your time reads… So, here we go… adventure time. So many books, so little time. I’m really looking forward to a lot of books, Perhaps tonight I’ll make a list of the ones I need to read and why I’m reading them. I’ll try and put them in some semblance of reading order!

Till then,

~M

Rainy Weekend Ponderings...

The Greeks believed that once there were not male and no female, that all souls were one. That there were bodies with four arms and four legs, and two heads and one soul. Then, the souls were torn apart, male and female were created. The Greeks thought that when you found the other half of your soul, your soul mate, that it would be your perfect match and perfect lover. But I think that if you find your other half, you would be too much alike to be lovers, but you would still be soul mates.

I want the dreams to stop. I want to stop thinking, "oh a text, I wonder if it is Joe." I want that to go away. Please. I don't need to want to talk to him, to need to feel him around. I tried leaving a message on his aim, and he either didn't get it, or didn't care. Whatever. I can't deal with this shit. Sometimes it hurts more than others, but right now, it really just sucks. A couple days ago it was really bad, but right now it is getting a little better day by day... Argh.

Seulement

Seulement. Alone. It sounds much less desolate in French. I wish, that I felt less desolate about being alone.  Right now, there is nothing less desolate about it right now. I'm jaded? Yeah, I'm jaded. I'm angry. I'm hurt, and I'm alone. I guess that is just how it goes. I miss Joe, but I'm feeling better as these days just keep going on and on and on. There isn't much I can do, I guess. I mean, I feel like I threw myself under the preverbal bus, or tractor trailer. I always thought that, as long as I wasn't getting emotionally screwed by him, it was the best thing that had ever happened to me. But, perhaps I've always looked at this the wrong way. I can't imagine that things could actually be good. there is too much past, too much history.

Tonight, Tonight sucks.

I have good nights and bad nights. Last night was a bad night, and tonight will probably be a very bad night for someone I care a lot about. But, I don't feel like writing it right now. Perhaps I'll have the breakdown later...

Hrm, life, life, life... What the hell

Well, I think what the hell sums it up pretty well. What the freaking hell is going on these days? I'm still dealing with my shit, and the crazy freaking dreams are not helping.  I had another one a few days ago. There have been two, completely un-related dreams in the last week.
Dream 1:
A friend of mine had told me about some issues that he was having with is latest business deal. It wasn't going all that well, and, it seems to me that he needed some guidance. Well, he got it all right, right through me. Jason is pretty damn religious, and I woke up after my dream knowing that I HAD (no question) to talk to him about what I'd seen in my dream. The message was, "she's not important to your plan, she would have blown it all in the future. Go on anyway, you'll make it without her. Have faith." That was an interesting dream. After that one came the more disturbing one.
Dream 2:
I still don't like the new 'no eyebrow' trend which is popping up in pop art as well as high end fashion. I never liked it before, and I don't like it now. The dream I had was very scary. Joe was in it, as we all well know he went through a phase when he had no eyebrows. I guess he was easy to picture that way. We were having a conversation and it was aggressive and passive at turns, but the difference between the two was whether or not he had eyebrows. Towards the end of the dream he was in my face and the eyebrows were gone and he was looking at me in a way I can't even begin to explain. Threatening, and sad at the same time. It was really strange. It left me feeling rather disconcerted through the whole thing. I wasn't happy when I woke up, but, I mean, what a freaking strange dream. I don't like dreaming about Joe, but I have had them on and off for years, especially when I'm feeling sad, depressed, or lonely. I guess that is just how it goes. The dreams are either great and happy and whatever, or they are traumatizing and stressful. They make me remember a past I don't need to remember, and I don't want to remember anymore.
There isn't hope there anymore. No matter what happens next, there isn't anything left. I'm not even left her anymore. Maybe I didn't go to California, but I'm still here, and I may be heading somewhere else. I just need to. I can't play these games anymore. Maybe it is time to work hard core over Christmas, make a killing, quit and go travel the way I've wanted to for years. maybe I won't come back after all. There isn't too much left for me somedays, and these days are no exception. I love my friends, and my family, but I need more than that in my life right now. I don't want bullshit and games anymore. I'm ready and yearning to be in a 'normal' relationship. I can't deal with things falling through anymore. It is killing me, and I will not play these games again.

So, outside of my life, this has been an interesting week for a few of my friends. Anne is having trouble with her boy. They've been dating for months now and suddenly, within the span of two weeks, his communication which used to be every day has fallen away to once and a while, and now nothing. He seems to be gone completely. Anne noticed a few weeks ago that the conversations were not what they used to be, and things seemed strained or stressed. I know that feeling. Now, two weeks later, he is awol and completely out of touch. He used to talk to her a couple times a day, and now he's gone completely. She's so upset and hurt. Unfortunately, I know how she feels, and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't make her feel better.
Peter basically dropped off the face of the earth. It was such a dick move. I had never thought that my friends would have to go through the same things I did. It hurt so much, like a hole had been ripped through me. It hurts a little less each and each consecutive time. But, why go back for more? Well, like Anne has said, if Peter comes back, she'd go back with him, and he'd most likely pull the same thing again. Why is that? Joe comes in and out of my life and I'm a freaking mess, but I don't want to be that anymore. At least now I know. At least now I know what I do and don't want to do anymore. Playing games is not my forte.
Anne now has to deal with everything which has fallen on her plate. I remember the way I felt and I cannot help her feel the way I've come to feel now. Everything is raw and it is painful. I'm sorry for her, because I never want anyone else to feel the way I have when someone disappears out of your life. It is scary, and it is painful. You're left with questions which are most likely never answered. I though I was the only one who had this issue with guys. Or with a guy...as the case may be.

What fun.
I think that is it for the night.
<3
~M

The Dating Scene

Throwing yourself into the dating scene isn't easy, apparently. I can meet multiple people and not get anything from any of them. *shrugs* I haven't met someone who has turned my head in quite a while. I guess maybe I'm picky. I'm done being wrapped up in this crap with Joe. It tears me down all the time. I really just don't like feeling this way. I want to be doing something more and getting somewhere else rather than waiting to see what else happens. I'm so over and done.
I guess I just have to wait and see what happens. I mean, I need someone who doesn't take themselves so seriously. I need to find these fun people from MLIA. It just needs to happen sometimes.
I've begun writing again. Letters, notes, and such for fun. I've been thinking very heavily about writing that novel which has been in my head for so long. I think it is about time I made major headway into the things I've written and those that I long to write. Someday, maybe, I'll see my name on that best sellers list and then we'll see who remembers the girl who always used to talk about wanting to be published... One can only hope. Who will remember, and who will have forgotten.

Well, that is it for now, still kinda down and doing my best to re-surface.

~M

Tonight...

So I'm thinking maybe a thought dump every day isn't such a bad thing. I think about a lot of things which are way too deep to bother keeping in my head. I can't handle the things that bounce through my brain on a daily basis sometimes. It is really hard to deal with. I think about a ton of things and it doesn't settle with me well.
I'm tired of boys taking advantage of me and my friends. I'm sick of hearing my friends upset because guys are dicks to them. I don't like that they end up feeling the ass when it is the guy yelling at them and telling them that they didn't do enough. I'm really fed up with it. I don't like the way these things are panning out, and unfortunately, short of screening every person who someone dates, (which isn't possible anyway), there is just nothing I can do for them to help lessen the pain of what these guys do.
Deep down, all we girls really want is someone who loves us. We're pretty easy. These days we don't really care what your job is, and we don't really care about anything as long as you're in love with us. We want to feel loved, and secure. We want to feel as though, if given the choice, you would always choose us. We want to feel this way because it is the way we feel about you. That is the thing. Maybe you guys don't realize it, but, we think that way. That is what we want, at all times. We want to be loved and held at night. It comes down to the feeling of your arms around us...while we snuggle in to sleep.
We want a lot of things, and I'm pretty sure when it comes down to it, that guys want the same things. I hope they do. And someday, I hope I meet a guy who can actually verbalize that rather than just taking his shit out on me. I"m sick of it. If you want something, just say it. If you feel something, just say it. I'm not going to freak out because you say Love, or anything else. I just want to know what it is you feel so I don't feel as though I'm always in the dark.
Maybe that is just too much to ask. For the time being, I'll deal with being alone, cause I hurt too much when I get together with him. I can't imagine someone else out there who could cut me this deep and make me love him this much. It hurts, it sucks, but it has to move on someday.

Done done done...
~M

Ponder ... Ponder

Is it a female thing to think that you’re destined for someone? Honestly, how many guys do you meet who will sit there and say that they think they are destined for someone. Maybe you’ll hear it when they’re taking their vows either to god or to their soon to be wife. But honestly, how many guys run around thinking that they’re destined to be with a girl who they’ve met? How many guys mourn a girlfriend leaving, or mourn dumping a girlfriend because they honestly thought they were in *gasp* love with this girl. Love is such a thrown around word, but there is more to love than just saying that four letter word. Some people cannot say it, and I for one agree with them. How do you decide who you love? Shouldn’t it really mean something to say “I love you?” I’ve only met once upon a time, a guy who I thought I was in love with. Pity to me that I didn’t realize it at the time. But as you know, life does not come with do overs, or if it does, please someone tell me where to go to get one!

I’m beginning to think that there is a really big gap here between women thinking that things are ‘meant to be’ and guys running away from women who think that way. That, or the guys just don’t understand at all why we’re hurting when they’re gone. Yeah, they move on fast, but we don’t move on as fast from men who we think or we thought we were meant to be with. Sometimes I find that guys are just not sensitive to the way we’re feeling when they break our hearts. Maybe we put more stock in being happy with someone, but it is still a conundrum to try and figure out why our emotions so drastically differ from those of men.

Finding the one who is ‘meant to be’ is not a way of saying that women sit down and just decide that the guy they’re with is the guy for them. There are a lot of factors which play into real women beginning to think that they’ve found their ideal match. It isn’t about the amount of time you were dating, but it is about the feeling that is there. Said or unsaid I think that people run into their match because of the feelings that it creates. I think even in our subconscious we know when we’ve met someone who matches us on even more than the normal ‘I like you’ plane. Yes, lust, sex, and hunger are part of that, but there is so much more to knowing that you’re meant to be with someone. There is often electricity that you cannot see, but can feel. And I’ve come across couples before who weren’t together but were meant to be, and the tension between them in the room was palpable.

It is about the way you felt when you first met. It doesn’t have to be fireworks, but there is something in the pull of his voice, or what he said, or how he said it. There is something in the way you want to be together, even when there are other things going on. It is about tackling challenges, willingly, together because you want to do things with the other person. It is liking the same ice cream or grabbing the same bowl before adding all the same toppings. It is finishing each others sentences before you’ve known him a week. It is about being able and understanding. It is about feeling as though you could tell him anything at all and he wouldn’t judge you for it. It is about that first kiss, where you remember it always, and it is about the way you feel when he is not there anymore. It is so much more than words can capture.

It is about knowing he is upset before you see him. It is about being able to dream of him the way he dreams about you. It is about feeling him when he isn’t there. It is about always being happier when he is around. It is about just feeling that everything is right when he is there, and you’re in his arms. It is about not having to do anything in particular, but being able to just ‘be’ around each other. When you’re content because you’re in the same room, same town, same school. ETC.

It is about thinking he is perfect even when your rational mind says, wait, really? It is about thinking that he could change and you’d still love him the same way. It is about realizing that you base the idea of ‘love’ off the way you feel for him. It is about knowing that you couldn’t care less about bad habits or a little extra weight, even if it bothers him. It is about wanting him and accepting him the way he is. Completely. It is about knowing that you like your laughter more when he is around. It is about being absolutely certain that even talking about a future feels completely right.

I’ve begun to think, after my last disaster of a try at a ‘relationship’ (if you can dare to call it that), that guys in general don’t think the same way about their ‘match’ as girls do. You could chalk it up to us female types being more emotional, but I don’t think that is it. I have met plenty of emotional men in my life, and this just doesn’t qualify. Could it be that men do not say it as much as we do? I still think we’re meant to be doesn’t tend to come out of their mouths. “I don’t want to settle for being friends.” Means a lot coming from a guy, but why not just say, “I think there is something here, and I want to hash it out until we figure it out?” how hard is that? Girls have to so heavily read into anything guys say that we’re left in this fantastic maze where we aren’t sure what to say or what to do to keep these amazing guys in our lives for a longer amount of time. Don’t get me wrong, not all girls think this way, and maybe I’m just a rarity. But, seriously, we don’t want every guy we meet to be the ‘one’. There are a bunch of us who have already met that guy and not one other soul we meet can compare.

I worry about that sometimes. Thinking I’ve already met him. What more is there? There are various sayings about how love strikes twice: Once so you can know the price, and once (as Allison Krauss wrote) for crazy faith. Is it crazy? I don’t think so. I think we meet the one and I think that not all of us are mature enough, old enough, our sensible enough to know it when it happens. It turns into hell on wheels to be dealing with something like that. But the thing is, how do ‘normal’ guys measure up to these men we’ve fallen for thinking they’re the ones we are meant to be with?

I think once we’ve found our match we measure every other guy we meet against who and what he is, and how he makes us feel. I think that most of the time the guys we meet after don’t even come close, and some of us settle. I am not a settler. I can’t do it. I want to fight, but don’t know how. So instead I’m here pondering the ways that this could be different from the other side.

You see, even though I feel him all the time, I cannot get a crack of the way he feels about me. He has said a few things, and told me once that he loved me, what feels like ages ago. And though I long to hear it again, I am just not sure I ever will. I am not sure I’ll be able to ever tell him that I love him, even if it took me years to figure out. I just don’t know. There is no magic decoder for the way guys feel about you. I only know one side of this stupid male/female code shit, and I wish more than anything that I could just know, just once, how he feels. But it isn’t meant to be and I doubt it will happen. But it leaves me feeling as though I’m strange or weird for thinking that we’re still meant to be, even after everything. Even after all the same shit has happened over and over and over again. It still leaves me thinking that I’d rather be with him than anyone else. And it leaves me heartbroken to know that it is broken. There is no fixing this I don’t think, we’re too far lost in what we’re not saying. Even though it is the words we both need to hear. I would do anything. But, I think that is just the me part of things.

*shrugs* okay, that made my brain hurt. Time to actually pretend like I’m getting work done at work :-/

~M

PostSecret

Couldn't mean more if I'd written it myself. Thank you heart, for completely screwing with my life. I can't find a happy medium without him. Just freaking great.

Well...

Hrm, so I sent my letter of 'non acceptance' to California. I just can't see myself there, and I'm disappointed that things did not turn out perfectly. I wish it had. It would have been so good to get away and start over somewhere else. I just cannot fathom dealing with things out there -- so freaking far away from everything in both distance and demeanor. Veronica -- the 23 yr old who worked there, texted me today that she would in fact be thinking about a room-mate if I was still thinking about heading out there. I have to tell her that I'm not heading out there.

Still pretty bummed about things with Joe. I don't know what to do. I left him an IM he didn't respond. I don't know what else to do... we agreed that we didn't want to settle for being friends (a few weeks ago) -- and now we're less than even that...so I just don't know. Right now, it hurts, and I have to try not to get my hopes up. I joined up a few places to try and meet more people...we'll see how that goes.

that is all folks,
~M

I <3 Angela

So, a little background here. I've been back from California for about three days now. I really don't want to talk about it. hahaha. It wasn't great, and it wasn't terrible. I am not moving. There is a lot more for me on the East coast, and I really didn't feel at home by the sea in California. They also didn't really offer me enough money to get out there. So, I'm staying, for the time being. I'm actually considering moving to Philadelphia with Katy if she gets a place out there to live and work. I'm not really worried about finding a job, I can manage. We'd have a good time, and Phili has a lot of disk and people my age. Right now that is where I'm not getting anywhere, which brings me to the conversation Angela and I had on my way home from work today...

Angela is having a few issues with boys she's finding around TN. I'm not surprised these days, as the boys I've come across are just as inconsistent as the ones she is coming across. She is in a similar state of affairs as I am with Joe. We are in some sort of 'relationship' with guys who do not seem to appreciate us. They are there when they care to be, and gone when they want to be. We are left waiting, staring at screens wondering if they will decide that they want something to do with us for the time. Now, that isn't necessarily the way it needs to work, and I'm not saying it is right. But, we are two girls who are very used to men/boys leaving. We are used to them getting tired of us and moving on without saying anything. We are afraid each day to the next that our boy has decided this day he doesn't want anything to do with us. So yes, we try and start conversations occasionally, but we are very sensitive to the way the conversation goes. We worry all the time that they will kick us to the curb so easily.
We don't know how to start a conversation when we know we want to talk to them, want to talk to them all the time. We don't want to seem clingy, or pushy. We don't want to give them a reason to turn away, again. We don't know what to do, because we haven't ever kept a guy around long enough to know what works.
We're confident, and we're insecure. We're unhappy, and we are in love. We just don't know what we have to do to make things right. We want these guys in our lives, but we are left sitting, waiting, not knowing what they really think. We are so careful to do nothing wrong that we kill the whole idea of our 'relationships'. We're smart, we're talented, we're beautiful. But we think we're always doing something wrong. We're insecure, and we're unhappy, and we're unsure of ourselves. We can't figure out what it is that we have to do to make things right. We are angry, disappointed, we're lonely. We don't understand. We feel like we're in the middle of playing games. We don't like being left stranded, and we hate being alone at the end of such hard work for us.
We're trying to be the girls that our guys want. We're doing out best to keep these guys in our lives, but we've lost, or we're losing. I don't know what to do anymore. I want Joe in my life. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. Maybe he doesn't get the messages I leave or left on his Aim. He says I'm not trying. I'm trying not to be clingy, to say the right thing, to not let him have a doubt about wanting me in his life. I'm insecure about it damn it. I don't know what is 'right' to do. I would talk to him all day every day if I could. That is just how I feel. I come across things I want to show him, things I want to tell him about. But, right now, I'm just not sure he wants anything to do with me. And I did that, partially, the same way he did.
And it isn't just our choices which are getting to us. We are trying to keep guys who don't communicate. Guys who are probably as insecure as we are. Guys who wait for us to make a move, wait for us to tell them what we feel and what we want. We wait, and they wait. They vanish or they fall out of touch and it hurts us. They appear not to realize that what they do and say really hurts us. They don't really watch what they say, and, they don't realize what we are hurting when they're not around. They don't realize that we're insecure, and that what we really want is them. It doesn't matter what they think of themselves. We chose them. I chose Joe because of who he is. He isn't perfect, and neither am I. I don't expect him to be, and I don't want to change him. I just want him in my life. He's in my dreams, in my thoughts, in my heart. I want to tell him I love him. But, perhaps now that cannot really be said. Maybe it is too late -- to late to heal.
It drives me crazy that I feel as though he fades out. I don't know why it feels that way, but it does. We talk less. We don't talk about anything 'deep' like we used to. We both do it, as though we reach a point where we have to end it or really go forwards. It kills me that he does this. It breaks my heart, or what is left of it. I really thought we were getting somewhere this time. I really thought that five months was something to be pretty proud of, since we hadn't managed to keep in touch that much ever before. What the heck happened? What is going on?
We spend so much time being afraid of doing something wrong which will make them drop us, that we don't ask the important questions. We don't push where we need to push, because we are afraid that they'd rather leave than push back and show us that they care about us. We don't know what to do anymore. There are plenty of guys, yes, but the right ones are so hard to find -- so few and far between.
There are other guys who want to be in my life. But I don't 'feel' them. I don't know what it is about Joe. It is undeniable that we have some spark -- some something which makes us want to be with the other -- but, I'm just not so sure about what the heck is going on sometimes. I wish so hard to forget. But I can't. So what now? Where do Angela and I go from here? How do we spell it out? How do we make sure that we are who we are with these boys? How do we make sure we don't lose the one who really counts?

that is it for the night....
~M