Dreams

I know I did not sleep well last night. I know I dreamed. And I know I dreamed of Joe. I do not remember what I dreamed, but I know the feeling I woke up with this morning.

It is light with a shadow of darkness. Happiness with just a hint of sorrow. It was quite interesting. It left me feeling loss, but at the same time, it was not as bad as it had been before.

So Chicago...

So, with everything that is going on, I am actually beginning to lean towards going to Chicago. There is very little to keep me in MD now that I have decided to ditch the job and start with something else. In Chicago I might be able to get into publishing, and that would be amazing. So, I am just not sure yet. I probably won't be sure until I actually leave. Who knows.

I'm waiting to hear about another job in MD with another pen company, who knows how that will turn out. It may be too good to be true. Perhaps it is just time to hang out and get into something new. I'm kinda looking forward to it, to being free for a little while. I just don't know anymore.

Chicago would be good for me. I would have a chance to meet new people and get out on the town. I would have a chance to live around people my age. That would be fun, for once.


That is the low-down for the time being.

~M~

Heads Up

There has not been much of note going on lately. I've begun participating in NaNoWriMo. It is a national competition for novel writing. My friend Angela challenged me, and I have completed about 45,600/50,000 words. The story is coming together quite well, and most certainly will not be finished in another four thousand words. But, I am actually quite proud of what I have accomplished. I have spent a lot of time writing in 5,000 word portions at work. It has built quickly, but it has not yet come to any ending point what so ever. I know how i want it to end, for once, and perhaps,  I will get there at some point before this month is over. It is only the 21st, so, i have about nine more days to get something done. And, my mother's birthday is on the 30th. I need to remember to get her something and not forget about it.

I went out on Friday with a friend of mine. We chatted over a few beers at a local pub. It was a good evening, even if we were quite deafened by the music before we were able to get out there. We have come to an impasse where we are concerning finding relationships. They do not exactly throw themselves at you at a bar, so, you're shit out of luck trying to find them there. So we're thinking of ways to meet other people.

Brian came up from VA today. I met him online years ago. My Junior year of college. We hit it off, as friends, and have stayed thusly. His father recently died, and I think it has brought us closer together because he was able to get through it. I wish he lived closer so that we could get out and play together more often. He has been my disk golf partner for a while. Both of us are scathingly cynical for people of our age. But, we are jaded and I guess we deserve to hid behind our cynicism. We appreciate it for the shield it is, but we both have discussed whether or not we are actually hiding behind it too much. Perhaps we have to be a bit less cynical with the things which happen. I look forward to seeing where our lives take us.

Angela and I have stayed in touch, though we've been busy. We're enjoying it and having a bunch of fun writing. We're doing what we want to do, but we're just not sure where it is leading us for the future.

I guess that is the end of the news for the time being. I have not yet tackled another novel on my life, as it has been quite too hard trying to write a book and read another one at the same time. I do not want to end up poaching ideas by accident.

That is about the number,
~M~

What is this day?

I've been stuck feeling a day ahead or a day behind for a long time. I'm exhausted by the time changes which aren't actually happening. The emotions of the day to day are rather tiring, all the time, and it is not easy to deal with some of them on a daily basis.  Things are getting better though, but they often get better and then nosedive again. I cannot say that I blame them one little bit.
I've been interviewing a bunch of times and now I've had another one which might really be an amazing opportunity. It could be very very interesting to see if this works out. I cannot believe these things keep falling into my lap. I hope they do until everything goes smoothly :-)

anyway, that is the story. Forgetting becomes better each and every day. I guess maybe there are ways you cannot forget, but ways you can try to not remember. If that makes sense.

Anyway, welcome to my life. I'm working my damndest to try and figure everything out. I just don't know anymore, but I"m certain that things are happening and they'll continue to do so for a while. Hopefully my faith in fate will play out. Things have to play out eventually -- one just never knows what that way will be.

~M~

Seulement II

I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I don't know what it is that I could be doing wrong, but it has to be something because things are not going the way that they should be. It is coming around to that time of year again. The time when you should have something/someone who keeps you warm at night. You should have a connection with someone. I feel like a failure all the time. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, not able to do anything. I feel as though I'm missing something and that I am losing out on something I should have.
What makes me so different from all the happy people. I have to listen to now, not one, but two co-workers who are head over heels for some guys and all they do is talk about how great things are and how it is just going to keep going forwards. I have a feeling that they are going to be getting married to these two guys, and it makes me feel so left behind. Especially when they're saying that I should hang out with them, and their boyfriends. Wow, way to go third wheel. I have no interest in doing that at all. I don't feel like being the one who drags them down, or the one who has to sit around and deal with them all being so happy. I'm not happy.

I think that about sums it up. I'm not happy.

Migraines

I can tell I'm stressed when I'm not sleeping and the migraines are wracking my brain and turning it into a gelatinous pudding. Yes, that was a lot of information in one sentence, but I'm sticking with it. I cannot imagine that was a pleasant visual for most people, but I'm game to say that right now I feel like that pudding is slowly sliding it's way down my throat and out my ears. Perhaps that is why I'm so freaking unhappy and emotional tonight. I don't really know why. Things should be pretty level, but I'm feeling like a whining thirteen year old.
The flashbacks today were worse than they have been in a long time. I could feel his hand in mine and suddenly it was like I was right back there, sitting in the car, just happy to be next to him. It didn't matter what we were doing, or if we were seeing a goofy movie. We were just happy and content to be doing that. What the hell happened to that? What did I do wrong? I just don't understand. It hurts today, worse than it has hurt in a while. I feel so useless and so unwanted. I hate where I am but I think I'd hate other places too.
So what the hell do I do. This guy is in my head and I'm wrapped so tightly that my emotions run headlong into daydreams to keep me going. What on earth does that help? I'm so freaking tied up, and not in a good way, that I cannot fathom a way to separate myself from these memories which catch me and drag me so far down. I can feel his touch, and the wave of emotions crashes over me and slams me into the ground -- face first. I don't get it. I try to fight it, and I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm breaking tonight, and I don't want to lose it. I'm fighting it, but it is pulling me down. I thought that maybe I had a grasp on it, but apparently that was not the case as I'd thought.
I tried giving in to it, trying everything again. I've tried pretending that it never happened and that I never felt the need I've felt for years. I've done everything I can think of and I've failed to pull my heart away from his grasp. I'm dreaming about him and it is driving me to chaos during the days. But lately, when I take that deep calming breath to steady my life, I feel him crashing over me. I see him sitting, or looking off into the distance, and then I feel him. I feel him drag at me, pulling me as close to him as he can. And suddenly it is like I'm re-living some of the best times with him.
I'm not sure what it is about the memories. They crash over me from time to time, and today and yesterday have been particularly potent when it has come to these flashes. I've gone down to my knees, and leaned on my counter tops trying to remember how to breathe after the flashes come through. I feel the perfection I felt that we had, and suddenly, it is pulled away again. I cannot imagine how or why this is happening, or why it is suddenly getting worse. It doesn't make any sense.
I'm trying to be happy. I'm trying with all my heart and soul because that is what I want. I want to be happy. I want to move forwards, and I am just not sure how to manage that.

I guess that is the story for the night,
~M

Fall

There is something about the fall which makes me a lot more lonely than I am normally. I don't know if it is the calm, or the quite, or even if it really is just the darkness and the cold. I had a hard time with life today, and part of it was remembering things about Joe after crazy dreams last night. I'm not sure what the other part of it was really, but, it wasn't the best day. It also wasn't the worst.
It is really hard to be alone sometimes. It tears at you, and you're never quite sure what is the weather and what is the past memories. That is just how it goes some days.
Todays jaunt down memory lane really did suck, and I was quite unhappy to find myself down a memory lane which made me yearn for what there was once. I can't imagine never having that again, holding hands, walking around a park, just being together and having a change to talk. I feel pain thinking I'll never have that again, but I have to face the reality of that fact. Welcome to my life.


~M

For months I’ve looked at blank paper, at a blank page on a computer screne and waited. The flashing cursor or the blending lines grabbing my attention and sharpening it. Was what I had to say good enough to mar the un-touched surface of something I’d touched a thousand times? I couldn’t avoid it, but when at long last I’d put my pen to paper or my fingers to the keys there was nothing but the blankness that I saw in front of me. There were no words to express what I was feeling, and there were no major epiphanies to write about. The lines wavered and the cursor blinked, as though demanding something of me I wasn’t sure I could give right then. I’d look away, and look back only to be faced with the same dilema. I waited, and yearned for the words to write but they were un-interested in coming to me at that point. So I waited. 
I waited until I could find myself -- find what I wanted to say, and what I wanted to know about. I think a lot. I'm inside my own head A LOT. It can hinder me and it can make me hate my hesitations. 
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What are you doing with your life?