I hurt.

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.

Cyrill Connolly

It's Over

Well, end of relationship. I don't have a reason -- neither did he when he dumped me. But, I've got to keep moving forward. I hurt, all the time, but people keep telling me it'll get better. I hope so.

We had something amazing. Maybe we aren't meant to be together, though that's all your fault. But I cannot believe that you'd let us lose the connection we had because you're too much of a coward to be friends with me. I hope one day you'll realize what you threw away, and I hope you hurt as much as you have hurt me. How can you completely throw away this connection -- cause we could probably make really good friends... But I'm not going to fight for something you don't care about.

So yes, I hope that one day you'll talk to me again, but, I will live if you don't.

My life at the Moment

Day to day I'm growing more into what my future might actually end up being at some point. I'm looking forward to it, and I'm scared of it at the same time. I am pretty happy with my life at the moment, though I have trouble from time to time being able to really know what is going on. I'm not certain how to just be sometimes. I'm so used to the same old things that I am not quite sure I really know how to just sit back and relax. I'm not use to the whole 'girlfriend' role. I don't know, really, what I'm supposed to be and do most of the time. So, I try to be myself. I am working on that, that and not worrying so much about EVERYTHING. I hate that about my personality and my genetics. If I could change one thing about my life and who I am, I would take away the extreme anxiety and worries that I feel a lot of the time. I don't feel like that is 'me'. I know that I would always be more prone to thinking about other people and ow what I do would effect others, but I wish that I could go without worrying about everything. I'd be less stressed and there would be so much less crap on my mind ALL THE TIME. I really dislike feeling like I'm going crazy because of the way that I think. I swear my mood can change right off the bat and I just don't like it at all.
I'm trying to stay with running more and more and trying to stay more active so that I can do my best to keep the anxiety and such at bay. I'm doing my best and trying to keep open and talking about the things which are on my mind. Joe is good about paying attention to what is going on with me. But, I don't want to feel, or want him to feel, as though that is a requirement of us being together. I'm doing my best, but it is taking some time for me to really feel 'safe' opening up. I don't want to hand him my heart on a platter only to get it minced and served back to me. I always have argued that each time he is back in my life he is different and the situation is different, and if ever, this is the case now. I cannot believe how far we have come in what we are doing. I'm constantly amazed by my twist of fate here. I cannot wait to see where it takes me, and what we have in store for our lives together. Hopefully, we can stay friends if anything does happen to go horribly wrong. I feel like both of us have to fully work out the relationship between us in order to move on in our lives. And, I'm okay with that. We can and will take care of it and I know that we will be able to do what needs doing to get to a happy point. We'd have adorable kids, if we had that happen....

We could have a long future, and I look forward to finding out where this new adventure will take us. I have not yet bound the book with out ending in it, as every time I feel that the ending has been written I'm delighted and frightened to learn that it was yet another chapter in the book about who and what we are. Amazing, sometimes, that we have done this so often. I hope that there is a long life of writing and adventure in front of us... we have the potential, and I can't wait to write it out... I do so love happy endings.

The Caligrapher's Daughter

This book was the first book in a while to keep me reading for a few weeks because I couldn't finish it all at once like I normally do with books. I don't know why it surprises me that there are books which exist which will not be super easy reads for me. It wasn't a hard book to read, but the things that are in the book are very heavy subject matter, and the way that it is written gives a most interesting look at some of the less appealing aspects of the history of the people of Korea. I did have a few issues with the fact that the book itself was written from a bunch of different people's points of view and the names of the characters and the proper names by which they were addressed in Korean society were commonly switched and interchanged. It was a bit hard sometimes to follow the changes in the speaker and the common names throughout. It was to a point where the same sentence in a few places would refer to one character by different names. It made for a bunch of re-reading being necessary to really get the things which the author was trying to say. I didn't really appreciate it sometimes, because it made reading go so much slower.
I enjoyed the story, felt genuinely attached to the main character -- though I really found the relationship between her and her father quite annoying. He blamed her for a lot of things, and in the traditional Korean society, did not even name his daughter, so our character did not really have a name for the whole book. That was weird. The main reason it was so weird was that it wasn't really ever explained fully as to what the heck was going on between this man and his daughter.
I loved the descriptions and the writing style throughout this novel. I rather loved the way that the author took the time to see all the beauty which surrounded our character, even when she was in her unhappiest days. The love story which ended up entertained throughout this piece was beautiful and the thing born of ages where one could marry and never again see one's husband.
Overall I'd say read this book, absolutely. I would advise that you take some time to really sit down and read this. It is heavy and covers many topics from the many years this character lived. It ends with the fall of the Japanese after the atomic bombs were dropped. The ending is a bit sudden, but the book is certainly worth the read. I rather enjoyed it as a break from the normal books I read.

Next on the list, and I hate to admit that though I started it last night, I'm almost completely done with it already....

I read Alice Hoffman's The Ice Queen and have been enraptured by her writing style ever since. I had no idea if this would live up to the first book I read or not... but I knew I had to find out, as Angela highly recommended it and I felt that I really should take it in and read it as she LOVES this book!

Simply stated...

The Time Traveler's Wife

So I just finished reading: The Time Traceler's Wife

I found this book to be rather interesting in the long run. I enjoyed reading the twists and turns of when he knew about things and when he didn't. I loved the way the author wove the words together. I guess there was just something about the way she made just about every reference and metaphor accessible to everyone who read the book. The things she wrote about and the way she wrote them in were just fantastic. I loved her little jaunts into the tangents of society and the way that she worked herself into the overall piece by using almost present day scenarios to make things have a bit more familiarity. I really enjoyed it so I would have to say that it does need to be added to your reading list if it hasn't already been read!


The next book I plan on starting tomorrow: The Caligrapher's Daughter

This book starts with the first few chapters about a Chinese girl who realizes that she does not have a name, and only just comes to think that it is an odd thing because of what others say. I've only gotten a few chapters in (while reading at a Borders @ a mall before dinner). I can't wait to see how this one goes.

     I read a book a little while back, about a paper maker's daughter, but I don't think that was the title, or that the two books are conencted... I'm not sure what the title was, but I'll write a review of it when I remember it... Now, on to reading and such... 

Communication and Negotiations

   Well, what to write now. I feel that I've been writing more lately, and that is an interesting thing with me. When I'm with Joe, I don't always feel the need or have the motivation to write. I used to just be stressed when he was around and I think that drastically kinked my free flowing ability to wordsmith as he calls it. I guess that is just how it worked out. I spent too much time thinking and worrying about him instead of bothering to begin writing and keep putting things down into words.
      Looking back at my journals and my writing, there is a bit of a drastic fall-off when we begin talking again. I write a few entries about the new situation and then continue to write for maybe a week before my writing just falls off all together, that is, all together until he leaves again and I'm back into my head and the words are fair pouring out my ears faster than I can write them down. How does that work out? Not terribly well, but they all escape at some point and then they let me sleep. Wow, that sounds like the rambling of a crazy person! I donno, it really is kinda weird sometimes that when he is around I don't want to write.
     This time, however, it is rather different. I haven't lost the words here, haven't lose the will and the drive to write, even though I feel that I am a little unsure of what to write sometimes.... what fun.
     So, to continue on the actual update, as the title indicates, there has been an interesting amount of things going on around here. I am currently writing from Joe's couch... Just found out that the interview I came up for has been delayed from Monday to Wednesday. Not the worst thing ever, but it keeps me away from home for more time than I'd planned. That is probably good for me. As much as I love being at 'home' it is high time I wasn't anymore. I just hope everything pans out and I can get on with my life moving forward.
     Forward, with and to Joe, that is. We talked, a bunch last night. I guess he feels sometimes that I'm not saying the things which I'm thinking. The only thing I'd not told him was that I loved him, and apparently, that was figured out anyway. I felt, and talked to him about, why I am here with him. He says, sometimes that he doesn't know why I'm here, why I gave him the chances, again and again. He regrets the way he treated me, though I'll always argue that we couldn't force what wasn't going to work. And, it wasn't like he was mean to me, or cheated on me, it really was that he just couldn't be there with me. We both had growing up to do, and though I had less, or grew up faster, I never really had qualms waiting.
    Well, maybe I did have times when I wanted to have someone else in my life so badly that I got someone else there. I mean, I dated, just nothing terribly serious. I didn't find what I was looking for. He asked me last night if I though I cared about him because for some many years he didn't like me -- and acted as though he didn't like me. I had never thought about it that way, never wanted him because he was the person I couldn't have. It wasn't ever like that, though I can see that it might have seemed that way from time to time. I guess that is just how it works out sometimes.
     I guess that is just how it works for some girls. They do want the people that they cannot have. But, that was never the desire behind why I still cared about him, and I only admitted these feelings much later. I knew that I missed him. I tried to tell myself that I missed the idea of him, that I missed the idea of having someone who cared about you and was so bonded with you... But, those ended rather quickly and that was just how it went. I tried for years not to care, and I did a pretty damn good job of it for a long time. But when we re-connected senior year in college, it was just something which was still there and something which i couldn't disagree with anymore. Too bad -- sometimes you just have to give up and stop fighting things. It just works that way from time to time.... I guess when things were still there for me senir year, I just stopped fighting everything and took what I could get. I was okay with us being friends, as hard as it was sometimes to do that.... But, it worked out.
     So, we talked, and we talked about anything which came up. It was good to have a nice long talk. I miss doing that, though we tend to when something bothers us. Hopefully we can continue this communication. I've been really trying to not hold things inside or against him. I have been trying to make myself more clear and trying to msay the things which are on my mind, rather than just holding them inside and away from him. If we are really going to make this work, we have to talk as much as we can and I have to be able to be open and willing to tell him what is going on with me.
     I guess sometimes I just expect him to know by the way I act or the things I say, without really saying all of it.... Perhaps he needs to hear it just as much as I do. Funny, we just aren't really sure what is going on sometimes. Maybe we both need a little more assurance than we give one another. We can do that, I know we can. He wants to know more, and I'll figure out a way to make sure that it happes. That is the way these things work...

There were other things going on, and other things we talked about. I guess the only other thing I didn't say was that I think that I might be realizing that I am allergice to latex... this aught to be a fun thing to figure out... welcome to the fml of my life at the moment. Well, I'll figure it out, just like I've figured everything out before.

I guess that is the run down... more later when I've got some more time to write -- which will probably be quite a bit as this week progresses...I have another story idea, so I think that I'll be working on that this week too... Good thing I brought my pens and my books... I'll be using them a bunch -- I do believe...

Hormones and Pot

          This week has been a tough one for me. Between the drop in hormones, cramps, and migraines, I've been very unhappy. Reduced to tears at most moments of deep thought I've gravitated into a place where I'm thinking overmuch about things and stressing out more than I really want to. It doesn't mean that I'm emotional and cannot think straight, but that I think more about the negatives than the positivees in my life. There are going to be stressers either way you look at life, but in particular when I get good and stressed and have my hormones going crazy, it doesn't yield good things. Deep truths and things I don't want to admit, even to myself come out, and I almost always wish that they would have stayed in the back of my mind where they belonged.  

          In a more rational mind recently, I find myself happy with the prospect of a new job which I'd rock, and a new place to live with a boy I'm very much in love with. Absolutely crazy how that happens. Such an amazing thing hormones. They so suck. I hate feeling that sad and desparate. I just don't like it. I hate feeling that weakness. I just can't stand that feeling. I hate thinking too much and I hate being worried about where my life is going.
          I hate worrying about things going with Joe. I hate being worried that he'll change his mind, or find someone else. He's everything I thought I always wanted, and every hitch is just another worry. I'm worried about losing him before this whole thing has a chance to play out. 
         Well, off of the hormones and onto the smoking issue. IT is an issue. I believe that it happens too often and I don't love that he picks on me a bit more when he is high than when he is not. He has said multiple times that it won't happen as often if I'm around and living up there... I'm worried, but I have the hopes that this can change. It makes me wonder, sometimes, if I'm not good enough for him to be around sober. I'm sure that is pretty wrong and all, but i can't help that it makes me feel that way sometimes. 
         Well, end of story for the time being... lots of stuff going on... waiting for MontBlanc interview number 2. Trying to feel wanted, and doing okay with it, but... still having a few rougher days here and there... It is amazing to have him really in my life, and scary at the same time because of the nature of our relationships in the past. I'm doing my best to forget the past, this time is very different (though that has been said so many times i make myself sick wirting it again.) But, for us. This is something else.


Here is to hoping,
~M

So long.

I can't count the days I wrote this secret down. This isn't mine, but it even looks like my handwriting. I have what I always wanted. Now, I just have to decide if I want to keep it. Yes, I do.

I love you, Joe. I'm still trying to find the right time to tell you.

Remember to Breathe

It is amazing to me sometimes, how one can forget the simplest things when it comes to calming down and going on with their lives. There are so many things on my mind right now that I'm beyond the rambling stage and into the serious life decision pondering stage. Scary how that works. I'm not unhappy with what my life is right now, and I'm certainly adoring that Joe is in my life again. But I'm afraid of the world like that, afraid of the change that will eventually happen. Either we get more serious and I move here (pending job hunting, which is going--- nowhere), or things manage to fall the hell apart again and I move on with a badly fucked up idea of what relationships actually are.
I'm hoping for the former, afraid of the latter. To lose. To feel sorrow. To break one's heart. To fall apart at the seams, and to keep on living. That is how I've felt for years. What does it mean to be someone with someone else. What does it mean to feel that your heart hurts and nobody is 'your person'. What does it mean when you have nobody?
I wonder, from time to time, how different my life would have been if I hadn't spent the last couple years... and by last couple years I mean about six, in love with a boy who I'm not sure is ever going to love me again. He said he loved me once, and I'm not gonna lie, It freaked me out. I couldn't say it back, wanted to make sure I knew what it really meant before I wondered off onto that track. Sadly enough, it wandered right back into that track the second he was no longer in my life. Unfortunately, the feeling never really faded the way I felt that it should. I wanted it to go away, wanted to have something else to my life, but that never happened. His voice can still quicken my heart beat and his kiss still makes my stomach drop. It doesn't matter how long we've been apart, it is always the same way and I can't help but close my eyes and savor the moment. But -- and there are always buts involved.... But I'm still a bit freaked. I cannot managed to say those three words to him, though I feel them with all of my heart -- and have for some time.
I know so much about him, and so little. But, I think he knows a lot more about me than I give him credit for. Hell. I have no idea anymore. perhaps I've just forgotten what I once knew.
Time, and the job market are hell on me these days. I want more than anything to be here with him. To see if things will really work out and head somewhere we both want. I want to know that things are stable and that he is 'my person.' That is what I've always wanted. But, what if the job hunt takes too long, or is unsuccessful. We're not planning on living together, though I'm sure if it was the two of us it wouldn't be a problem... So I have to be able to support myself -- and therein lies the problem.
Everyone needs their space, and everyone needs time to themselves. I guess I sometimes am a little more needy than I let on. I need the affirmation that I'm still important to him and that we aren't fading out. I'm terrified of a similar ending to the ones we've always had. I'm freaked out that these things could fall apart. I just don't know what to do most of the time. Yeah, I need more than some people these days, because I cannot deal with all things on my own. I cannot be in this 'relationship' without a little more assurance from him some days, especially when I have more emotional days. Sometimes I just need to know he cares about me.

I guess that is what I have to say, for the time being. perhaps it is time for a quick nap, then party time... this should be interesting.

On Folly Beach

I did, actually, finish this book:



And I have to say that I really loved it. It was a very unique look at a mystery which spanned a few different ages. It was quite a unique way of writing a mystery, as I don't normally love books which are written from so many different people's points of view and told through them in a rotating cycle... It is a really neat book, but you have to have patience for a good mysery to be able to get through this one. It does take some thinking, rather than being spelled out for you... I enjoyed it, now go read it!

Write to me

          There are days when I don't have the words, or situations when I don't have the words to say what is on my mind, or what is going through my head. I'm trying to remember that this time is different, and I don't have to forget the things I've always wanted to be able to say. But, it still scares the hell out of me. I have spent years wondering what I did wrong and what I said which made things fall apart. I watched my words, re-phrased my sentences, and put a cap on my emotions -- just to be able to survive and keep breathing.
      

Back in the Swing

Well, three days into it. Two days of talking and one day of nothing. What is it that drives us back together all the time? How can I snap us out of the cycle we are constantly in? How does someone 'try' more than they have before? How do I keep from losing this?

Someday, maybe I'll be able to really answer these questions. I hope it is someday soon because this falling through again means that it is high time for something else to happen -- and for me to really go somewhere else....

Well, one can dream. And dream I do.

Horoscope

Horoscope for Leo (today):
"Someone you love has been kind of remote lately, and it's probably making you a little crazy. It's also kept them on your mind, which is pretty distracting -- and that could mean you're not paying enough attention at work. Don't get upset, though -- you've been making them crazy, too! One of you has to make the first move, of course. Are you going to let them take all the credit for the big reunion?"


have I mentioned lately that I REALLY dislike my horoscopes lately??? This one more especially than most.

I wonder too.

There are days when this is the prominent thought on my mind. I hate those days because I spend them thinking of him.

:-/

I'm waiting for Prince Charming

I have to say,

     The pot is still alarming.

You live your life in a haze of smoke,

     Too high to see me.

I burn at your touch,

You moan at mine.

But I have to admit,

That you were rough last time.

Do you have to be high

     to touch me

     to see me

     to want me

     to be with me?

You're playing around blackness

The way the haze moves in

    like a dampening fog.

Take away what is really there,

     Hide it away

And see nothing

But,

Whatever it makes you see.

Watermark

So, getting this blog back to where it is actually supposed to be: I just finished reading --  

by Vanitha Sankaran. 

This was a pretty impressive read. It didn't take me too long to finish, but it was certainly a book I was not, at any point, ready to put down and finish later. 

The premise for this book was actually quite interesting, and I really loved the way the first chapter was done. Thrown into the mess we were. 

A midwife, against the orders of the church, cuts a baby from her dying mother's womb. The baby, born albino -- in a world where witchcraft and heritics are found and killed through ignorance and supersition by friends and neighbors -- is taken by the midwife. The midwife knows that she should kill the child...

but she cannot bring herself to do it. Instead, she cuts out the child's tongue so that the babe may never preach the words of the devil.

The baby's sister and father rescue her, but there is nothing they can do. She is mute. Mute in a world who already fears her because of her coloring... most importantly, her eyes.

Her father is a papermaker. He does not sell much and simply enjoys the work he does. She becomes his apprentice and goes on during the time of heritics and death by the church. The whole story is about her life and how she hides herself away from the damndation of the church and accidentally brings the heritics right into her families lives. 

An absolutely amazing read! It wasn't on my list, but has now been added and scratched out. I soon will be starting On Folly Beach:

by Karen White. 

It is a mystery and I'm rather looking forward to seeing what this novel has to offer. 

I'll keep everyone updated.

True Freedom

What were we like as children, before we were hurt by anything the first time? What were we like when we were naive to the pain of the world? And, how, I ask, do we return to that place from wence we came?

I would love to know the answers to these riddles, for my past doggs me like a shadow some days, and today is particularly bad.

As I try and delve further into my future, a future that I always felt I wouldn't have -- for some odd reason. I am finding it very hard to move forward and leave the past where it fell. First, let me explain about this not having a future thing. I have always felt as though there was no worry about considering the future. I never thought I would make it to college, and from there, I could have never imagined that I would make it to where I am today. There is no specific reason, just a feeling, and it has shadowed me these long years. It has, however, abated lately and I can see that there is something for me. What fun -- now I just have to figure out what it is.

Time to figure out how to move forward, and really leave the past behind.

Of all the things i've believed in
I just wanna get it over with
Tears from behind me eyes but i do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that i'm hearing are starting to get old
Feels like i'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend

And I said...
Good-bye to you
Good-bye to everything that i knew
You were the one that i loved
The one thing that i tried to hold on to

I used to get lost in your eyes
And it seem that i can't live without you
Closing my eyes and you case my thoughts away
To a place that i am blinded by the light

But it's not right...

Good-bye to you
Good-bye to everything that i knew
You were the one that i loved
The one thing that i tried to hold on to

It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time

Good-bye to you
Good-bye to everything that i knew
You were the one that i loved
The one thing that i tried to hold on to

The one thing that i tried to hold on to...

Good-bye to you
Good-bye to everything that i knew
You were the one that i loved
The one thing that i tried to hold on to


And when the stars fall i will lie awake...

You're my shooting star...

updates from back down 'south'

Yes, technically, Maryland is south. And yes, I'm back down south -- though most people who actually read this already know that.

Lets get to some updates:
Life in Emily land has been pretty laid back. I'm slowly getting into the playing of disk again, and still have the throws, but need the endurance back. I'm tired of feeling tired. I really need to start working out again and get myself back into better shape. It is, afterall, almost bikini season! And with bikini season it is flip flop season...and thus the season to get my tattoo! That should be fun and will require a road trip to visit the artist who has been reccomended in NY. And, of course, to see some more of Katy.
I've got my resume up and posted, and have been searching through lists and lists of jobs trying to figure out if there is actually something I want to do and as an even added bonus, something I'm qualified for. I'll be seeing what happens, as it just comes and continues on with day to day life.
Last weekend was an adventure, to say the least. Gettysburg for the weekend is always fun, and everything else is just a bonus. I got to hang out with Joe, who has (in conjuncture with myself) decided that we should be friends...if that happens. Needless to say straying to friends with benifits will be quite easy and get thrown into the 'don't have weekend regrets' category.
Disk was fun, though extremely windy and very cold. I went up friday night and hung out with Joe and Lisa and Geoff and Al. I rather enjoyed hanging out with that group. I'd never managed to hang out with Al w/o Ashley -- and it was actually quite a good time.
Saturday morning dawned way too early and it was quite obvious that it was very cold...and only going to get colder. Welcome to brrrr. And winter in the middle of what should have been a beautiful spring weekend. It was very cold, but we banged out a few games and managed to win all of our games, even coming down to the Alumni v. Gettysburg game (the last of the day). By that time we were SO cold that most of us were huddling around trying to save a scrap of warmth. Ugh. It was awful. We did not really enjoy the whole cold bit.
We finished the tournament and Joe and I headed back to Lisa and Geoff's place. After hopping quick showers we went out to a long wait for dinner and then back to the apartment to hang out. Hanging out resulted in nap time, which was fantastic. I was still cold and exhausted so getting to cuddle up and take a well deserved nap was just fantastic.
The nap could have turned into sleeping for the night, but instead we went out to the Blue Parrot and hung out with all of our alumni friends and some others from around. It was a good time, though a few of the moements were a bit rather awkward.
After that it was back to the apartment for the evening, with much crashing and shenanegans...  and then time to get up for another cold day of disk. Both weekend days were deceptively cold. Nice in the morning and colder and colder throughout the day. The wind wasn't as bad on Sunday, at least to start. We rocked two of the games and lost our last one against Gettysburg. By that time people were all cold and ready to go home.
I dropped Joe off, managed a hug and got told to say hi to 'Taz' for him. And so ended the weekend at Gettysburg.
Jim and I headed back to my house and had a really wonderful dinner before just about passing out on the couch. I think I tanked around 9 pm and have spent quite a bit of time recovering from the long weekend of cold and lack of sleep.

The rest of this week has been keeping the house clean and ready to be on the market, disk, and taking the dogs to the park. It was pretty fun and very much nice taking the dogs out. I've been relaxing, and it is now time to chill and get ready to get back to the gym on Monday and heading to workout for the next weeks to come.
I've been invited to join a disk team out of Balimore with a couple of people I've played with over the years. Topher most importantly. It is always lovely to get a call and have someone say "We are in need of good girls, and your name came up." What fun. I can't wait to get some time to run around with a real team. I have really missed playing competitive ultimate. So.. this should be an adventure... time to get back in the gym and get my ass back in shape! Also...finding a job would be good.

end of story...

Dreams

Dreams are weird and strange things. I really do not enjoy what I dream some days. It is almost as though someone is provoking me and laughing at the realization that I cannot have of what I dream. It screws me over and screws me up. It takes me days to shake off the way that I feel after waking up.

and by the way Great tea ginger ale is fantastic.

Okay, back to the dreams:
A few days ago I was given to re-visit the way that I used to so frequently dream. I have blessedly been un hindered in my dreaming of Joe and 'perfection' for at least six months, but like an acme anvil they flattened me and my dream state by rudely interrupting the pleasantries of my dreams.

Anyway, the dreams really sucked, and I'll leave it at that. Sometimes the torture of the dreams I feel really does hurt every day. I wish for the 'reality' I dream about, but I know that it can never be.

April Fools

If I say "I love you."

Just today,

Will I have the strength

To have you laugh it away.

Would I be able to say it

Just to get it away.

My heart is breaking

Holding it all inside.

But today,

Maybe I could say it,

And let it go

Maybe I could be okay.

Then you could laugh

And you could wonder

Are you the fool,

or am I?

Days later and we're still BOXED in!

Okay, spare me the lecture for the bad joke ^^ and let me commence with an apology for the lack of updates as I've wandered from home and landed myself first in NY and now in MA. Where will the roaming gnome go next? I'm not really sure, but I think back to Maryland. It is high time that I figured out things so that I can know where my life is going.
The gnome will roam to TN to visit Angela, FL to visit the boys (and maybe take a job), and then to NY for the long awaited tattoo with the Fetzer person (can't get a foot tattoo in the winter. And with moving it would have SUCKED).  I'm still pretty excited to get it though.
Okay, so lets dash back to the 22nd real quick and start at about 9 Am.
The movers arrive, and I have to deal with the dogs and with the men, who are quite cute and mostly in their late twenties. :-) that was part of a rather good day. They came in as Grandpa was eating his breakfast. He said hello and got their names, but didn't want to show them around the house, so you can imagine whose job that became. More than happy to help, and having moved so many times, it wasn't hard to deal with. Afterall, Mom was on the way already and I couldn't wait to have a little backup.
The guys gaped at the amount of stuff they were gonna have to put into boxes, and I did my best to throw things out along the way so we would have less to un-pack on the other end. It went pretty smoothly with them packing and occasionally asking questions. The dogs were more than once threatened with entrapment in a box, (particularly Tazzy man) because they would not leave the workers alone. (Tazzy because he has a new fascination with tap rolls, and attempts to attack them while they are being used to close boxes. What fun!)
Mom finally arrives and Grandpa pretty visibly relaxed and the game continued to be played. One guy, Scott, was rocking through the kitchen at such blinding speed that I was relatively unable to keep up with the things he was packing and the things he wasn't. (ON the flip side of this he was not so organized when packing because he was taking bits of this and bits of that Bitsa bitsa, and upon unpacking some of these boxes he appears to have been rather skitzo about what he was putting where. We got a kick out of it, but it made unpacking rather hard.)
The guys stopped working about 4 thirty and promised to return bright and early the next day. It seemed that would be the way things were going, and they were not yet even close to done so our time line of packing monday and tuesday and loading 1/2 Tuesday and Wednesday, was not going to work out. As it was they were already overworked and there seemed not to be enough people to manage what they were working on.
Tuesday dawned and the movers were here bright and early. Mom and I had managed through dinner with everyone and Nana was dealing better than Grandpa at this point. What fun. Another crew of guys and then another whole day of packing passed with little incident. Murphy's law didn't get us until Wednesday, the worst day for a disaster and...of course we got one.
Things were going normally on Wednesday morning. There was still a lot to do and the movers as well as everyone else were all stressed. It seemed, for a little while, that there was just no way that things would actually get completed. Then the accident happened.
My grandfather was downstairs trying to help everyone get the work bench apart when he got himself tangled in some plastic cover and fell. He hit hard, cut his elbow and his knee (He's on asprin and over 85 so this was messy). He was bleeding all over the place and the skin was missing on knee and elbow. The worst part was that he couldn't move his shoulder, at all. He had landed so hard on the elbow that he basically had an impact injury in his shoulder.
I got ice packs and Jeff (cousin) got gauze pads and tape. We got him fixed up but it soon became more than painfully clear that he was going to have to go to the doctor and get some x-rays done because the shoulder was bad.
We waited, and waited, and waited a bit more at the doctor, and my ipod and my book called to me from home -- laughing that they were not being used when I was almost bored completely out of my mind. I was more than ready to be done. We got a consult and the man sent us for x-rays. Duh.  So we did that, and when they finally got those done, we got another consult and the guy said maybe a rotator cuff tear, (a little one), and did he want to have a cortizone shot in his shoulder. Grandpa declined and we finally, four hours later, managed to get Nana (Who had insisted on coming) into the car and grandpa settled into the back seat. We got home about 20 minutes later and it was nearing two o'clock or so.
My grandparents were supposed to drive to MA and Jody's (my aunt) house. And well. They certainly couldn't drive then. Nana doesn't drive, and Grandpa was in too much pain. SOOOO. we had to find a back up plan. My other aunt, Marie, offered to drive them up and have Tyler follow so that he could drive her home. But, there was one catch. Ty's car was in the shop and Marie's truck gets 10 miles to the gallon. SO. I lent Ty my car. He drove it up after his mother and then drove her home. Poor car had to turn around and make the trip again on the following morning.
So, Nana and grandpa were taken care of and all I wanted to do was settle into a little music and chill for the evening. The guys were still packing and loading but were finally coming to an end. I went upstairs to get my ipod so I could listen to music and read my book, because they were quite loud. I couldn't find it anywhere. I looked through everything and, though I knew were I had put it that morning, I secretly harbored a hope that it had just gotten misplaced.
No, it didn't. One of the freaking movers had stolen it. I was not pleased. I absolutely could not believe that one of the movers had stolen it. I talked to the guy who said it was impossible and that it hadn't happened. He said to see if it had accidentally gotten packed. Hard for an Itouch to accidentally get packed after it would have had to have been taken out of your stuff and packed into a box. My Itouch was in the front of one of my bags in an open pocket. It was wrapped in the cord to the charger and had the charger with it. I had put it there that morning because I had nowhere else to put it when I was moving my stuff into the 'no pack pile'.
Needless to say, as there were few places it could have been moved to or fallen to (fat chance in a non slip cover). Those places were searched as the guys finished loading (minus the one crew person -- how suspicious).
We moved the next morning and I managed to get some sleep despite being sans ipod. We got up at 6 and got ready to drive to MA and start unpacking. We arrived as they were unloading. Only Billy and Brian, two brothers who were 'in charge' of the move, were the crewmen we knew. The others were local from MA and were in to help us move things into the house and around off the trucks.
I quickly went through the boxes and realized that my Itouch had not, in fact, been packed as we had all slightly hoped it had. I ended up having to talk to Billy and let him know that the Itouch was not to be found. He said he hadn't wanted to think about it because he knew who had taken it as it was the guy's first day on the job. What fun. Billy said that he had seen it in the place I'd told him it had been and he had also noticed it was missing towards the end of the day before the other guy had left. What freaking fun. So he told me he'd tell his boss and that they would be in touch with me.
I ended up having to call on Friday and ask them what the deal was because I wasn't just going to let a 400$ theft go unnoticed -- and not harass them. The owner of the company called me back and said that he realized the theft was a problem and did not debate that it had happened. He said that the guy was Brian's (One of the mover brother team) friend and that Brian was going to try and get my Itouch back this weekend if he could find the guy. Elsewise they would replace it on Monday. So that is tomorrow, and I'll be awaiting their call.
We've made it through a few days of hauling boxes and unpacking and it just sucks. My back is killing me and the dogs are unsettled and aren't sleeping which means they are keeping me up (Taz is attacking me as I type) * reaches down and puts dog on her lap* okay, I apologize in advance for dog related typos because he'll shortly go to sleep on one wrist or the other.
Packing wasn't too bad, because we weren't really doing it, but unpacking has been a real pain in the ass. I've been working my butt off and taking very little time to myself. It has all been about just helping out and getting this done.
Chris, my Aunt, has come down from Vermont and is helping us unpack. She cannot really do the lifting but is helping unpack and such. It is a great help. My aunt, Jody, is being a flipping pain in our asses trying to re-do what we've already done. She steadfastly refuses to take care of Nana, at all, and is leaving us all with our butts hanging out to get smacked.
Situation: 11:30 am, and Jody has gotten up and gone to church with Jack (Her 11 yr old son). They left nana and grandpa at their house (where they are staying until Mom and I ((we're sleeping at the house)) manage to get the place well enough done that they can stay.) They did not wake Nana and give her any sort of breakfast, just left. Granted, it takes some planning to manage a lot of things like that in the morning and still feed Nana, but you can do it with little thought. (My wrist is getting very heavy.)
Jody left, and didn't wake Nana. So come 11:30 nana isn't feeling well and hasn't had breakfast and is still asleep in bed. Because when she doesn't eat she has no energy to get up and doesn't bother because then her stomach just hurts from hunger pains!
Grandpa was awake, but hadn't fed nana because she wanted to sleep more. He doesn't really realize that he HAS to feed her, or else.
So I'm called in and come over to get her fed. Mom and I tag team her because now that she has spent the morning in bed with no food she feels awful. Go figure. So we get nana fed, and she's doing pretty well. Jack comes up with nana's pills. I had tried to explain to Jody about nana's pills and she had refused to listen, so Jack puts the wrong pills on the plate and nana takes them. So now she's had her whole day's pills and has taken double the dose of one of them, which she takes a 1/2 pill of on Sundays. She took whole pill because 'jody' who didn't want to listen about the pills and become a nurse maid, then gave random pills to jack to give to nana. with stronger pills or a stricter regiment (which jody wouldn't know because she doesn't want to be a nurse maid) She could have hurt nana.
So I try to tell her to make sure that nana takes no more pills today because now she's had all of them and Jody gives me a flipping lecture about not being their nurse maid. They are in your house, and you were the one who gave your son random pills to give to his grandmother when you didn't know anything about them because you didn't want to.
END RANT -- But seriously. *Annoyed face*
SO i'm stuck at Jody's being the babysitter to nana while mom takes grandpa out. I'm not getting anything done at the house and Jody has gone to do that (God knows what she is changing around.) Shoot me! I'm much more productive than Jody is, but because she doesn't want to take care of Nana, she's off messing with the house and I'm stuck here blogging and getting nothing done. (yes, i realize blogging isn't nothing, but still. There is SO MUCH to do and I'm stuck here because Jody is a pain in my ass).
Jody spends more time re-doing things we've already done than she does helping us actually get things unpacked and put away. She spends her time moving the room around after we've set it up, or criticizing my mother for the work she's doing. My mom doesn't need her shit. She's already stressed enough and I'm sick of Jody's 'better than you' attitude.
If she didn't want to be involved, she should have just said something. I also got to listen to her pick a fight with my grandmother this afternoon. She was being a bully. Nana isn't feeling well and Jody was just pushing and pushing her to get things done and telling her what they were going to do. My grandmother does not do well when you tell her what she's going to do.

Anyway, that seems to be the end of the story for the time being. I'm hoping that we can get this stuff done and get home Wednesday. I'm super ready!

~M

D-Day

Well, tis upon us. Moving begins with the packing tomorrow. There is a lot of stuff to pack so it is gonna be a hectic day of packing and moving and such. Should be terribly interesting. But, I get ahead of myself, some updates.

I meant to write, but got completely overwhelmed. I'll write later. Sorry folks, but yes, I am alive and the moving/packing has commenced! *gasp* they are actually on their way out of here!

Will write on this later.

Horoscope

Great, even my Horoscope is in on the madness:

"When times are tough, or at least tricky, the universe often sends hints your way, via coincidental circumstances, vivid or recurring dreams or the appearance or reappearance of someone whose presence makes you feel a certain way. It's up to you now to figure out what those coincidences and dreams are all about. You know you can do it. If anyone is an expert at unraveling such things for others, it's you. Do it for yourself now."


I have very little patience for these things most of the time, and today I just happened to read it. Lovely, I'm supposed to unravel things when I'm still searching for the answers. Today isn't the best day. Spending a lot of time contemplating subjects which should be left well enough alone. Joe is on my mind today. I miss him, as odd as that sounds. I really do. I guess that is how it goes when someone plays wheres waldo in your life. In one second and out the other. At least I got some of it out in my writing over the past few days. 


My Writing, If you've any interest


I guess it is how I keep sane. Go me.


Still planning my tattoo. I'm trying to figure out if I want something permanent on my body. I guess I'll figure that out pretty soon. "Not all those who wander are lost" Has been a phrase to describe me for so many years. I guess I wouldn't mind wearing it permanently.

Finding the Answers

A though provoking bit of writing on that card. I wonder if the generations which are coming and which have come in the last ten years feel more lost than those who have come before us? I feel like there were fewer options and more set ways when other generations were coming through, but now, as we move through our college years and the years scarcely a few years past we have so many more options, and thus it is so much more complicated than it used to be. 

I think a ton of people walk around waiting for the answers to drop on their heads. It doesn't tend to happen that way, but what if. If we had a family business, though we'd rebel and think we wanted other choices, most would inevitably end up working in the family business with the stress removed and their lives set out before them. But as family businesses fall to the major corporations, one now has to pick a job which he/she may or may not be qualified for and go for it. 

The worst part is trying to choose. It is hard to change careers these days because one career tends to take a ton of training. 

So yes, I think we take a ton of our lives trying to find the answers to our questions. We do not head straight into a line of work as many used to, and science is ever complicating our lives by breaking everything we knew down a step further into what we now have to re-learn.

The Generations after us will know more, be taught Pluto isn't a planet, and will be much more computer literate than we could ever hope to be in our lifetimes. I was taught typing on a typewriter in middle school for peat’s sake. I even had to take cotillion classes to learn how to ballroom dance. GAH! So, as we're emerging into the world and re-learning all the things which have changed since we were kids, we're constantly in a struggle to figure out who we are. 

Even in love we're complicated. It is hard to meet people these days once you're out of school. You are not introduced to social families anymore, and you are hardly ever invited to 'real' social engagements these days. So where does that leave many people? In the dusk of a time when things were much easier, and life was easier to live and get it over with.

okay, end mind boggling philosophical rant... 

Boy Pirates...

Took it out of my profile so I had to put it somewhere:

CadavreRiant83

i hate he is taken

though we will see if he even calls tomorrow

my luck he wont

Emily 

he sounds consistent

the ones with girlfriends always are

CadavreRiant83

lmao

great

Emily

yeah, seriously

we have to steal them.

CadavreRiant83

lol

Emily 

We have to be BOY pirates!

ARRRRR

CadavreRiant83

LMAO

Emily 

we'll take them captive

CadavreRiant83

I am totall there!

Emily 

and seduce them

and keep them!

25 inches of snow!

Well folks, I write you from the now frozen north. It was quite an adventure, and yes, I finally have power back after Friday, Saturday, and Sunday without power. That was not a fun adventure thank you very much. To follow, are a few pictures I took of the mess that this snow made. Figures I escape from the frozen south and end up frozen into the freaking north again!

Well, this is the road. Yes, the road complete with one very large tree down the center of it. 

I didn't get a picture of me standing near it, but it was a HUGE tree!

This is the front of the house, grandpa included. 

Check out the snow on the power lines from the house to the street!

I was so certain the trees all around us were going to fall all night. 

It was not fun to be sleeping upstairs around the falling branches.

In the top left you can see sky, that used to be a tree!

This is what the road looked like by our driveway. Check out the snow on the trees!

This snow was WET and Heavy and it was bringing branches down.

To walk around and take these pictures I had to listen constantly for the sound of limbs breaking.

So I could dodge out of the way if necessary.

The next day the snow just fell in huge icy chunks. 

Grandpa got nailed by a few before giving up on a dog walk and coming home!

This is what the driveway looked like.

You can see the small path I cut to the top of the driveway!

I cannot believe the snow we got!

Holy cow!

And, last but not least, this is the aforementioned front of the house with the huge table of snow.

Yes, the table measured about 23 inches, but we got a lot of wet slush before we got snow.

just wow.

In the background you can see that there are broken tree limbs everywhere!

So ends the picture show of the frozen north. I'm super glad we got power back and cannot wait to see how things keep going. We are at March 1 and the grandparents begin moving in 21 days!

~M

Updates from the snowy north!

Well folks, my attempts to flee from the frozen south to the warmer north have been thwarted, though, MD is supposed to get five + inches of snow and we're just getting sleet, so perhaps it balances out :-).

Regardless, things here have fallen into routine, or a bit of a routine so to speak. Spike lands on me at about 7, curls up and sleeps for another two hours (if I'm lucky) and then we get up and go outside between 8:30 and 9. My waking up and walking around normally wakes up Nana who then gets up and to the bathroom. I make her breakfast at about 9:30 and we go on with our day from there.

Today we will be adding in a few things, like sorting through old clothing to try and figure out what we want to do with some of the things before she moves, as she doesn't need to take all of it with her. We will see how this goes, as she seemingly has no intention of moving within the next four months. Little does she know (though she's been informed) that she will be moving next month. She has a little under a whole month to get with the program or we shall resort to drastic measures. :-)

Anyway -- off to get her up and dressed, time for some packing adventures to ensue!

Doing Silly Things... Like Dying

"We knew an appraiser once. He died. Why do people keep doing that silly thing?"
~Nana

My Grandmother has few friends who are still living. It seems that she and my grandfather have quite out lived most of the people they grew up with and met throughout their lives. It must be said that at least once a day someone who has passed crosses her mind and she sits in thought and then makes some comment or another about death and dying. Today it was "We all will die sometime." and she has said many other little bits here and there about things which she's thought of concerning dying.
Today is my third day here. Nana is doing quite well, and is even a little faster today than she has been in the preceding days. I'm pretty pleased that she really isn't arguing with me about the things which she has to do every day.

More later.

New York, New York

Yes, I made it! Excellent, except for the fact that the net really doesn't want to cooperate so I'll be operating mostly when I'm hiding out in the study. I guess it isn't too bad, as things are just going to go that way. I will figure something out. I won't be online constantly. Sorry for those of you who I told I would be. I had no idea that setting up wireless would suck so much. They don't really have a strong enough signal for the wireless to be supported. Such is life. I guess it will get all figured out eventually. Or, knowing my luck, a few days after I leave.

On the good news side of things, I got to see KATY today! She rescued me from lots of hauling things on my own and helped me get moved in. We got to chat and catch up...not that we don't talk online and over the phone, but somehow it just isn't the same.

We made dinner, which Nana ACTUALLY ATE! *GASP* I did not know that to be possible -- but none the less it was a good first day. Nana had not gotten up by the time I got here (going on 2 pm) but when she got up she had an egg and a biscuit and some lemon curd (ultimately fattening). So, anyway. that went well and we'll get her up to more of a normal schedule soon. Food shopping tomorrow to stock this house up with things to be eaten (not by me).

That is about the run down. Keep checking in for some up and coming book reviews -- I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands, so I'll be writing a lot.

Leo

Lets101 Quizzes - Quizzes For Fun

Train of Thought

My train of thought always ends with the same Caboose.

The statement may sound funny, but, it is quite true.

I'll explain more later.

"I just can't do this" as an excuse to end a relationship.

It has come to light again recently that "I just can't do this." or "I can't do this to you." or "I just don't know." are now - a - days acceptable excuses for a rather serious relationship to end. How is it that you can go from talking about a future, living together, marriage, and children to one of these excuses so quickly.
News flash, everyone has issues at one point or another. The thing is being the adult and being able to discuss these things with your partner. When one side of the equation is left without understanding or resolution it is one of the hardest things to go through. Yes, you hit rough patches in your life, your mood and thinking change, but, isn't the point of being with someone the point that over time you're supposed to want to go through life with this person? I would say that yes, that is the point of dating someone and talking about a future. But what future is there really when you cannot talk about what bothers you with your partner.
Granted, it is not always the case that things work out 100%, but why not try? Instead of running away and thinking that your partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc -- doesn't understand, why not talk to h/er and figure things out. It makes no sense to 'fade out' (a term adapted from my own dying conversations through romance with people), or to just point blank run away from the person you're supposed to care about.
Since when has it become acceptable to run from your problems? I am quite sure that these excuses have not always existed in one form or another...but seriously?

What stops you from asking what is wrong when a conversation just seems wrong. One of the things which gets me, is that I am worried about starting something because of me trying to figure out what is going on. I know I don't always make it easy, but I know that trying is important. I, unfortunately, tend to pull away when I can feel a change in the person I'm seeing. This tends to be mainly when I'm talking to Joe. I get a little freaked about any move that I make because I never really know what makes us stop talking. Maybe someday we'll figure that out. How I would love to get it right someday.

*sigh* anyway. I feel bad for my little sister, who is currently in this predicament. Boys are weird.

OMG SNOW

Holy cow, there is about three feet of snow all around us. it is crazy!

So far, we had 19 inches at the beginning of this morning, and from here, we have gotten at least another foot ish...

Yikes!

I cannot wait for this day.

I think that this day will be on of the happiest days of my life. I'm looking, I swear. I'm changing my life in the hopes that someday -- someday I'll be able to forget.

New Beginnings

What is there to write really, but what has happened in the last few months. Things got difficult during the end of November and the beginning of December. I tried to make it clear to my disbelieving boss that I was not going to be staying long past Christmas. I guess a month was a little longer than I wanted to stay, but it suited me okay and now I'm on to something else.
My last day of work with this company is February 10th. I am so excited. I have wanted out of this job for a while now. Though I really enjoyed working with the people and learning about the product and answering all the questions...I could not deal with some of the staff and I was exhausted because I had to do the work of EVERYONE. I was spending all my time fixing mistakes and dealing with angry customers. It was not what I wanted.
The last straw came with Leena hiring a "manager' for the other store at 10,000$ a year more than she offered me. He has some retail experience, but literally does not know anything about pens. She brought in someone and paid them much more than she was willing to offer me. It completely sucks. I cannot wait until someone else has to deal with everything that I have been dealing with for ages.

So, after this, I'm heading to NY to take care of my grandparents until they are ready to move into their new place. I am looking forward to it so that I can catch up with Katy (EXCITEMENT) and see some of the city. I have wanted to go back to NY for a while, but work has kept me far, far away from my family. It is time for it to yield to what I want and get on it. :-)

So that is the story -- For now.

It has been two long years little cousin and we miss you every day. Happy Angel day Allison. I'm quite sure you're running around up there getting into mischief in the true Reid fashion. Remind Poppop that he has to show you the most amazing handstands, steal his chick-lets for me just one more time.

RIP: Allison Reid March 1st, 2002- January 25th, 2008  

www.allisonhugs.org

Ponderings

I thought I was writing a novel to end the story we'd begun but couldn't end. We laughed so many times about finally getting to write our ending from the same page. Though I miss those times, and those dreams of the future -- because everything was so in-tune. Turns out -- the ending we planned was just not in the cards. Here is to twists and turns in the plot of life, and to having something better in the future just write its way into your life...


On the subject of fairy tales:
They don't have a lot of fancy writing, but they all have the same basic story line. Girl and boy A and boy B. Girl has boy A and gets in trouble, is rescued by boy B and falls in love with him. End of story with happily ever after.
Even today's media feeds into the frenzy that women want to be 'rescued'. Maybe that is why we stay with people who hurt us, stay with people who don't love us as much as they could... I think we all want to be cared about, rescued, and secured for a lifetime of 'happiness' as we were raised to believe would happen.
We, as women, await the most simple romantic gesture in our lives. It doesn't really matter which man it comes from, but we await it. We just want you to send flowers on a whim, or show up just to say hi. It is the little things which have always counted, and in the sense of romantic interests and lives running along fairy tale guidelines, we want the guy who even remotely appears to care. 
Funny how that works. Thanks Disney for screwing up millions of women. We now set our standards too high, and lose the people we care about the most. That is not the way to do our lives.