Well, I think what the hell sums it up pretty well. What the freaking hell is going on these days? I'm still dealing with my shit, and the crazy freaking dreams are not helping. I had another one a few days ago. There have been two, completely un-related dreams in the last week.
Dream 1:
A friend of mine had told me about some issues that he was having with is latest business deal. It wasn't going all that well, and, it seems to me that he needed some guidance. Well, he got it all right, right through me. Jason is pretty damn religious, and I woke up after my dream knowing that I HAD (no question) to talk to him about what I'd seen in my dream. The message was, "she's not important to your plan, she would have blown it all in the future. Go on anyway, you'll make it without her. Have faith." That was an interesting dream. After that one came the more disturbing one.
Dream 2:
I still don't like the new 'no eyebrow' trend which is popping up in pop art as well as high end fashion. I never liked it before, and I don't like it now. The dream I had was very scary. Joe was in it, as we all well know he went through a phase when he had no eyebrows. I guess he was easy to picture that way. We were having a conversation and it was aggressive and passive at turns, but the difference between the two was whether or not he had eyebrows. Towards the end of the dream he was in my face and the eyebrows were gone and he was looking at me in a way I can't even begin to explain. Threatening, and sad at the same time. It was really strange. It left me feeling rather disconcerted through the whole thing. I wasn't happy when I woke up, but, I mean, what a freaking strange dream. I don't like dreaming about Joe, but I have had them on and off for years, especially when I'm feeling sad, depressed, or lonely. I guess that is just how it goes. The dreams are either great and happy and whatever, or they are traumatizing and stressful. They make me remember a past I don't need to remember, and I don't want to remember anymore.
There isn't hope there anymore. No matter what happens next, there isn't anything left. I'm not even left her anymore. Maybe I didn't go to California, but I'm still here, and I may be heading somewhere else. I just need to. I can't play these games anymore. Maybe it is time to work hard core over Christmas, make a killing, quit and go travel the way I've wanted to for years. maybe I won't come back after all. There isn't too much left for me somedays, and these days are no exception. I love my friends, and my family, but I need more than that in my life right now. I don't want bullshit and games anymore. I'm ready and yearning to be in a 'normal' relationship. I can't deal with things falling through anymore. It is killing me, and I will not play these games again.
So, outside of my life, this has been an interesting week for a few of my friends. Anne is having trouble with her boy. They've been dating for months now and suddenly, within the span of two weeks, his communication which used to be every day has fallen away to once and a while, and now nothing. He seems to be gone completely. Anne noticed a few weeks ago that the conversations were not what they used to be, and things seemed strained or stressed. I know that feeling. Now, two weeks later, he is awol and completely out of touch. He used to talk to her a couple times a day, and now he's gone completely. She's so upset and hurt. Unfortunately, I know how she feels, and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't make her feel better.
Peter basically dropped off the face of the earth. It was such a dick move. I had never thought that my friends would have to go through the same things I did. It hurt so much, like a hole had been ripped through me. It hurts a little less each and each consecutive time. But, why go back for more? Well, like Anne has said, if Peter comes back, she'd go back with him, and he'd most likely pull the same thing again. Why is that? Joe comes in and out of my life and I'm a freaking mess, but I don't want to be that anymore. At least now I know. At least now I know what I do and don't want to do anymore. Playing games is not my forte.
Anne now has to deal with everything which has fallen on her plate. I remember the way I felt and I cannot help her feel the way I've come to feel now. Everything is raw and it is painful. I'm sorry for her, because I never want anyone else to feel the way I have when someone disappears out of your life. It is scary, and it is painful. You're left with questions which are most likely never answered. I though I was the only one who had this issue with guys. Or with a guy...as the case may be.
What fun.
I think that is it for the night.
<3
~M
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