It is amazing to me sometimes, how one can forget the simplest things when it comes to calming down and going on with their lives. There are so many things on my mind right now that I'm beyond the rambling stage and into the serious life decision pondering stage. Scary how that works. I'm not unhappy with what my life is right now, and I'm certainly adoring that Joe is in my life again. But I'm afraid of the world like that, afraid of the change that will eventually happen. Either we get more serious and I move here (pending job hunting, which is going--- nowhere), or things manage to fall the hell apart again and I move on with a badly fucked up idea of what relationships actually are.
I'm hoping for the former, afraid of the latter. To lose. To feel sorrow. To break one's heart. To fall apart at the seams, and to keep on living. That is how I've felt for years. What does it mean to be someone with someone else. What does it mean to feel that your heart hurts and nobody is 'your person'. What does it mean when you have nobody?
I wonder, from time to time, how different my life would have been if I hadn't spent the last couple years... and by last couple years I mean about six, in love with a boy who I'm not sure is ever going to love me again. He said he loved me once, and I'm not gonna lie, It freaked me out. I couldn't say it back, wanted to make sure I knew what it really meant before I wondered off onto that track. Sadly enough, it wandered right back into that track the second he was no longer in my life. Unfortunately, the feeling never really faded the way I felt that it should. I wanted it to go away, wanted to have something else to my life, but that never happened. His voice can still quicken my heart beat and his kiss still makes my stomach drop. It doesn't matter how long we've been apart, it is always the same way and I can't help but close my eyes and savor the moment. But -- and there are always buts involved.... But I'm still a bit freaked. I cannot managed to say those three words to him, though I feel them with all of my heart -- and have for some time.
I know so much about him, and so little. But, I think he knows a lot more about me than I give him credit for. Hell. I have no idea anymore. perhaps I've just forgotten what I once knew.
Time, and the job market are hell on me these days. I want more than anything to be here with him. To see if things will really work out and head somewhere we both want. I want to know that things are stable and that he is 'my person.' That is what I've always wanted. But, what if the job hunt takes too long, or is unsuccessful. We're not planning on living together, though I'm sure if it was the two of us it wouldn't be a problem... So I have to be able to support myself -- and therein lies the problem.
Everyone needs their space, and everyone needs time to themselves. I guess I sometimes am a little more needy than I let on. I need the affirmation that I'm still important to him and that we aren't fading out. I'm terrified of a similar ending to the ones we've always had. I'm freaked out that these things could fall apart. I just don't know what to do most of the time. Yeah, I need more than some people these days, because I cannot deal with all things on my own. I cannot be in this 'relationship' without a little more assurance from him some days, especially when I have more emotional days. Sometimes I just need to know he cares about me.
I guess that is what I have to say, for the time being. perhaps it is time for a quick nap, then party time... this should be interesting.
