Migraines

I can tell I'm stressed when I'm not sleeping and the migraines are wracking my brain and turning it into a gelatinous pudding. Yes, that was a lot of information in one sentence, but I'm sticking with it. I cannot imagine that was a pleasant visual for most people, but I'm game to say that right now I feel like that pudding is slowly sliding it's way down my throat and out my ears. Perhaps that is why I'm so freaking unhappy and emotional tonight. I don't really know why. Things should be pretty level, but I'm feeling like a whining thirteen year old.
The flashbacks today were worse than they have been in a long time. I could feel his hand in mine and suddenly it was like I was right back there, sitting in the car, just happy to be next to him. It didn't matter what we were doing, or if we were seeing a goofy movie. We were just happy and content to be doing that. What the hell happened to that? What did I do wrong? I just don't understand. It hurts today, worse than it has hurt in a while. I feel so useless and so unwanted. I hate where I am but I think I'd hate other places too.
So what the hell do I do. This guy is in my head and I'm wrapped so tightly that my emotions run headlong into daydreams to keep me going. What on earth does that help? I'm so freaking tied up, and not in a good way, that I cannot fathom a way to separate myself from these memories which catch me and drag me so far down. I can feel his touch, and the wave of emotions crashes over me and slams me into the ground -- face first. I don't get it. I try to fight it, and I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm breaking tonight, and I don't want to lose it. I'm fighting it, but it is pulling me down. I thought that maybe I had a grasp on it, but apparently that was not the case as I'd thought.
I tried giving in to it, trying everything again. I've tried pretending that it never happened and that I never felt the need I've felt for years. I've done everything I can think of and I've failed to pull my heart away from his grasp. I'm dreaming about him and it is driving me to chaos during the days. But lately, when I take that deep calming breath to steady my life, I feel him crashing over me. I see him sitting, or looking off into the distance, and then I feel him. I feel him drag at me, pulling me as close to him as he can. And suddenly it is like I'm re-living some of the best times with him.
I'm not sure what it is about the memories. They crash over me from time to time, and today and yesterday have been particularly potent when it has come to these flashes. I've gone down to my knees, and leaned on my counter tops trying to remember how to breathe after the flashes come through. I feel the perfection I felt that we had, and suddenly, it is pulled away again. I cannot imagine how or why this is happening, or why it is suddenly getting worse. It doesn't make any sense.
I'm trying to be happy. I'm trying with all my heart and soul because that is what I want. I want to be happy. I want to move forwards, and I am just not sure how to manage that.

I guess that is the story for the night,
~M