So, a little background here. I've been back from California for about three days now. I really don't want to talk about it. hahaha. It wasn't great, and it wasn't terrible. I am not moving. There is a lot more for me on the East coast, and I really didn't feel at home by the sea in California. They also didn't really offer me enough money to get out there. So, I'm staying, for the time being. I'm actually considering moving to Philadelphia with Katy if she gets a place out there to live and work. I'm not really worried about finding a job, I can manage. We'd have a good time, and Phili has a lot of disk and people my age. Right now that is where I'm not getting anywhere, which brings me to the conversation Angela and I had on my way home from work today...
Angela is having a few issues with boys she's finding around TN. I'm not surprised these days, as the boys I've come across are just as inconsistent as the ones she is coming across. She is in a similar state of affairs as I am with Joe. We are in some sort of 'relationship' with guys who do not seem to appreciate us. They are there when they care to be, and gone when they want to be. We are left waiting, staring at screens wondering if they will decide that they want something to do with us for the time. Now, that isn't necessarily the way it needs to work, and I'm not saying it is right. But, we are two girls who are very used to men/boys leaving. We are used to them getting tired of us and moving on without saying anything. We are afraid each day to the next that our boy has decided this day he doesn't want anything to do with us. So yes, we try and start conversations occasionally, but we are very sensitive to the way the conversation goes. We worry all the time that they will kick us to the curb so easily.
We don't know how to start a conversation when we know we want to talk to them, want to talk to them all the time. We don't want to seem clingy, or pushy. We don't want to give them a reason to turn away, again. We don't know what to do, because we haven't ever kept a guy around long enough to know what works.
We're confident, and we're insecure. We're unhappy, and we are in love. We just don't know what we have to do to make things right. We want these guys in our lives, but we are left sitting, waiting, not knowing what they really think. We are so careful to do nothing wrong that we kill the whole idea of our 'relationships'. We're smart, we're talented, we're beautiful. But we think we're always doing something wrong. We're insecure, and we're unhappy, and we're unsure of ourselves. We can't figure out what it is that we have to do to make things right. We are angry, disappointed, we're lonely. We don't understand. We feel like we're in the middle of playing games. We don't like being left stranded, and we hate being alone at the end of such hard work for us.
We're trying to be the girls that our guys want. We're doing out best to keep these guys in our lives, but we've lost, or we're losing. I don't know what to do anymore. I want Joe in my life. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. Maybe he doesn't get the messages I leave or left on his Aim. He says I'm not trying. I'm trying not to be clingy, to say the right thing, to not let him have a doubt about wanting me in his life. I'm insecure about it damn it. I don't know what is 'right' to do. I would talk to him all day every day if I could. That is just how I feel. I come across things I want to show him, things I want to tell him about. But, right now, I'm just not sure he wants anything to do with me. And I did that, partially, the same way he did.
And it isn't just our choices which are getting to us. We are trying to keep guys who don't communicate. Guys who are probably as insecure as we are. Guys who wait for us to make a move, wait for us to tell them what we feel and what we want. We wait, and they wait. They vanish or they fall out of touch and it hurts us. They appear not to realize that what they do and say really hurts us. They don't really watch what they say, and, they don't realize what we are hurting when they're not around. They don't realize that we're insecure, and that what we really want is them. It doesn't matter what they think of themselves. We chose them. I chose Joe because of who he is. He isn't perfect, and neither am I. I don't expect him to be, and I don't want to change him. I just want him in my life. He's in my dreams, in my thoughts, in my heart. I want to tell him I love him. But, perhaps now that cannot really be said. Maybe it is too late -- to late to heal.
It drives me crazy that I feel as though he fades out. I don't know why it feels that way, but it does. We talk less. We don't talk about anything 'deep' like we used to. We both do it, as though we reach a point where we have to end it or really go forwards. It kills me that he does this. It breaks my heart, or what is left of it. I really thought we were getting somewhere this time. I really thought that five months was something to be pretty proud of, since we hadn't managed to keep in touch that much ever before. What the heck happened? What is going on?
We spend so much time being afraid of doing something wrong which will make them drop us, that we don't ask the important questions. We don't push where we need to push, because we are afraid that they'd rather leave than push back and show us that they care about us. We don't know what to do anymore. There are plenty of guys, yes, but the right ones are so hard to find -- so few and far between.
There are other guys who want to be in my life. But I don't 'feel' them. I don't know what it is about Joe. It is undeniable that we have some spark -- some something which makes us want to be with the other -- but, I'm just not so sure about what the heck is going on sometimes. I wish so hard to forget. But I can't. So what now? Where do Angela and I go from here? How do we spell it out? How do we make sure that we are who we are with these boys? How do we make sure we don't lose the one who really counts?
that is it for the night....
~M
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