Good bye Nana

My grandmother died, June 7th 2011 at 5:50 in the morning. She woke me up to say goodbye as she left us. I'll hold her in my heart forever and I'll never forget the things she's taught me.

Rest in peace. I'm so glad you're no longer in pain. Watch over me and guide me, I've always tried to walk where I could learn and grow and make you proud.

So, here we are.

I said goodbye to my grandmother yesterday. I'm not sure I'll ever see her again. Half of me is absolutely destroyed, isn't sleeping, and feels such a immense sense of loss it is overwhelming. The other half of me is so exhausted of her being unhappy and sick. I hate seeing her upset and confused and sick. She hurts, so much, and there isn't much they can do anymore. Part of me wishes that I can be completely unselfish and let her go without feeling hugely upset at her passing away. But, it is so much harder than it seems. I just want her to stop suffering and to stop being so ill and unhappy.
She has stomach cancer, and another tumor down by her pancreas. It is inoperable, and the stomach tumor is blocking the exit from her stomach -- hence why she's been throwing up after eating and losing so much weight. They don't know what they can do about this, and they're not sure they're really going to try anything. She's not really strong enough for surgery, and they're pretty sure that she wouldn't really make it through anything they tried to do. They're not even sure she'll make it through the endoscope procedure they have to do over the next few days.

It is absolutely heartbreaking for me. She was too sick to make it to my graduation, and at this point, she'll never make it to my wedding (like that'll ever happen anyway), and she'll never see her great grand children. She'll never see me have a published novel. She'll never see me succeed in anything right now. All she has seen of me in the last few years is me making bad choices and ending up being unhappy -- Unhappy and still working retail. I feel like a failure, and I don't think she'll be there to see me in a state where I feel like something else.

It's awful -- and I'm stuck here in PA, where I have no one. I don't get to have people around me who care. I don't have someone to turn to here -- exactly what I moved here for. I thought I'd have a person, to care about me, and to hold me when the world was too much for me to handle alone. But, apparently, that is what I get to do. Having people here tell me that "it'll pass" is not what needs to be said, ever. Right now, this will not pass, and I will suffer through it by myself rather than have it sluffed off the way that it already has been sluffed off.

I can't do this alone. But, I got myself into this situation, and now I have to deal with it -- and, apparently, I have to deal with it alone.

well, that is the grandmother update.... prayers and thoughts appreciated.

~M

Hidden secret

 

The back of the secret said: It'll never love you back.

Day to day...

That's how I live these days. One day to the next. I've been sick, but yay antibiotics, cause now I think I'm finally feeling better. Being sick just sucked and sapped my strenght. The worst part is that it had probably been going on since right before I moved to PA. So, that is a long time to have your body fighting something. No wonder I was always so damn tired -- and absolutely unable to really continue functioning. So... lets chalk that up to a very bad run of luck. Hopefully that is all gone and I won't have to deal with it anymore.

Regardless work is okay, life still sucks to some extent, and I'm still breathing (good or bad, it is what it is).

more later, when I feel like writing again and less like my heart is being ripped out of my chest via my stomach.

Ready to escape

It is so hard to be with and around someone who you know doesn't love you. A couple days after Joe walked out of my life again my mother said to me "Just because you care for someone does not mean that you can help them." Oh how wise my mother has always been. That was at the root of the problem, because I couldn't change Joe from what he was/is to something and someone I knew he could be. It wasn't my job, and frankly, it wasn't fair for him to make the assumption that he did not have to try to be in a relationship with me. I disagree with antyhing and everything that happened in that relationship over the many years it was in action. I guess there isn't anything else for me to do but get away. I'm awaiting job offers from some major people, and hopefully, one of them will take me away from him and away from here. I look forward to it -- and once I'm gone. I'm gone. There is no going back.

I know that most people will never get it, but I'm okay at the moment, though I cried last night. Sometimes you need the tears and time to settle your life and regulate who and what you really are. Sometimes, you just need it. I'm getting there -- though feeling lonely and alienated. I guess that is just how it goes sometimes. I took a chance and I'm not bulletproof. He shot me down and hit vital parts of me I thought I had protected from him. I guess not. But, I'll heal, as all wounded seem to. The scars will stay on the inside and I will learn to find myself being okay just being me. That is what I want more than ever... well, that and being able to go back four months and never start this whole damn buisness with Joe again. But, unfortuantely, I do not have a time machine. That is just how my life works. I guess I will do my best to move on and just see where life decides to take me. So wind, carry me away.

 "Remembrance of things past is not necessarily the remembrance of things as they were." Marcela Proust

I tend to whole-heartedly love quotes of all kinds, and lately, they sit much better with me. I am constantly looking for meaning to what is and has happened in my life. It is hard, to be unsure of yourself. And it is hard to be unsure of who you are and what you have in your life. I have my family and my friends. I have my job, which I like, and prospects for a job, which I could come to really love – and stay with for years. But, I feel self conscious and unsure of myself these days. I don’t feel particularly like myself, and I do not feel as though I’m attractive right now. Hopefully this too will pass like the seconds of our lives which tick away with wild abandon. I, too, long for heartbreak to lose it's meaning, because without meaning, I do not believe that it could cause the pain it causes for me every day. I hate jealousy, and I hate feeling it. Maybe if I repeat it to myself oft enough I'll manage to make it have no meaning to me. I'm willing to work at it, so bring it on. 

Heartbreak, heartbreak, heartbreak. Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy... be gone.

1. I happen to think that the following is also quite true. I do not believe that staying and waking up next to him, worrying about what the day would bring would help me at all. I don't need the pain, the fear, or the anxiety which he constantly brought into my life. I know this, so why can't my brain get it through to my heart that this isn't going to happen -- and it isn't going to ever be something which is good for me. I'll never be okay with him and even if something happened again with him, I'd never be able to stop worrying and I'd never be able to trust him. I hope that if this job comes through and I can leave this place someday that I'll be able to leave him completely in my dust. If I leave this state and he has done nothing to try and remain friends and breach the gap he created between us, I will never speak with him again. I don't feel bothered by that resolution.

1. Here is to finally figuring out how to live.

What I can't wait for is my life to have a love in it which makes me forget about everything and the past. He will be my friend and my lover. He will be everything to me and never treat me the way Joe did. I am now, more than ever, willing to wait for the right person to come along. I know Joe will be back -- he always comes back. But I think this time I'll be strong enough to punch him in the face and walk the other way. Cause, I can't and wont do this again. Two major tries, and a bunch of little ones thrown in along the way. You don't get that many chances with me, and  I will never put myself in the situation where he can make me feel awful abuot myself again. I just won't do it again. I can only have so much self-doubt in my life, and that is all he brings to me now -- whether I loved him once, or not.

He isn't the one for me.

So I'll wait

Unitl I can clearly see,

The way my life should be.

That is what I want. ^^^ A love which bewilders, and surprises. A love which I never once question and never once let leave my mind. Eyes wide open, and kisses with them shut. I'll always remember to stand up for myself. I won't have another horrendous shot at being in love or even 'in like' with anyone. I settled for Joe, and I"ll never settle like that again. I let him treat me in a way I would never accept from anyone else, so why was it acceptable for him to treat me that way? I have to figure that out sometime, because the answer wasn't because he was the right guy for me. He was wrong in so many more ways than one. So... I need to figure out how to get my self-confidence back, and then I'll try and figure out how to move on with my life from here.

<3 Em

     Poor duckling. It is true that you don't have to be pretty to have your problems solved. At least you didn't make stupid mistakes being pretty and then wind up feeling ugly. I feel ugly right now. I do not feel attractive -- and I'm taking it out on my eating, which is really screwing up my internal systems. It's not so good. I can't rationalize my feelings right now, and some of them make me feel like an ugly person. I don't want to be upset and angry, and I don't want jealousy to have roots in my life.

     I'm working to be a better person. I'm reading The Shack with Angela and I'm hoping to find something in it, something I need to go forwards. I cannot wait to see how I feel this time around. I know some people don't believe in God, and I don't really know what I believe most days. I hope that someday I'll have an idea about everything in my life. Sometimes I feel like I need more in my life than what I just have right now. 

    It's hard for me to admit the things which have happened in my life in the past few months. I'm ashamed of making bad choices. I feel that I showed my friends and my family that I am not capable of making the right choices in my life. I feel like I let my parents down, cause now they worry that I'm here alone. 

    I hate that I was so wrong about Joe. Why couldn't I see it? Why do I still feel that there is someone else in him which is not this person that I see all the time? Somedays he can really be the guy I know I fell in love with -- but that guy is so hidden beneath what he is now that I can't get there anymore. I'm not sure anyone can these days. He's beyond long gone. I don't know what to do with him, and I think I am seriously going to do my best not to be involved. I hate that my friends tell me that I don't hide the pain well enough -- that everyone can tell that I'm falling apart inside. I hate knowing that. I value being able to hide what I feel and go on, push on, through my life. I like hiding what I don't want to show. I don't like people being able to read me. I don't like letting it out either, cause to me, the more I let it out -- the more it hurts and sinks in. I don't need it to be a part of me for my life to continue. I want to bag it up and put the bag in a locked box and sink it somewhere in the depths of my mind where I'll never uncover it again.