The 31st Post on the 31st Day

Well, Happy Halloween. I had to start with that. Worshiping the "devil's holiday" according to Eva (my co-worker) anyway. There isn't too much going on. We (Lauren and I) spent our day just hanging out and chilling before we played with little children and gave out candy at the mall.

Yesterday was a 5,600$ day in the store. I did 1,500$ online, and then did a 3,800$ sale and an 800$ sale plus a bunch of hundred - two hundred dollar sales throughout the evening. I did awesome. Today my boss gave me $50 because of how good a day we had on Friday! W00t. I'm awesome.

I didn't get to see Mike again today, but, he texted when he got home from OK yesterday and we've chatted a bit tonight as well. He's out in Baltimore pirating it up. Sounds like fun, but I'm actually quite a bit happier being at home ready to get to bed. I'm so tired! And, I have to work all day tomorrow. I'll start with coffee in the morning and go from there. next week I have to being going to the gym more regularly -- especially because the season is over. It is time to make sure I stay in shape over the winter. It is what I really do need, and I've put on a few pounds (4-5) since I got back from CA. It was a weird few months for me. A week of being sick with lyme, and then three weeks on antibiotics for it, followed by another week of recovery. From there I popped something in my knee, which really hurt and probably wasn't good. So I was out of playing disk and out of shape for almost two months, which included me going to CA and hanging out there for a week. Now, I'm back and though I've been playing disk, it is just not a good enough workout to do that twice a week. So -- it is time to make use of this gym membership I'm paying for...

I read something today that got me thinking. I wasn't a book, though I'm still thinking about The Ice Queen and how it effected me while I was reading it, and once I'd finished. I was reading a post about whether or not being bi-polar was a good thing. I mean yes, you get extraordinarily happy about things, and ridiculously depressed and you feel like you're turned off from the world. Maybe it is a good thing to be happy when you're un-involved in the world. Perhaps that is a good way to be. Maybe if you don't notice the way you're feeling -- or the way you're hurting people. Maybe then, maybe then bi-polar disorder is a good thing. So get medicated, or fight it, but I think that you end up hurting people because you are excited about a situation or a relationship, and then you aren't. And you hurt the other person. You pull away and they are left with no answers, and you break them.

So no, bi-polar disorder isn't a good way to live. You'll end up alienating yourself and you'll be unable to continue to constantly push away people and then pull them back. Sooner or later they will realize that you will continue the same pattern of behavior and you will then be unreliable and worthless to them. You will only bring them misery, your misery.

Does that make you happy? I mean, if you're happy with the idea of life being blase, then fine. If you have no drive to go forwards then perhaps you are happy with that. I could never be happy being 'stuck' somewhere. But, if you have a lack of ambition, which is also a side effect of bi-polar disorder, then, fine, be happy with being bi-polar. But, I would imagine that you'll regret being in the situation you are in in a few years.

The other thing to add is the question of whether or not drug use has something to do with the lack of ambition. Using drugs changes your brain chemistry, and can lead you to have a completely different personality than you once had. *shrugs* I guess that sucks for everyone you. People will find other friends, other relationships, and other lives. They'll move on, but what will you do?

*ponder ponder*

kk, that's it for the night,
~M

A Final Goodbye

Everything else can wait, lets get to the important thing:

Tonight we say goodbye to Mr. Breeden, the father of Brian Breeden -- a very close friend of mine. I've known Brian for years now, though we never seem to see the time passing. We have passed it in company and in phone calls. We have been the ropes to bind each other to sanity. We have fought through hardships, but none such as what has come to pass this last weekend.
Saturday morning his father went into cardiac arrest and subsequently into a coma. It was confirmed this morning by the doctors that he would not recover from his heart attack and would never again regain consciousness.
Though I did not know him personally, I do know his son. And, in that alone I know he was a good man -- he raised an amazing son. Please keep the Breeden family in your hearts tonight, and always. It is terrifying to think of a loss such as this and I know Brian, as strong as he is, will still cherish every bit of support and comfort we can offer to him.

May he rest in peace.

The End of "The Ice Queen"

I finished "The Ice Queen" and man, has it rendered me illiterate and unable to form a cohesive thought.

It was excellent. I would recommend it to everyone. It is very good -- an unforgettable story which is different and makes you think. It combines so many interesting aspects, like chaos theory interwoven into fairy tales. It was super cool when they were including a bunch of things about lightening strikes and strike victims. wonderful writing. Overall A for the grade on this one. I really enjoyed it. I had trouble putting it down and spent the evening, at work, reading the end of this. It was nothing which was expected, but it was all the more challenging for the writer and exceptional for the reader!

Go get, and read, this book.

Dates :-)

I guess I need to write I've got a SECOND date with Mike Saturday hopefully!

It has been lots of fun chatting with him today, he likes to stay in touch! We had a great time last night hanging out and having coffee. He's away for the week, so we've been texting back and forth today, and he wants to see me again this weekend, hopefully Saturday!

I like this one a lot. I'll update more later!

DATES

Well, I've had a couple dates in the last few days. I'm super excited about the latest one. I went out with Jeff, a used-to-be army guy who has come out of the army and is now starting a new job working with computers, and Mike, a great conversationalist who has a ton of potential and is 26 (tall, cute, and ambitious).

I'll write more later. We'll see if Mike stays in touch! I sure hope so, but he'll be out of town for this whole week. *crosses fingers* this guy was a really good time. I had a great time hanging out with him, and I hope to see him again next weekend!

<3
~M

"The Ice Queen" By Alice Hoffman

I've begun yet another book. lol.

"The Ice Queen" By Alice Hoffman. Welcome to a world of interesting wishes gone wrong. An 8 year old girl wishes her mother won't come home, because her mother is spending the night out on her birthday. Her mother dies on the way to the party -- ice slick on the drive there. Here is an 8 year old who blames herself, her actions, and her words. A girl who, upon learning of her mother's death, leaves behind all her toys because she doesn't believe that she deserves them.
She stops being able to make any sort of connection with people. She becomes a librarian obsessed with death. She helps a local cop solve homicide cases, and has sex with him in the back seat of his car. Not because she wants him, but because she just wants sex. When he starts to love her, she hightails it away and runs from him.
She's now on her way down south to live with her brainiac brother who is very well educated and studies meteorology. He has taken her from her stupor in their grandmother's old house and re-located her down south with him. On their way down south, they encounter a thunderstorm. Her brother is happily writing down details of the thunderstorm and she says aloud that she wishes she'd get struck by lightning. There it was, another ill-fated wish, said too quickly to take back.
A few months later, she is struck by lightning, and her whole world changes.
She loses the ability to see the color red.

that is it so far, she's now getting on with her disabilities...and she's joined her brother's studies on people who have been struck by lightning.

~M

The Book List

I have nine books on my reading list, while I'm also attempting to re-read the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Series. I can't wait to read more of them, but I also have these books I 'should' read, to stay on top of the current trends, and so on and so forth.

1. "The Pact" by Jodi Picoult.
2. "Nineteen Minutes" by Jodi Picoult
3. "Picture Perfect" By Jodi Picoult
4. "The Time Traveler's Wife" By Audrey Niffenegger
5. "The Ice Queen" By Alice Hoffman
6. "The Host" By Stephenie Meyer
7. "Impossible" By Nancy Werlin
8. "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" re-released by quirk press
9. "The Memory Keeper's Daughter" by Kim Edwards

I think that is about it. I'm not sure which one I want to read first, but there is also another one I wanted to read, something about lace codes. "The Lace Reader" By Brunonia Barry.

I'll write on these each as I read through them. I'm having a crisis of conscience about number 8. I'm not sure if I am offended that they did this, or if I think it is hilarious...

"LifeHouse, BLIND"

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
and still I have the pain I have to carry
a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor


(chorus)

after all this time
would you ever wanna leave it
maybe you could not believe it
that my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you will ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
and I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me dies when I let you go


I guess it doesn't always make sense, what we feel. I'm not sure if I'm in a 'stage' right now, or if I'm just a good numb for the time being. I'm almost okay with being numb. I don't feel the pain and I don't feel the loss. But, I don't smile as much, and I certainly don't laugh as much as I have in the past. I guess they equal out. maybe. Eventually, this will stop bothering me, and I'll lull into forgetfulness...


eventually...

Finished

"The Lovely Bones"


If you want a book that ends with no conclusion but a mildly happy ending, then this is your book. It isn't that there is no ending, it is more that you're left with more questions than you have answers. I mean, hell, this girl is murdered, and then she falls back to earth and into the body of the girl her soul brushed on it's way from her body? WTF? It went from more of a normal story to infinity and beyond so to speak. I enjoyed the writing style, but found myself distracted and ready to skip through inconsequential paragraphs to get to the next page. If that makes sense. I'm not so sure I love this book, but it is an interesting take on something I hadn't thought much about. I do like that the whole idea is based around this girl trying to find herself in heaven. The theme pops out a little before half way, "the dead have to let go of the living before the living can move on."
I wish the author had written more about the perspective of the small younger brother of the murdered girl. I mean, the view of a child is much more interesting in a story like this. I felt this book was missing something. It was missing real details about some of the more major characters. The whole idea of some of the things which happen are...odd. A mother just up and leaves her 4 year old and her older daughter? Really. She completely leaves, drives across the country, and works at a winery. We don't get into her perspective -- we just treat her as the villain for leaving, and that isn't what she was.
I feel like this could have been better explained. We never really get Suzie's perspective of heaven, and the mystery of her death is never really resolved... I felt like there was so much more which should have happened.

Overall the book gets a C- from me. There was much more this could have done, and though it made me think a lot, I don't necessarily love the way it was written and the way it ended. It was a good idea but not as well produced as it could have been.

That is it on this one. Coming soon -- a list of books I have sitting on my desk ready to be read...and much more.

~M

Here we go...

Well, "The Lovely Bones" continues and I have to say that it is quite interesting. I'm still not quite sure what to make of it. The main character is Omnipotent and right now I feel as though this leaves me very little to work with. Basically, this is the story of the family's coping. It is quite weird. I feel like the author has just found a different way to write of the story of a family who has lost a daughter to murder. I mean, there doesn't seem to be much special about this book right now. I've read varying review of it lately, and some say wonderful and others say it sucks. There aren't too many in-between reviews. I cannot imagine what else is going to be happening in this story. The family is falling apart, and the dead daughter is just watching it from heaven. Her heaven is very strange. It is almost a high school structure, with no structure. It is very very strange. She doesn't have to go to class, but she is stuck there. She has a gazebo where she sits, and she watches the lives below her fall apart. It is getting to a point where she doesn't want to watch anymore. They say, that first the dead must let go of the living, before the living can let go of the dead.

Otherwise, I'm getting up at 3 to go watch a meteor shower, and then I'm going back to bed. So, enough for now. I'm on chapter 13 of this book, and there is much more to go.

~M

New Book Time

Welcome back my friends, to the wandering mind which never ceases, even to sleep. It has been a long few days of rain and I find myself introspective today. It has been weeks since everything major has happened, and I’m settling back into the ever-changing life that was mine before and is still after. What comes next I’m not really sure. So, from here it will be day to day of searching for a new job, no matter where that search takes me, as long as it isn’t the coast of California . Haha.

I’m starting to blog about some books again and right now the book of choice is a rather deep semi crazy book The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. This book was just released at the end of last month and I haven’t heard too many critiques of it so far. I’m pretty thrilled to be reading this book. It caught my eye at Costco the other day and I didn’t buy it, and then today, I managed to forget everything I’d planned to bring to work, so I headed to Borders Express and this book, yet again, caught my eye. I only have to be told twice. I’ve picked it up and read the first two chapters. They leave me feeling as though I need to deeply exhale. The weight of the words in this book is enormous. Here is the back cover expose on the book. A quite interesting read so far, I would recommend it to readers, but, it has only been two chapters. I’m already aching to read more about what is happening in this story.

Back Cover:

“My name was Salmon, like the fish; first name, Suzie. I was fourteen when I was murdered on December 6, 1973.”

            So begins the story of Suzie Salmon, who is adjusting to her new home in heaven, a place that is not at all what she expected, even as she is watching life on earth continue without her—her friends trading rumors about her disappearance, her killer trying to cover his tracks, her grief-stricken family unraveling.

            Out of unspeakable tragedy and loss, The Lovely Bones succeeds, miraculously, in building a tale filled with hope, humor, suspense, even joy.

That is it, for now. I’m heading into chapter three. I’ll let you know how it goes. When this one is finished there are ten others awaiting reading and review. I kinda feel like I’m back in English lit classes at school. Yay book reports. Can you imagine? I’m actually missing doing class work and book reviews. I’ve always loved writing about what I’m reading, and now I’m combining it with a journal that I’ve recently created to just write day to day. I’ll upload some of the entries from the last journal (deleted) on Jodi Picoult, who is a MUST READ author – well, most of her books are must reads. Some are…don’t waste your time reads… So, here we go… adventure time. So many books, so little time. I’m really looking forward to a lot of books, Perhaps tonight I’ll make a list of the ones I need to read and why I’m reading them. I’ll try and put them in some semblance of reading order!

Till then,

~M

Rainy Weekend Ponderings...

The Greeks believed that once there were not male and no female, that all souls were one. That there were bodies with four arms and four legs, and two heads and one soul. Then, the souls were torn apart, male and female were created. The Greeks thought that when you found the other half of your soul, your soul mate, that it would be your perfect match and perfect lover. But I think that if you find your other half, you would be too much alike to be lovers, but you would still be soul mates.

I want the dreams to stop. I want to stop thinking, "oh a text, I wonder if it is Joe." I want that to go away. Please. I don't need to want to talk to him, to need to feel him around. I tried leaving a message on his aim, and he either didn't get it, or didn't care. Whatever. I can't deal with this shit. Sometimes it hurts more than others, but right now, it really just sucks. A couple days ago it was really bad, but right now it is getting a little better day by day... Argh.

Seulement

Seulement. Alone. It sounds much less desolate in French. I wish, that I felt less desolate about being alone.  Right now, there is nothing less desolate about it right now. I'm jaded? Yeah, I'm jaded. I'm angry. I'm hurt, and I'm alone. I guess that is just how it goes. I miss Joe, but I'm feeling better as these days just keep going on and on and on. There isn't much I can do, I guess. I mean, I feel like I threw myself under the preverbal bus, or tractor trailer. I always thought that, as long as I wasn't getting emotionally screwed by him, it was the best thing that had ever happened to me. But, perhaps I've always looked at this the wrong way. I can't imagine that things could actually be good. there is too much past, too much history.

Tonight, Tonight sucks.

I have good nights and bad nights. Last night was a bad night, and tonight will probably be a very bad night for someone I care a lot about. But, I don't feel like writing it right now. Perhaps I'll have the breakdown later...

Hrm, life, life, life... What the hell

Well, I think what the hell sums it up pretty well. What the freaking hell is going on these days? I'm still dealing with my shit, and the crazy freaking dreams are not helping.  I had another one a few days ago. There have been two, completely un-related dreams in the last week.
Dream 1:
A friend of mine had told me about some issues that he was having with is latest business deal. It wasn't going all that well, and, it seems to me that he needed some guidance. Well, he got it all right, right through me. Jason is pretty damn religious, and I woke up after my dream knowing that I HAD (no question) to talk to him about what I'd seen in my dream. The message was, "she's not important to your plan, she would have blown it all in the future. Go on anyway, you'll make it without her. Have faith." That was an interesting dream. After that one came the more disturbing one.
Dream 2:
I still don't like the new 'no eyebrow' trend which is popping up in pop art as well as high end fashion. I never liked it before, and I don't like it now. The dream I had was very scary. Joe was in it, as we all well know he went through a phase when he had no eyebrows. I guess he was easy to picture that way. We were having a conversation and it was aggressive and passive at turns, but the difference between the two was whether or not he had eyebrows. Towards the end of the dream he was in my face and the eyebrows were gone and he was looking at me in a way I can't even begin to explain. Threatening, and sad at the same time. It was really strange. It left me feeling rather disconcerted through the whole thing. I wasn't happy when I woke up, but, I mean, what a freaking strange dream. I don't like dreaming about Joe, but I have had them on and off for years, especially when I'm feeling sad, depressed, or lonely. I guess that is just how it goes. The dreams are either great and happy and whatever, or they are traumatizing and stressful. They make me remember a past I don't need to remember, and I don't want to remember anymore.
There isn't hope there anymore. No matter what happens next, there isn't anything left. I'm not even left her anymore. Maybe I didn't go to California, but I'm still here, and I may be heading somewhere else. I just need to. I can't play these games anymore. Maybe it is time to work hard core over Christmas, make a killing, quit and go travel the way I've wanted to for years. maybe I won't come back after all. There isn't too much left for me somedays, and these days are no exception. I love my friends, and my family, but I need more than that in my life right now. I don't want bullshit and games anymore. I'm ready and yearning to be in a 'normal' relationship. I can't deal with things falling through anymore. It is killing me, and I will not play these games again.

So, outside of my life, this has been an interesting week for a few of my friends. Anne is having trouble with her boy. They've been dating for months now and suddenly, within the span of two weeks, his communication which used to be every day has fallen away to once and a while, and now nothing. He seems to be gone completely. Anne noticed a few weeks ago that the conversations were not what they used to be, and things seemed strained or stressed. I know that feeling. Now, two weeks later, he is awol and completely out of touch. He used to talk to her a couple times a day, and now he's gone completely. She's so upset and hurt. Unfortunately, I know how she feels, and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't make her feel better.
Peter basically dropped off the face of the earth. It was such a dick move. I had never thought that my friends would have to go through the same things I did. It hurt so much, like a hole had been ripped through me. It hurts a little less each and each consecutive time. But, why go back for more? Well, like Anne has said, if Peter comes back, she'd go back with him, and he'd most likely pull the same thing again. Why is that? Joe comes in and out of my life and I'm a freaking mess, but I don't want to be that anymore. At least now I know. At least now I know what I do and don't want to do anymore. Playing games is not my forte.
Anne now has to deal with everything which has fallen on her plate. I remember the way I felt and I cannot help her feel the way I've come to feel now. Everything is raw and it is painful. I'm sorry for her, because I never want anyone else to feel the way I have when someone disappears out of your life. It is scary, and it is painful. You're left with questions which are most likely never answered. I though I was the only one who had this issue with guys. Or with a guy...as the case may be.

What fun.
I think that is it for the night.
<3
~M

The Dating Scene

Throwing yourself into the dating scene isn't easy, apparently. I can meet multiple people and not get anything from any of them. *shrugs* I haven't met someone who has turned my head in quite a while. I guess maybe I'm picky. I'm done being wrapped up in this crap with Joe. It tears me down all the time. I really just don't like feeling this way. I want to be doing something more and getting somewhere else rather than waiting to see what else happens. I'm so over and done.
I guess I just have to wait and see what happens. I mean, I need someone who doesn't take themselves so seriously. I need to find these fun people from MLIA. It just needs to happen sometimes.
I've begun writing again. Letters, notes, and such for fun. I've been thinking very heavily about writing that novel which has been in my head for so long. I think it is about time I made major headway into the things I've written and those that I long to write. Someday, maybe, I'll see my name on that best sellers list and then we'll see who remembers the girl who always used to talk about wanting to be published... One can only hope. Who will remember, and who will have forgotten.

Well, that is it for now, still kinda down and doing my best to re-surface.

~M

Tonight...

So I'm thinking maybe a thought dump every day isn't such a bad thing. I think about a lot of things which are way too deep to bother keeping in my head. I can't handle the things that bounce through my brain on a daily basis sometimes. It is really hard to deal with. I think about a ton of things and it doesn't settle with me well.
I'm tired of boys taking advantage of me and my friends. I'm sick of hearing my friends upset because guys are dicks to them. I don't like that they end up feeling the ass when it is the guy yelling at them and telling them that they didn't do enough. I'm really fed up with it. I don't like the way these things are panning out, and unfortunately, short of screening every person who someone dates, (which isn't possible anyway), there is just nothing I can do for them to help lessen the pain of what these guys do.
Deep down, all we girls really want is someone who loves us. We're pretty easy. These days we don't really care what your job is, and we don't really care about anything as long as you're in love with us. We want to feel loved, and secure. We want to feel as though, if given the choice, you would always choose us. We want to feel this way because it is the way we feel about you. That is the thing. Maybe you guys don't realize it, but, we think that way. That is what we want, at all times. We want to be loved and held at night. It comes down to the feeling of your arms around us...while we snuggle in to sleep.
We want a lot of things, and I'm pretty sure when it comes down to it, that guys want the same things. I hope they do. And someday, I hope I meet a guy who can actually verbalize that rather than just taking his shit out on me. I"m sick of it. If you want something, just say it. If you feel something, just say it. I'm not going to freak out because you say Love, or anything else. I just want to know what it is you feel so I don't feel as though I'm always in the dark.
Maybe that is just too much to ask. For the time being, I'll deal with being alone, cause I hurt too much when I get together with him. I can't imagine someone else out there who could cut me this deep and make me love him this much. It hurts, it sucks, but it has to move on someday.

Done done done...
~M

Ponder ... Ponder

Is it a female thing to think that you’re destined for someone? Honestly, how many guys do you meet who will sit there and say that they think they are destined for someone. Maybe you’ll hear it when they’re taking their vows either to god or to their soon to be wife. But honestly, how many guys run around thinking that they’re destined to be with a girl who they’ve met? How many guys mourn a girlfriend leaving, or mourn dumping a girlfriend because they honestly thought they were in *gasp* love with this girl. Love is such a thrown around word, but there is more to love than just saying that four letter word. Some people cannot say it, and I for one agree with them. How do you decide who you love? Shouldn’t it really mean something to say “I love you?” I’ve only met once upon a time, a guy who I thought I was in love with. Pity to me that I didn’t realize it at the time. But as you know, life does not come with do overs, or if it does, please someone tell me where to go to get one!

I’m beginning to think that there is a really big gap here between women thinking that things are ‘meant to be’ and guys running away from women who think that way. That, or the guys just don’t understand at all why we’re hurting when they’re gone. Yeah, they move on fast, but we don’t move on as fast from men who we think or we thought we were meant to be with. Sometimes I find that guys are just not sensitive to the way we’re feeling when they break our hearts. Maybe we put more stock in being happy with someone, but it is still a conundrum to try and figure out why our emotions so drastically differ from those of men.

Finding the one who is ‘meant to be’ is not a way of saying that women sit down and just decide that the guy they’re with is the guy for them. There are a lot of factors which play into real women beginning to think that they’ve found their ideal match. It isn’t about the amount of time you were dating, but it is about the feeling that is there. Said or unsaid I think that people run into their match because of the feelings that it creates. I think even in our subconscious we know when we’ve met someone who matches us on even more than the normal ‘I like you’ plane. Yes, lust, sex, and hunger are part of that, but there is so much more to knowing that you’re meant to be with someone. There is often electricity that you cannot see, but can feel. And I’ve come across couples before who weren’t together but were meant to be, and the tension between them in the room was palpable.

It is about the way you felt when you first met. It doesn’t have to be fireworks, but there is something in the pull of his voice, or what he said, or how he said it. There is something in the way you want to be together, even when there are other things going on. It is about tackling challenges, willingly, together because you want to do things with the other person. It is liking the same ice cream or grabbing the same bowl before adding all the same toppings. It is finishing each others sentences before you’ve known him a week. It is about being able and understanding. It is about feeling as though you could tell him anything at all and he wouldn’t judge you for it. It is about that first kiss, where you remember it always, and it is about the way you feel when he is not there anymore. It is so much more than words can capture.

It is about knowing he is upset before you see him. It is about being able to dream of him the way he dreams about you. It is about feeling him when he isn’t there. It is about always being happier when he is around. It is about just feeling that everything is right when he is there, and you’re in his arms. It is about not having to do anything in particular, but being able to just ‘be’ around each other. When you’re content because you’re in the same room, same town, same school. ETC.

It is about thinking he is perfect even when your rational mind says, wait, really? It is about thinking that he could change and you’d still love him the same way. It is about realizing that you base the idea of ‘love’ off the way you feel for him. It is about knowing that you couldn’t care less about bad habits or a little extra weight, even if it bothers him. It is about wanting him and accepting him the way he is. Completely. It is about knowing that you like your laughter more when he is around. It is about being absolutely certain that even talking about a future feels completely right.

I’ve begun to think, after my last disaster of a try at a ‘relationship’ (if you can dare to call it that), that guys in general don’t think the same way about their ‘match’ as girls do. You could chalk it up to us female types being more emotional, but I don’t think that is it. I have met plenty of emotional men in my life, and this just doesn’t qualify. Could it be that men do not say it as much as we do? I still think we’re meant to be doesn’t tend to come out of their mouths. “I don’t want to settle for being friends.” Means a lot coming from a guy, but why not just say, “I think there is something here, and I want to hash it out until we figure it out?” how hard is that? Girls have to so heavily read into anything guys say that we’re left in this fantastic maze where we aren’t sure what to say or what to do to keep these amazing guys in our lives for a longer amount of time. Don’t get me wrong, not all girls think this way, and maybe I’m just a rarity. But, seriously, we don’t want every guy we meet to be the ‘one’. There are a bunch of us who have already met that guy and not one other soul we meet can compare.

I worry about that sometimes. Thinking I’ve already met him. What more is there? There are various sayings about how love strikes twice: Once so you can know the price, and once (as Allison Krauss wrote) for crazy faith. Is it crazy? I don’t think so. I think we meet the one and I think that not all of us are mature enough, old enough, our sensible enough to know it when it happens. It turns into hell on wheels to be dealing with something like that. But the thing is, how do ‘normal’ guys measure up to these men we’ve fallen for thinking they’re the ones we are meant to be with?

I think once we’ve found our match we measure every other guy we meet against who and what he is, and how he makes us feel. I think that most of the time the guys we meet after don’t even come close, and some of us settle. I am not a settler. I can’t do it. I want to fight, but don’t know how. So instead I’m here pondering the ways that this could be different from the other side.

You see, even though I feel him all the time, I cannot get a crack of the way he feels about me. He has said a few things, and told me once that he loved me, what feels like ages ago. And though I long to hear it again, I am just not sure I ever will. I am not sure I’ll be able to ever tell him that I love him, even if it took me years to figure out. I just don’t know. There is no magic decoder for the way guys feel about you. I only know one side of this stupid male/female code shit, and I wish more than anything that I could just know, just once, how he feels. But it isn’t meant to be and I doubt it will happen. But it leaves me feeling as though I’m strange or weird for thinking that we’re still meant to be, even after everything. Even after all the same shit has happened over and over and over again. It still leaves me thinking that I’d rather be with him than anyone else. And it leaves me heartbroken to know that it is broken. There is no fixing this I don’t think, we’re too far lost in what we’re not saying. Even though it is the words we both need to hear. I would do anything. But, I think that is just the me part of things.

*shrugs* okay, that made my brain hurt. Time to actually pretend like I’m getting work done at work :-/

~M

PostSecret

Couldn't mean more if I'd written it myself. Thank you heart, for completely screwing with my life. I can't find a happy medium without him. Just freaking great.

Well...

Hrm, so I sent my letter of 'non acceptance' to California. I just can't see myself there, and I'm disappointed that things did not turn out perfectly. I wish it had. It would have been so good to get away and start over somewhere else. I just cannot fathom dealing with things out there -- so freaking far away from everything in both distance and demeanor. Veronica -- the 23 yr old who worked there, texted me today that she would in fact be thinking about a room-mate if I was still thinking about heading out there. I have to tell her that I'm not heading out there.

Still pretty bummed about things with Joe. I don't know what to do. I left him an IM he didn't respond. I don't know what else to do... we agreed that we didn't want to settle for being friends (a few weeks ago) -- and now we're less than even that...so I just don't know. Right now, it hurts, and I have to try not to get my hopes up. I joined up a few places to try and meet more people...we'll see how that goes.

that is all folks,
~M

I <3 Angela

So, a little background here. I've been back from California for about three days now. I really don't want to talk about it. hahaha. It wasn't great, and it wasn't terrible. I am not moving. There is a lot more for me on the East coast, and I really didn't feel at home by the sea in California. They also didn't really offer me enough money to get out there. So, I'm staying, for the time being. I'm actually considering moving to Philadelphia with Katy if she gets a place out there to live and work. I'm not really worried about finding a job, I can manage. We'd have a good time, and Phili has a lot of disk and people my age. Right now that is where I'm not getting anywhere, which brings me to the conversation Angela and I had on my way home from work today...

Angela is having a few issues with boys she's finding around TN. I'm not surprised these days, as the boys I've come across are just as inconsistent as the ones she is coming across. She is in a similar state of affairs as I am with Joe. We are in some sort of 'relationship' with guys who do not seem to appreciate us. They are there when they care to be, and gone when they want to be. We are left waiting, staring at screens wondering if they will decide that they want something to do with us for the time. Now, that isn't necessarily the way it needs to work, and I'm not saying it is right. But, we are two girls who are very used to men/boys leaving. We are used to them getting tired of us and moving on without saying anything. We are afraid each day to the next that our boy has decided this day he doesn't want anything to do with us. So yes, we try and start conversations occasionally, but we are very sensitive to the way the conversation goes. We worry all the time that they will kick us to the curb so easily.
We don't know how to start a conversation when we know we want to talk to them, want to talk to them all the time. We don't want to seem clingy, or pushy. We don't want to give them a reason to turn away, again. We don't know what to do, because we haven't ever kept a guy around long enough to know what works.
We're confident, and we're insecure. We're unhappy, and we are in love. We just don't know what we have to do to make things right. We want these guys in our lives, but we are left sitting, waiting, not knowing what they really think. We are so careful to do nothing wrong that we kill the whole idea of our 'relationships'. We're smart, we're talented, we're beautiful. But we think we're always doing something wrong. We're insecure, and we're unhappy, and we're unsure of ourselves. We can't figure out what it is that we have to do to make things right. We are angry, disappointed, we're lonely. We don't understand. We feel like we're in the middle of playing games. We don't like being left stranded, and we hate being alone at the end of such hard work for us.
We're trying to be the girls that our guys want. We're doing out best to keep these guys in our lives, but we've lost, or we're losing. I don't know what to do anymore. I want Joe in my life. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. Maybe he doesn't get the messages I leave or left on his Aim. He says I'm not trying. I'm trying not to be clingy, to say the right thing, to not let him have a doubt about wanting me in his life. I'm insecure about it damn it. I don't know what is 'right' to do. I would talk to him all day every day if I could. That is just how I feel. I come across things I want to show him, things I want to tell him about. But, right now, I'm just not sure he wants anything to do with me. And I did that, partially, the same way he did.
And it isn't just our choices which are getting to us. We are trying to keep guys who don't communicate. Guys who are probably as insecure as we are. Guys who wait for us to make a move, wait for us to tell them what we feel and what we want. We wait, and they wait. They vanish or they fall out of touch and it hurts us. They appear not to realize that what they do and say really hurts us. They don't really watch what they say, and, they don't realize what we are hurting when they're not around. They don't realize that we're insecure, and that what we really want is them. It doesn't matter what they think of themselves. We chose them. I chose Joe because of who he is. He isn't perfect, and neither am I. I don't expect him to be, and I don't want to change him. I just want him in my life. He's in my dreams, in my thoughts, in my heart. I want to tell him I love him. But, perhaps now that cannot really be said. Maybe it is too late -- to late to heal.
It drives me crazy that I feel as though he fades out. I don't know why it feels that way, but it does. We talk less. We don't talk about anything 'deep' like we used to. We both do it, as though we reach a point where we have to end it or really go forwards. It kills me that he does this. It breaks my heart, or what is left of it. I really thought we were getting somewhere this time. I really thought that five months was something to be pretty proud of, since we hadn't managed to keep in touch that much ever before. What the heck happened? What is going on?
We spend so much time being afraid of doing something wrong which will make them drop us, that we don't ask the important questions. We don't push where we need to push, because we are afraid that they'd rather leave than push back and show us that they care about us. We don't know what to do anymore. There are plenty of guys, yes, but the right ones are so hard to find -- so few and far between.
There are other guys who want to be in my life. But I don't 'feel' them. I don't know what it is about Joe. It is undeniable that we have some spark -- some something which makes us want to be with the other -- but, I'm just not so sure about what the heck is going on sometimes. I wish so hard to forget. But I can't. So what now? Where do Angela and I go from here? How do we spell it out? How do we make sure that we are who we are with these boys? How do we make sure we don't lose the one who really counts?

that is it for the night....
~M