Ready to escape

It is so hard to be with and around someone who you know doesn't love you. A couple days after Joe walked out of my life again my mother said to me "Just because you care for someone does not mean that you can help them." Oh how wise my mother has always been. That was at the root of the problem, because I couldn't change Joe from what he was/is to something and someone I knew he could be. It wasn't my job, and frankly, it wasn't fair for him to make the assumption that he did not have to try to be in a relationship with me. I disagree with antyhing and everything that happened in that relationship over the many years it was in action. I guess there isn't anything else for me to do but get away. I'm awaiting job offers from some major people, and hopefully, one of them will take me away from him and away from here. I look forward to it -- and once I'm gone. I'm gone. There is no going back.

I know that most people will never get it, but I'm okay at the moment, though I cried last night. Sometimes you need the tears and time to settle your life and regulate who and what you really are. Sometimes, you just need it. I'm getting there -- though feeling lonely and alienated. I guess that is just how it goes sometimes. I took a chance and I'm not bulletproof. He shot me down and hit vital parts of me I thought I had protected from him. I guess not. But, I'll heal, as all wounded seem to. The scars will stay on the inside and I will learn to find myself being okay just being me. That is what I want more than ever... well, that and being able to go back four months and never start this whole damn buisness with Joe again. But, unfortuantely, I do not have a time machine. That is just how my life works. I guess I will do my best to move on and just see where life decides to take me. So wind, carry me away.

 "Remembrance of things past is not necessarily the remembrance of things as they were." Marcela Proust

I tend to whole-heartedly love quotes of all kinds, and lately, they sit much better with me. I am constantly looking for meaning to what is and has happened in my life. It is hard, to be unsure of yourself. And it is hard to be unsure of who you are and what you have in your life. I have my family and my friends. I have my job, which I like, and prospects for a job, which I could come to really love – and stay with for years. But, I feel self conscious and unsure of myself these days. I don’t feel particularly like myself, and I do not feel as though I’m attractive right now. Hopefully this too will pass like the seconds of our lives which tick away with wild abandon. I, too, long for heartbreak to lose it's meaning, because without meaning, I do not believe that it could cause the pain it causes for me every day. I hate jealousy, and I hate feeling it. Maybe if I repeat it to myself oft enough I'll manage to make it have no meaning to me. I'm willing to work at it, so bring it on. 

Heartbreak, heartbreak, heartbreak. Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy... be gone.

1. I happen to think that the following is also quite true. I do not believe that staying and waking up next to him, worrying about what the day would bring would help me at all. I don't need the pain, the fear, or the anxiety which he constantly brought into my life. I know this, so why can't my brain get it through to my heart that this isn't going to happen -- and it isn't going to ever be something which is good for me. I'll never be okay with him and even if something happened again with him, I'd never be able to stop worrying and I'd never be able to trust him. I hope that if this job comes through and I can leave this place someday that I'll be able to leave him completely in my dust. If I leave this state and he has done nothing to try and remain friends and breach the gap he created between us, I will never speak with him again. I don't feel bothered by that resolution.

1. Here is to finally figuring out how to live.

What I can't wait for is my life to have a love in it which makes me forget about everything and the past. He will be my friend and my lover. He will be everything to me and never treat me the way Joe did. I am now, more than ever, willing to wait for the right person to come along. I know Joe will be back -- he always comes back. But I think this time I'll be strong enough to punch him in the face and walk the other way. Cause, I can't and wont do this again. Two major tries, and a bunch of little ones thrown in along the way. You don't get that many chances with me, and  I will never put myself in the situation where he can make me feel awful abuot myself again. I just won't do it again. I can only have so much self-doubt in my life, and that is all he brings to me now -- whether I loved him once, or not.

He isn't the one for me.

So I'll wait

Unitl I can clearly see,

The way my life should be.

That is what I want. ^^^ A love which bewilders, and surprises. A love which I never once question and never once let leave my mind. Eyes wide open, and kisses with them shut. I'll always remember to stand up for myself. I won't have another horrendous shot at being in love or even 'in like' with anyone. I settled for Joe, and I"ll never settle like that again. I let him treat me in a way I would never accept from anyone else, so why was it acceptable for him to treat me that way? I have to figure that out sometime, because the answer wasn't because he was the right guy for me. He was wrong in so many more ways than one. So... I need to figure out how to get my self-confidence back, and then I'll try and figure out how to move on with my life from here.

<3 Em