Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
The Time Traveler's Wife
So I just finished reading: The Time Traceler's Wife
I found this book to be rather interesting in the long run. I enjoyed reading the twists and turns of when he knew about things and when he didn't. I loved the way the author wove the words together. I guess there was just something about the way she made just about every reference and metaphor accessible to everyone who read the book. The things she wrote about and the way she wrote them in were just fantastic. I loved her little jaunts into the tangents of society and the way that she worked herself into the overall piece by using almost present day scenarios to make things have a bit more familiarity. I really enjoyed it so I would have to say that it does need to be added to your reading list if it hasn't already been read!
The next book I plan on starting tomorrow: The Caligrapher's Daughter
I found this book to be rather interesting in the long run. I enjoyed reading the twists and turns of when he knew about things and when he didn't. I loved the way the author wove the words together. I guess there was just something about the way she made just about every reference and metaphor accessible to everyone who read the book. The things she wrote about and the way she wrote them in were just fantastic. I loved her little jaunts into the tangents of society and the way that she worked herself into the overall piece by using almost present day scenarios to make things have a bit more familiarity. I really enjoyed it so I would have to say that it does need to be added to your reading list if it hasn't already been read!
The next book I plan on starting tomorrow: The Caligrapher's Daughter
This book starts with the first few chapters about a Chinese girl who realizes that she does not have a name, and only just comes to think that it is an odd thing because of what others say. I've only gotten a few chapters in (while reading at a Borders @ a mall before dinner). I can't wait to see how this one goes.
I read a book a little while back, about a paper maker's daughter, but I don't think that was the title, or that the two books are conencted... I'm not sure what the title was, but I'll write a review of it when I remember it... Now, on to reading and such...
Communication and Negotiations
Well, what to write now. I feel that I've been writing more lately, and that is an interesting thing with me. When I'm with Joe, I don't always feel the need or have the motivation to write. I used to just be stressed when he was around and I think that drastically kinked my free flowing ability to wordsmith as he calls it. I guess that is just how it worked out. I spent too much time thinking and worrying about him instead of bothering to begin writing and keep putting things down into words.
Looking back at my journals and my writing, there is a bit of a drastic fall-off when we begin talking again. I write a few entries about the new situation and then continue to write for maybe a week before my writing just falls off all together, that is, all together until he leaves again and I'm back into my head and the words are fair pouring out my ears faster than I can write them down. How does that work out? Not terribly well, but they all escape at some point and then they let me sleep. Wow, that sounds like the rambling of a crazy person! I donno, it really is kinda weird sometimes that when he is around I don't want to write.
This time, however, it is rather different. I haven't lost the words here, haven't lose the will and the drive to write, even though I feel that I am a little unsure of what to write sometimes.... what fun.
So, to continue on the actual update, as the title indicates, there has been an interesting amount of things going on around here. I am currently writing from Joe's couch... Just found out that the interview I came up for has been delayed from Monday to Wednesday. Not the worst thing ever, but it keeps me away from home for more time than I'd planned. That is probably good for me. As much as I love being at 'home' it is high time I wasn't anymore. I just hope everything pans out and I can get on with my life moving forward.
Forward, with and to Joe, that is. We talked, a bunch last night. I guess he feels sometimes that I'm not saying the things which I'm thinking. The only thing I'd not told him was that I loved him, and apparently, that was figured out anyway. I felt, and talked to him about, why I am here with him. He says, sometimes that he doesn't know why I'm here, why I gave him the chances, again and again. He regrets the way he treated me, though I'll always argue that we couldn't force what wasn't going to work. And, it wasn't like he was mean to me, or cheated on me, it really was that he just couldn't be there with me. We both had growing up to do, and though I had less, or grew up faster, I never really had qualms waiting.
Well, maybe I did have times when I wanted to have someone else in my life so badly that I got someone else there. I mean, I dated, just nothing terribly serious. I didn't find what I was looking for. He asked me last night if I though I cared about him because for some many years he didn't like me -- and acted as though he didn't like me. I had never thought about it that way, never wanted him because he was the person I couldn't have. It wasn't ever like that, though I can see that it might have seemed that way from time to time. I guess that is just how it works out sometimes.
I guess that is just how it works for some girls. They do want the people that they cannot have. But, that was never the desire behind why I still cared about him, and I only admitted these feelings much later. I knew that I missed him. I tried to tell myself that I missed the idea of him, that I missed the idea of having someone who cared about you and was so bonded with you... But, those ended rather quickly and that was just how it went. I tried for years not to care, and I did a pretty damn good job of it for a long time. But when we re-connected senior year in college, it was just something which was still there and something which i couldn't disagree with anymore. Too bad -- sometimes you just have to give up and stop fighting things. It just works that way from time to time.... I guess when things were still there for me senir year, I just stopped fighting everything and took what I could get. I was okay with us being friends, as hard as it was sometimes to do that.... But, it worked out.
So, we talked, and we talked about anything which came up. It was good to have a nice long talk. I miss doing that, though we tend to when something bothers us. Hopefully we can continue this communication. I've been really trying to not hold things inside or against him. I have been trying to make myself more clear and trying to msay the things which are on my mind, rather than just holding them inside and away from him. If we are really going to make this work, we have to talk as much as we can and I have to be able to be open and willing to tell him what is going on with me.
I guess sometimes I just expect him to know by the way I act or the things I say, without really saying all of it.... Perhaps he needs to hear it just as much as I do. Funny, we just aren't really sure what is going on sometimes. Maybe we both need a little more assurance than we give one another. We can do that, I know we can. He wants to know more, and I'll figure out a way to make sure that it happes. That is the way these things work...
There were other things going on, and other things we talked about. I guess the only other thing I didn't say was that I think that I might be realizing that I am allergice to latex... this aught to be a fun thing to figure out... welcome to the fml of my life at the moment. Well, I'll figure it out, just like I've figured everything out before.
I guess that is the run down... more later when I've got some more time to write -- which will probably be quite a bit as this week progresses...I have another story idea, so I think that I'll be working on that this week too... Good thing I brought my pens and my books... I'll be using them a bunch -- I do believe...
Looking back at my journals and my writing, there is a bit of a drastic fall-off when we begin talking again. I write a few entries about the new situation and then continue to write for maybe a week before my writing just falls off all together, that is, all together until he leaves again and I'm back into my head and the words are fair pouring out my ears faster than I can write them down. How does that work out? Not terribly well, but they all escape at some point and then they let me sleep. Wow, that sounds like the rambling of a crazy person! I donno, it really is kinda weird sometimes that when he is around I don't want to write.
This time, however, it is rather different. I haven't lost the words here, haven't lose the will and the drive to write, even though I feel that I am a little unsure of what to write sometimes.... what fun.
So, to continue on the actual update, as the title indicates, there has been an interesting amount of things going on around here. I am currently writing from Joe's couch... Just found out that the interview I came up for has been delayed from Monday to Wednesday. Not the worst thing ever, but it keeps me away from home for more time than I'd planned. That is probably good for me. As much as I love being at 'home' it is high time I wasn't anymore. I just hope everything pans out and I can get on with my life moving forward.
Forward, with and to Joe, that is. We talked, a bunch last night. I guess he feels sometimes that I'm not saying the things which I'm thinking. The only thing I'd not told him was that I loved him, and apparently, that was figured out anyway. I felt, and talked to him about, why I am here with him. He says, sometimes that he doesn't know why I'm here, why I gave him the chances, again and again. He regrets the way he treated me, though I'll always argue that we couldn't force what wasn't going to work. And, it wasn't like he was mean to me, or cheated on me, it really was that he just couldn't be there with me. We both had growing up to do, and though I had less, or grew up faster, I never really had qualms waiting.
Well, maybe I did have times when I wanted to have someone else in my life so badly that I got someone else there. I mean, I dated, just nothing terribly serious. I didn't find what I was looking for. He asked me last night if I though I cared about him because for some many years he didn't like me -- and acted as though he didn't like me. I had never thought about it that way, never wanted him because he was the person I couldn't have. It wasn't ever like that, though I can see that it might have seemed that way from time to time. I guess that is just how it works out sometimes.
I guess that is just how it works for some girls. They do want the people that they cannot have. But, that was never the desire behind why I still cared about him, and I only admitted these feelings much later. I knew that I missed him. I tried to tell myself that I missed the idea of him, that I missed the idea of having someone who cared about you and was so bonded with you... But, those ended rather quickly and that was just how it went. I tried for years not to care, and I did a pretty damn good job of it for a long time. But when we re-connected senior year in college, it was just something which was still there and something which i couldn't disagree with anymore. Too bad -- sometimes you just have to give up and stop fighting things. It just works that way from time to time.... I guess when things were still there for me senir year, I just stopped fighting everything and took what I could get. I was okay with us being friends, as hard as it was sometimes to do that.... But, it worked out.
So, we talked, and we talked about anything which came up. It was good to have a nice long talk. I miss doing that, though we tend to when something bothers us. Hopefully we can continue this communication. I've been really trying to not hold things inside or against him. I have been trying to make myself more clear and trying to msay the things which are on my mind, rather than just holding them inside and away from him. If we are really going to make this work, we have to talk as much as we can and I have to be able to be open and willing to tell him what is going on with me.
I guess sometimes I just expect him to know by the way I act or the things I say, without really saying all of it.... Perhaps he needs to hear it just as much as I do. Funny, we just aren't really sure what is going on sometimes. Maybe we both need a little more assurance than we give one another. We can do that, I know we can. He wants to know more, and I'll figure out a way to make sure that it happes. That is the way these things work...
There were other things going on, and other things we talked about. I guess the only other thing I didn't say was that I think that I might be realizing that I am allergice to latex... this aught to be a fun thing to figure out... welcome to the fml of my life at the moment. Well, I'll figure it out, just like I've figured everything out before.
I guess that is the run down... more later when I've got some more time to write -- which will probably be quite a bit as this week progresses...I have another story idea, so I think that I'll be working on that this week too... Good thing I brought my pens and my books... I'll be using them a bunch -- I do believe...
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Hormones and Pot
This week has been a tough one for me. Between the drop in hormones, cramps, and migraines, I've been very unhappy. Reduced to tears at most moments of deep thought I've gravitated into a place where I'm thinking overmuch about things and stressing out more than I really want to. It doesn't mean that I'm emotional and cannot think straight, but that I think more about the negatives than the positivees in my life. There are going to be stressers either way you look at life, but in particular when I get good and stressed and have my hormones going crazy, it doesn't yield good things. Deep truths and things I don't want to admit, even to myself come out, and I almost always wish that they would have stayed in the back of my mind where they belonged.
In a more rational mind recently, I find myself happy with the prospect of a new job which I'd rock, and a new place to live with a boy I'm very much in love with. Absolutely crazy how that happens. Such an amazing thing hormones. They so suck. I hate feeling that sad and desparate. I just don't like it. I hate feeling that weakness. I just can't stand that feeling. I hate thinking too much and I hate being worried about where my life is going.
I hate worrying about things going with Joe. I hate being worried that he'll change his mind, or find someone else. He's everything I thought I always wanted, and every hitch is just another worry. I'm worried about losing him before this whole thing has a chance to play out.
Well, off of the hormones and onto the smoking issue. IT is an issue. I believe that it happens too often and I don't love that he picks on me a bit more when he is high than when he is not. He has said multiple times that it won't happen as often if I'm around and living up there... I'm worried, but I have the hopes that this can change. It makes me wonder, sometimes, if I'm not good enough for him to be around sober. I'm sure that is pretty wrong and all, but i can't help that it makes me feel that way sometimes.
Well, end of story for the time being... lots of stuff going on... waiting for MontBlanc interview number 2. Trying to feel wanted, and doing okay with it, but... still having a few rougher days here and there... It is amazing to have him really in my life, and scary at the same time because of the nature of our relationships in the past. I'm doing my best to forget the past, this time is very different (though that has been said so many times i make myself sick wirting it again.) But, for us. This is something else.
Here is to hoping,
~M
I hate worrying about things going with Joe. I hate being worried that he'll change his mind, or find someone else. He's everything I thought I always wanted, and every hitch is just another worry. I'm worried about losing him before this whole thing has a chance to play out.
Well, off of the hormones and onto the smoking issue. IT is an issue. I believe that it happens too often and I don't love that he picks on me a bit more when he is high than when he is not. He has said multiple times that it won't happen as often if I'm around and living up there... I'm worried, but I have the hopes that this can change. It makes me wonder, sometimes, if I'm not good enough for him to be around sober. I'm sure that is pretty wrong and all, but i can't help that it makes me feel that way sometimes.
Well, end of story for the time being... lots of stuff going on... waiting for MontBlanc interview number 2. Trying to feel wanted, and doing okay with it, but... still having a few rougher days here and there... It is amazing to have him really in my life, and scary at the same time because of the nature of our relationships in the past. I'm doing my best to forget the past, this time is very different (though that has been said so many times i make myself sick wirting it again.) But, for us. This is something else.
Here is to hoping,
~M
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