I wish I could draw

IT's bothering me, of late, that I possess absolutely no skill when it comes to drawing. I really really hate that I can see things in my head, but I cannot draw them to save my life. Because, there are days when I would really love to be able to draw what I see, especially when it is a picture which is haunting me. I really wish I could draw. There is just a picture haunting me when I think about Joe.

I walked upstairs at one point, a bit over a month ago, and I looked into Joe's room to see him leaning against his bed, like a drug addict. He was slouched there, holding the lighter in one hand and the bong in another. He gave me a look like he had been caught in the act, but was too high to really register the reaction. He was slouched there, in his hoodie and his sweat pants -- his socks with the holes in the them. He was lounging there, like he was fading out of the scene.
That view of him haunts me. I hate that I think of him that way, but, it isn't so bad to remember him that way because it is so distasteful to me. I don't want to deal with that shit, but the picture of it I cannot get out of my head. It is so sad, and depressing. I just don't like the idea of him like that. It was like watching him falling apart at the seams. I can't stand that I thought that about him, the guy I was supposedly in love with -- the guy I'd just changed my life around for. Maybe that is the point where I realized that he was not who I thought he was -- and maybe I wasn't as in love with him as I'd thought myself for the last years.
I don't know why this picture of him really bothers me so much. I do wish I'd had a picture of it. I cannot draw it, though I can see it quite clearly. Stupid drug addict. That is what I thought when I saw him like that.


I don't know who I am anymore, and I don't know who I am becoming. I'm afraid that he's managed to damage me in some way I'll never be able to recover from. I cannot figure out who I think I am, and I don't know who anyone else things I am. Maybe you can all tell me. Who am I? Who am I becoming?
I'm afraid of who I am becoming, and I'm afraid of finding out that I cannot have a normal relationship because of the six years he has so happily played me through these games. What is there left for me when I'm the issue here. I don't care how many people say it wasn't me, it had to have been something about me, because he has managed to have relationships with other girls. Why not me?
I don't regret what I've done with him, and I look forward to heading into another relationship with my eyes wide open, but what if I cannot have a normal relationship anymore because of him? What if he has 'ruined' me so to speak. I feel neurotic when it comes to guys and relationships. I feel like I have to protect myself from the 'world' so to speak. That shouldn't be the way it is. I also feel a hell of a lot more submissive than I know I am because I've spent six years whiling around waiting on him and his schedule. I don't want it, and I can't take it, but I don't know how to be the me I was before I met him. Can I go back and choose to tell him to get lost when my heart was in my throat. Can I go back and meet these amazing girls in my life and have them talk some sense into me before I did something which would end up haunting me for years. I feel broken, and I cannot just except that I cannot be the person that I used to be.

I saw Joe today. I was hanging out with Lisa, Geoff, and Jimmy. We were chilling and Joe showed up and came in without saying a word to anyone. He just acted pissed at the world. He put his keys down, where he always puts his keys down, and walked upstairs without a word to anyone. He couldn't care if I was living and breathing -- or if anyone else was, for that matter. So, what do I do now... I cannot be friends with him because he obviously has very little intention to stay friends with me, his words before bedammed.
So, what happens now? What do I do? I don't know if I can deal with him screwing around with other girls... How come I feel jealous of that? How is that possible? He's brought me to a place I don't even want to be, to a point where I hate myself, starve myself, and constantly critique myself because I don't know who I am anymore. And I don't know what was so wrong with me that he didn't want to be with me-- that he didn't feel excited to see me -- excited to be with me. I hate him for making me feel this way, but I miss him at the same time. I don't miss dealing with his rudeness and his shit towards other people and the drugs, but why do I miss him so much? It's just not fair. I don't want to miss him.

Anyway... me signing out,
M