So, what it is to be done, over, ending? I wrote the ending to my story a long time ago, and I had thought a few times that by-chance I'd gotten it all wrong. I wasn't wrong. It ended the way I wrote, and suddenly I feel a strong desire to work on my novel and actually finish the damn thing. I wrote the ending so long before he even came back that I may have even doomed things in my own little world. Could I have written the ending before even knowing he'd be back again? Could I have doomed everything because I had already written an ending? Maybe I knew all along that it wouldn't end up working out.
I wrote an ending which wasn't a happy one, and the character did not end up with the person she thought she was supposed to. It was very, very different from everything which should have happened. It began as a love story, and ended twisted through something which shouldn't have happened. Everything was messed up, and nothing made sense, though fate seemed to be pushing in one directon. Eventually, it seemed as though there wasn't anything she could do to stop it, so she went with it. In the end, that wasn't how it was supposed to be. Fairy tales aren't meant to come true in real life. Fate, be damned -- sometimes everything just doesn't work out .

Speaking of fate, at the end of senior year, when Joe came back into my life for the first time in three years, I spent a lot of time thinking about whether or not it was a 'meant to be' type thing, or whether it was just him being lonely cause he'd just broken up with his girlfriend. He hadn't come back into my life yet, and I was trying to figure out if it was going to happen, or if it wasn't.
I was in my room for the afternoon, before going to practice, and was listening to my tv while thinking about the whole situation. I was seeking an answer, I think, about whether or not my life was meant to be involved with him, or whether it was meant to fall to the wayside and be passed through to the history of my life. I remember flipping through channels which I didn't get to get to one I did and hearing a voice through the black screen say "Don't worry, everything will be just fine. Things will work out, and you will love."
I didn't really know how to take this. It was like a synchronicity, which I hadn't planned for, weasling it's way into my life.
I turned the TV off and headed towards the practice fields. Along the way, I was still pretty deep in thought when I walked right atop what I thought was a piece of white paper. Being the curious person that I am, I picked it up. Another sign? I don't really know, but I still have that old queen of hearts. Did it mean that I was the queen of his heart, or that I was the one who was supposed to end with him? Did it mean that I had to grow to make my own life about finding myself and my true love? I didn't know. I took it to mean that he was the one for me, and I've actually kept that card all these years. I had lost it, for years, and found it again, almost as though fate threw it in my path once more, when I was moving my furniture out of my room to move to PA for him and for the life we could have.
But what of it now? Was it, yet again, telling me to go and live my own life because I needed to be the queen of my own heart? I'm still not sure. I'd taken it as a good sign, but, perhaps again I was misled by what I thought of as fate.

I hung out with Joe, Geoff, and Lisa last night. I took Spike with me. I no longer feel the need to break down and cry about him, but it is hard to talk about the fact that he makes me dis-like myself because I can't get over that I just wasn't good enough for him to want to be with me. He threw me away so easily that it breaks my heart to think that everything he said must have been a lie. I feel surrounded by the words that you said. I feel haunted trying to remember things you said and decipher whether or not you were telling me the truth. ---------------------->
That is just how I fell, all the time. I want to shut out my memories of his voice, and the memories of the sweet things he said. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I trusted him and his words. I'm inside myself, torturing myself because I can't have been good enough if he was going to lie to me. I get it, I should be so hard on myself, but how can I be worth anything if someone who is supposed to love me lies to me and ruins my world. He was supposed to care about me, and I don't understand how that can just fall away the way it did. How do you just one day decide that you've stopped caring about someone? What on earth causes that? I've loved him for so long that it seems second nature to think about him a hundred times a day, and to be happiest when he's realizing that I am actually alive. Right now though, I know he wouldn't care if I stopped breathing. Yeah, he 'might' feel guilt if I died, or if I ended everything because I just couldn't deal. But, I really don't think he'd feel loss, like I'm sure he doesn't right now. He doesn't miss me, and he doesn't care that he has taken the stability from my life. He doesn't care that I changed my whole life to be with him. He decided that I wasn't someone he was excited to see. He decided that this wasn't worth saving. I didn't know how to be someone he missed. I threw my heart and soul into the possibility of an us, and he seemed like he cut and ran as fast as he could once things were really serious. I miss being in Maryland, actually. I miss the friends I did have there, becasuse there isn't that much here for me right now.

Someday, some day, I'll be someone that is missed. I'll have someone who doesn't want to live without me in his life. But for now, I just feel alone. I love that I have my friends by phone -- they've kept me sane these last few weeks. It's edging faster and faster towards this time flying by. I don't know what to do with my life right now, but I can't wait to see what unfolds for me. Joe needs to stay in my past, and if he thinks that coming back within a month and saying he's sorry and he misses me is not going to go over well. I can't do this anymore. I already realized a long time ago that I can't be me around him because I am terrified of being judged to be lesser by him. I just don't want or need that in my life. I fought for a long time to try and be myself and to try and make this work, but I still found that I had a very hard time opening up and talking to him even when he was telling me that he wasn't going anywhere and that he would always be there for me. Funny how it went from that to goodbye in a week. I knew it was coming. And, I hate that I was too blind to see it from the beginning. I might have still come up here for a job, but, I'm not sure what would have happened if that was the case. Either way, I'm here, this is my life now. I made my bed... time to lie in it.

~M