Lonely

Well, tonight isn't the best night -- by far. I'm so sick of the fact that Joe gets to keep everything and I'm the one who loses. It just isn't fair. I am really not sure I like it here at all. This would be so much easier to just blame on him. He was supposed to be somebody. He was supposed to be my person -- the person I could turn to when life had me in a panic. But he'll never be that, and he never would be. I guess you've gotta learn by getting really hurt, all the time, before you can feel like a failure enough to never leave your house enough.
Man, if I could warn people ahead of time what happens when you trust someone. I'd just destroy their hopes and dreams of futures because I'm that calloused and hurt right now. I don't feel attractive, I don't feel wanted by anyone. I feel like Joe was my one shot in life and I lost it. I suck at meeting guys, and I really am not good at figuring out how to meet guys anyway. So, I'm completely screwed. I don't have a support system here. I'm all by myself -- the exact way I wasn't supposed to be. So what's left? Not much that I can see right now. I'm so sick of this shit. I hate being stuck here. I'm sure this would be lovely if I didn't feel as though there is no escape for me right now. And, that is how I feel. I feel like I cannot get away from what I'm having to deal with here.

Maybe I should have pulled up roots here and moved home. Maybe I should have run from this, here, and him and tried to go on about my own life without falling apart. Caring about him more than anything else -- more than he cared about me -- now that is a dangerous life to live. But that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt all the time. And it doesn't mean that I don't -- for some screwed up reason -- feel jealous that he'd be with someone else. How is that possible? I hate myself to still caring about someone who has hurt me so many times. But what if he is the only one who seems to have ever really cared about me? What if this was my shot and I blew it somehow? What if this was my fault -- somehow?
This is how I wish I really felt, but at quite certain I never will be that free. What happens if I'm stuck feeling like this -- missing him -- for the wrong reasons for my whole life? What if I always feel as though he's the one who was supposed to be something in my life? I don't get it.

I wish I felt this way about having him out of my life. I wish I could find that relieved feeling in here somewhere. I don't have to deal with his smoking and his other issues -- and especially I don't have to deal with his dysfunctional family any longer. I don't have to deal with his sex issues -- the inability to be there with me and figure out his shit. I don't have to deal with feeling inadequate because of him.
I don't have to take him treating me like shit -- but isn't that what I do when I am over there and he pretends that I do not exist? Isn't that me just dealing with his shit some more? I hate that I was there today, sitting in the dark and Lisa and Geoff went upstairs and it was just me and Joe and for a moment I wished that he would come onto my couch and kiss me and tell me that all of this was just a huge mistake -- a bad dream that I'd wake up from and feel normal again. I wish it was that easy to fix. Even if he did come back some day -- I'll never be able to trust him again, and the stress of having him in my life in any way isn't really worth it to me anymore. I just don't want to feel any of these ways anymore. I'm much happier when I feel detached and don't really feel anything.

Has heartbreak lost it's meaning for me? I'm not sure it means anything near what it meant a long time ago. I don't like that I've spent my last seven years in turmoil about a boy who I really knew I cared about the second I heard his voice. I don't like that I've been wrapped up and shaken down. I hate that it is just the worst thing for me right now to be living somewhere where my life is tied to his in some way. It is either be alone, or deal with him in my life. I'm game for playing the mature role, but he really fails at it.

that's it for now,
M