I guess there are just some days when different pictures appeal to me. So, to write about today. Work was... so so. We had some interesting corporate people in the store today. It is kinda interesting that we have very ... excentric people ... in the company.
It was just a weird and stressful day. I didn't enjoy it so much and it felt like it dragged on and on and on. I guess that's just how it goes sometimes.
These pictures feel like I feel right now. They're lonely and still and beautiful. I hate it, the way these call to me -- they're where I want to lose myself. The idea of where I'd be able to just be myself and be at peace -- which I don't feel right now. But I can feel myself, when I close my eyes, sitting on that bench, stairing out to the world watching the petals fall from the trees. I can feel them brush across my skin and call for me to get lost in them, with them, as they find their place on the ground. I can see them swirl around my feet as I walk through the trees. It is almost silent there, the wind whispering through the branches, and the petals, almost inaudible, landing on one another without protest.





And that bridge, I could stand on it for hours and watch the water sway below it -- lapping gently on the pillars of the bridge. The trees would be waving, only slightly. Enough to add a small chill to the slightly heavy weather. Rain is in the air, and I would so enjoy standing on the bridge and getting drenched all the way through. My tears would mix with the falling rain drops -- as cliche as it is, hiding seems like the best measure of protecting myself. Getting away, hiding -- though I hate to hide. I hurt, a lot, and curling up with a bottle of pills and a bottle of vodka seems like such a great idea sometimes... But my rational part of my brain -- which I really do hate sometimes -- calls that giving up, giving in, losing. And I hate to lose.
Joe is like a constant memory that I got played into his game. He used me, played me, and threw me away. I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I gave everything I had, and wasn't good enough. (Yeah, you guys can say things over and over about how awful he is and how that isn't true... but it still just sucks and I stil feel that way).
Ugh. I hate it. Having jealousy issues when he's trying to get with another girl is not fun for me. I shouldn't feel this way, but, I do and I hate it. I feel behind and exhausted and just fed up. I wish there was a reason to just get away and go on my own. I can't do that, but hiding out from everyone here feels like such a good idea. I just hate him right now and I don't want him in my life anymore. Perhaps there will be no more going over to visit. I'll hang with lisa and geoff if they ever bother to include me in things they actually do. But I just don't know if I can deal with this anymore. Him ignoring me completely and even when I say goodnight, pretending like he didn't hear me.
I'm super down tonight. I hurt, a lot. I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. I just want to hide away and try to figure out my own life. I refuse to break. I lost the game I won't lose more. Lisa says I don't hide it. She says everyone can tell. Well, I won't be around everyone then. I just don't care with that shit. But I won't be around Joe anymore, cause I won't show that weakness to him. I can't go where I won't be able to come out of it. I have to hide it. Everyone expects me to just be okay with the fact that i feel used. I feel used, and dirty, and very lost. And I won't show it. I'll write it down, and I'll do my best to be calm and act like I can still breathe, when I know that every single one is a hard won fight.

~M