Poor duckling. It is true that you don't have to be pretty to have your problems solved. At least you didn't make stupid mistakes being pretty and then wind up feeling ugly. I feel ugly right now. I do not feel attractive -- and I'm taking it out on my eating, which is really screwing up my internal systems. It's not so good. I can't rationalize my feelings right now, and some of them make me feel like an ugly person. I don't want to be upset and angry, and I don't want jealousy to have roots in my life.

     I'm working to be a better person. I'm reading The Shack with Angela and I'm hoping to find something in it, something I need to go forwards. I cannot wait to see how I feel this time around. I know some people don't believe in God, and I don't really know what I believe most days. I hope that someday I'll have an idea about everything in my life. Sometimes I feel like I need more in my life than what I just have right now. 

    It's hard for me to admit the things which have happened in my life in the past few months. I'm ashamed of making bad choices. I feel that I showed my friends and my family that I am not capable of making the right choices in my life. I feel like I let my parents down, cause now they worry that I'm here alone. 

    I hate that I was so wrong about Joe. Why couldn't I see it? Why do I still feel that there is someone else in him which is not this person that I see all the time? Somedays he can really be the guy I know I fell in love with -- but that guy is so hidden beneath what he is now that I can't get there anymore. I'm not sure anyone can these days. He's beyond long gone. I don't know what to do with him, and I think I am seriously going to do my best not to be involved. I hate that my friends tell me that I don't hide the pain well enough -- that everyone can tell that I'm falling apart inside. I hate knowing that. I value being able to hide what I feel and go on, push on, through my life. I like hiding what I don't want to show. I don't like people being able to read me. I don't like letting it out either, cause to me, the more I let it out -- the more it hurts and sinks in. I don't need it to be a part of me for my life to continue. I want to bag it up and put the bag in a locked box and sink it somewhere in the depths of my mind where I'll never uncover it again.