Well, this picture pretty much says it all right now. I feel very conflicted, and I'm hoping that when Joe wakes up in a few weeks and comes crawling back (as he's actually showing signs of it and Lisa has already warned me it might be coming) I can hold strong and tell him to stay out of my life as anything but a friend. I won't play this game with him -- he's already shown me how quickly he can throw me away for no reason. I won't put myself in a position where that can happen again. It is neither worth it, nor okay with me. I don't like being made to feel that I am worthless and unwanted. I'm still fighting feeling very unattractive, as he never cared to act as though he wanted me. "Sex is Sex" he said once, and I'm done feeling as though I'm unwanted.
     The 'real' me is trying to re-break through this mess of a life I've gotten myself into. Hopefully I can keep it up and keep moving forwards. I'm just sick to death of 'dealing' with Joe. I wonder if I never could tell him I loved him becasuse I wasn't sure I did anymore.
     I would never date him again unless he stopped smoking completely and maybe I'd add in a clause that he had to go see a psychiatrist if his behavior kept being so erradic after he stopped smoking. I hate that part of me wants him in my life because of the way I feel when I think about him. But, I gave up everything and did my best to figure out everything I could so that we could make things work out right. He told me this was the last relationship he wanted to be in, and I felt the same way. Hell, engagement rings had been talked about. I feel flat, and I'm working on feeling as though this isn't the end of what I can have in my life. I'm waiting, and I'll keep waiting and hoping to see what is going to happen. As much as I miss a relationship in my life, I don't miss dealing with his smoking and his moods and walking on egg shells because I couldn't figure out what would set him off or not. I don't need that in my life. I hope that I can find someone who is kind and caring and who appreciates me for who I am.

I'm on the hunt, lookout!