Hrm, life, life, life... What the hell

Well, I think what the hell sums it up pretty well. What the freaking hell is going on these days? I'm still dealing with my shit, and the crazy freaking dreams are not helping.  I had another one a few days ago. There have been two, completely un-related dreams in the last week.
Dream 1:
A friend of mine had told me about some issues that he was having with is latest business deal. It wasn't going all that well, and, it seems to me that he needed some guidance. Well, he got it all right, right through me. Jason is pretty damn religious, and I woke up after my dream knowing that I HAD (no question) to talk to him about what I'd seen in my dream. The message was, "she's not important to your plan, she would have blown it all in the future. Go on anyway, you'll make it without her. Have faith." That was an interesting dream. After that one came the more disturbing one.
Dream 2:
I still don't like the new 'no eyebrow' trend which is popping up in pop art as well as high end fashion. I never liked it before, and I don't like it now. The dream I had was very scary. Joe was in it, as we all well know he went through a phase when he had no eyebrows. I guess he was easy to picture that way. We were having a conversation and it was aggressive and passive at turns, but the difference between the two was whether or not he had eyebrows. Towards the end of the dream he was in my face and the eyebrows were gone and he was looking at me in a way I can't even begin to explain. Threatening, and sad at the same time. It was really strange. It left me feeling rather disconcerted through the whole thing. I wasn't happy when I woke up, but, I mean, what a freaking strange dream. I don't like dreaming about Joe, but I have had them on and off for years, especially when I'm feeling sad, depressed, or lonely. I guess that is just how it goes. The dreams are either great and happy and whatever, or they are traumatizing and stressful. They make me remember a past I don't need to remember, and I don't want to remember anymore.
There isn't hope there anymore. No matter what happens next, there isn't anything left. I'm not even left her anymore. Maybe I didn't go to California, but I'm still here, and I may be heading somewhere else. I just need to. I can't play these games anymore. Maybe it is time to work hard core over Christmas, make a killing, quit and go travel the way I've wanted to for years. maybe I won't come back after all. There isn't too much left for me somedays, and these days are no exception. I love my friends, and my family, but I need more than that in my life right now. I don't want bullshit and games anymore. I'm ready and yearning to be in a 'normal' relationship. I can't deal with things falling through anymore. It is killing me, and I will not play these games again.

So, outside of my life, this has been an interesting week for a few of my friends. Anne is having trouble with her boy. They've been dating for months now and suddenly, within the span of two weeks, his communication which used to be every day has fallen away to once and a while, and now nothing. He seems to be gone completely. Anne noticed a few weeks ago that the conversations were not what they used to be, and things seemed strained or stressed. I know that feeling. Now, two weeks later, he is awol and completely out of touch. He used to talk to her a couple times a day, and now he's gone completely. She's so upset and hurt. Unfortunately, I know how she feels, and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't make her feel better.
Peter basically dropped off the face of the earth. It was such a dick move. I had never thought that my friends would have to go through the same things I did. It hurt so much, like a hole had been ripped through me. It hurts a little less each and each consecutive time. But, why go back for more? Well, like Anne has said, if Peter comes back, she'd go back with him, and he'd most likely pull the same thing again. Why is that? Joe comes in and out of my life and I'm a freaking mess, but I don't want to be that anymore. At least now I know. At least now I know what I do and don't want to do anymore. Playing games is not my forte.
Anne now has to deal with everything which has fallen on her plate. I remember the way I felt and I cannot help her feel the way I've come to feel now. Everything is raw and it is painful. I'm sorry for her, because I never want anyone else to feel the way I have when someone disappears out of your life. It is scary, and it is painful. You're left with questions which are most likely never answered. I though I was the only one who had this issue with guys. Or with a guy...as the case may be.

What fun.
I think that is it for the night.
<3
~M

The Dating Scene

Throwing yourself into the dating scene isn't easy, apparently. I can meet multiple people and not get anything from any of them. *shrugs* I haven't met someone who has turned my head in quite a while. I guess maybe I'm picky. I'm done being wrapped up in this crap with Joe. It tears me down all the time. I really just don't like feeling this way. I want to be doing something more and getting somewhere else rather than waiting to see what else happens. I'm so over and done.
I guess I just have to wait and see what happens. I mean, I need someone who doesn't take themselves so seriously. I need to find these fun people from MLIA. It just needs to happen sometimes.
I've begun writing again. Letters, notes, and such for fun. I've been thinking very heavily about writing that novel which has been in my head for so long. I think it is about time I made major headway into the things I've written and those that I long to write. Someday, maybe, I'll see my name on that best sellers list and then we'll see who remembers the girl who always used to talk about wanting to be published... One can only hope. Who will remember, and who will have forgotten.

Well, that is it for now, still kinda down and doing my best to re-surface.

~M

Tonight...

So I'm thinking maybe a thought dump every day isn't such a bad thing. I think about a lot of things which are way too deep to bother keeping in my head. I can't handle the things that bounce through my brain on a daily basis sometimes. It is really hard to deal with. I think about a ton of things and it doesn't settle with me well.
I'm tired of boys taking advantage of me and my friends. I'm sick of hearing my friends upset because guys are dicks to them. I don't like that they end up feeling the ass when it is the guy yelling at them and telling them that they didn't do enough. I'm really fed up with it. I don't like the way these things are panning out, and unfortunately, short of screening every person who someone dates, (which isn't possible anyway), there is just nothing I can do for them to help lessen the pain of what these guys do.
Deep down, all we girls really want is someone who loves us. We're pretty easy. These days we don't really care what your job is, and we don't really care about anything as long as you're in love with us. We want to feel loved, and secure. We want to feel as though, if given the choice, you would always choose us. We want to feel this way because it is the way we feel about you. That is the thing. Maybe you guys don't realize it, but, we think that way. That is what we want, at all times. We want to be loved and held at night. It comes down to the feeling of your arms around us...while we snuggle in to sleep.
We want a lot of things, and I'm pretty sure when it comes down to it, that guys want the same things. I hope they do. And someday, I hope I meet a guy who can actually verbalize that rather than just taking his shit out on me. I"m sick of it. If you want something, just say it. If you feel something, just say it. I'm not going to freak out because you say Love, or anything else. I just want to know what it is you feel so I don't feel as though I'm always in the dark.
Maybe that is just too much to ask. For the time being, I'll deal with being alone, cause I hurt too much when I get together with him. I can't imagine someone else out there who could cut me this deep and make me love him this much. It hurts, it sucks, but it has to move on someday.

Done done done...
~M

Ponder ... Ponder

Is it a female thing to think that you’re destined for someone? Honestly, how many guys do you meet who will sit there and say that they think they are destined for someone. Maybe you’ll hear it when they’re taking their vows either to god or to their soon to be wife. But honestly, how many guys run around thinking that they’re destined to be with a girl who they’ve met? How many guys mourn a girlfriend leaving, or mourn dumping a girlfriend because they honestly thought they were in *gasp* love with this girl. Love is such a thrown around word, but there is more to love than just saying that four letter word. Some people cannot say it, and I for one agree with them. How do you decide who you love? Shouldn’t it really mean something to say “I love you?” I’ve only met once upon a time, a guy who I thought I was in love with. Pity to me that I didn’t realize it at the time. But as you know, life does not come with do overs, or if it does, please someone tell me where to go to get one!

I’m beginning to think that there is a really big gap here between women thinking that things are ‘meant to be’ and guys running away from women who think that way. That, or the guys just don’t understand at all why we’re hurting when they’re gone. Yeah, they move on fast, but we don’t move on as fast from men who we think or we thought we were meant to be with. Sometimes I find that guys are just not sensitive to the way we’re feeling when they break our hearts. Maybe we put more stock in being happy with someone, but it is still a conundrum to try and figure out why our emotions so drastically differ from those of men.

Finding the one who is ‘meant to be’ is not a way of saying that women sit down and just decide that the guy they’re with is the guy for them. There are a lot of factors which play into real women beginning to think that they’ve found their ideal match. It isn’t about the amount of time you were dating, but it is about the feeling that is there. Said or unsaid I think that people run into their match because of the feelings that it creates. I think even in our subconscious we know when we’ve met someone who matches us on even more than the normal ‘I like you’ plane. Yes, lust, sex, and hunger are part of that, but there is so much more to knowing that you’re meant to be with someone. There is often electricity that you cannot see, but can feel. And I’ve come across couples before who weren’t together but were meant to be, and the tension between them in the room was palpable.

It is about the way you felt when you first met. It doesn’t have to be fireworks, but there is something in the pull of his voice, or what he said, or how he said it. There is something in the way you want to be together, even when there are other things going on. It is about tackling challenges, willingly, together because you want to do things with the other person. It is liking the same ice cream or grabbing the same bowl before adding all the same toppings. It is finishing each others sentences before you’ve known him a week. It is about being able and understanding. It is about feeling as though you could tell him anything at all and he wouldn’t judge you for it. It is about that first kiss, where you remember it always, and it is about the way you feel when he is not there anymore. It is so much more than words can capture.

It is about knowing he is upset before you see him. It is about being able to dream of him the way he dreams about you. It is about feeling him when he isn’t there. It is about always being happier when he is around. It is about just feeling that everything is right when he is there, and you’re in his arms. It is about not having to do anything in particular, but being able to just ‘be’ around each other. When you’re content because you’re in the same room, same town, same school. ETC.

It is about thinking he is perfect even when your rational mind says, wait, really? It is about thinking that he could change and you’d still love him the same way. It is about realizing that you base the idea of ‘love’ off the way you feel for him. It is about knowing that you couldn’t care less about bad habits or a little extra weight, even if it bothers him. It is about wanting him and accepting him the way he is. Completely. It is about knowing that you like your laughter more when he is around. It is about being absolutely certain that even talking about a future feels completely right.

I’ve begun to think, after my last disaster of a try at a ‘relationship’ (if you can dare to call it that), that guys in general don’t think the same way about their ‘match’ as girls do. You could chalk it up to us female types being more emotional, but I don’t think that is it. I have met plenty of emotional men in my life, and this just doesn’t qualify. Could it be that men do not say it as much as we do? I still think we’re meant to be doesn’t tend to come out of their mouths. “I don’t want to settle for being friends.” Means a lot coming from a guy, but why not just say, “I think there is something here, and I want to hash it out until we figure it out?” how hard is that? Girls have to so heavily read into anything guys say that we’re left in this fantastic maze where we aren’t sure what to say or what to do to keep these amazing guys in our lives for a longer amount of time. Don’t get me wrong, not all girls think this way, and maybe I’m just a rarity. But, seriously, we don’t want every guy we meet to be the ‘one’. There are a bunch of us who have already met that guy and not one other soul we meet can compare.

I worry about that sometimes. Thinking I’ve already met him. What more is there? There are various sayings about how love strikes twice: Once so you can know the price, and once (as Allison Krauss wrote) for crazy faith. Is it crazy? I don’t think so. I think we meet the one and I think that not all of us are mature enough, old enough, our sensible enough to know it when it happens. It turns into hell on wheels to be dealing with something like that. But the thing is, how do ‘normal’ guys measure up to these men we’ve fallen for thinking they’re the ones we are meant to be with?

I think once we’ve found our match we measure every other guy we meet against who and what he is, and how he makes us feel. I think that most of the time the guys we meet after don’t even come close, and some of us settle. I am not a settler. I can’t do it. I want to fight, but don’t know how. So instead I’m here pondering the ways that this could be different from the other side.

You see, even though I feel him all the time, I cannot get a crack of the way he feels about me. He has said a few things, and told me once that he loved me, what feels like ages ago. And though I long to hear it again, I am just not sure I ever will. I am not sure I’ll be able to ever tell him that I love him, even if it took me years to figure out. I just don’t know. There is no magic decoder for the way guys feel about you. I only know one side of this stupid male/female code shit, and I wish more than anything that I could just know, just once, how he feels. But it isn’t meant to be and I doubt it will happen. But it leaves me feeling as though I’m strange or weird for thinking that we’re still meant to be, even after everything. Even after all the same shit has happened over and over and over again. It still leaves me thinking that I’d rather be with him than anyone else. And it leaves me heartbroken to know that it is broken. There is no fixing this I don’t think, we’re too far lost in what we’re not saying. Even though it is the words we both need to hear. I would do anything. But, I think that is just the me part of things.

*shrugs* okay, that made my brain hurt. Time to actually pretend like I’m getting work done at work :-/

~M

PostSecret

Couldn't mean more if I'd written it myself. Thank you heart, for completely screwing with my life. I can't find a happy medium without him. Just freaking great.

Well...

Hrm, so I sent my letter of 'non acceptance' to California. I just can't see myself there, and I'm disappointed that things did not turn out perfectly. I wish it had. It would have been so good to get away and start over somewhere else. I just cannot fathom dealing with things out there -- so freaking far away from everything in both distance and demeanor. Veronica -- the 23 yr old who worked there, texted me today that she would in fact be thinking about a room-mate if I was still thinking about heading out there. I have to tell her that I'm not heading out there.

Still pretty bummed about things with Joe. I don't know what to do. I left him an IM he didn't respond. I don't know what else to do... we agreed that we didn't want to settle for being friends (a few weeks ago) -- and now we're less than even that...so I just don't know. Right now, it hurts, and I have to try not to get my hopes up. I joined up a few places to try and meet more people...we'll see how that goes.

that is all folks,
~M

I <3 Angela

So, a little background here. I've been back from California for about three days now. I really don't want to talk about it. hahaha. It wasn't great, and it wasn't terrible. I am not moving. There is a lot more for me on the East coast, and I really didn't feel at home by the sea in California. They also didn't really offer me enough money to get out there. So, I'm staying, for the time being. I'm actually considering moving to Philadelphia with Katy if she gets a place out there to live and work. I'm not really worried about finding a job, I can manage. We'd have a good time, and Phili has a lot of disk and people my age. Right now that is where I'm not getting anywhere, which brings me to the conversation Angela and I had on my way home from work today...

Angela is having a few issues with boys she's finding around TN. I'm not surprised these days, as the boys I've come across are just as inconsistent as the ones she is coming across. She is in a similar state of affairs as I am with Joe. We are in some sort of 'relationship' with guys who do not seem to appreciate us. They are there when they care to be, and gone when they want to be. We are left waiting, staring at screens wondering if they will decide that they want something to do with us for the time. Now, that isn't necessarily the way it needs to work, and I'm not saying it is right. But, we are two girls who are very used to men/boys leaving. We are used to them getting tired of us and moving on without saying anything. We are afraid each day to the next that our boy has decided this day he doesn't want anything to do with us. So yes, we try and start conversations occasionally, but we are very sensitive to the way the conversation goes. We worry all the time that they will kick us to the curb so easily.
We don't know how to start a conversation when we know we want to talk to them, want to talk to them all the time. We don't want to seem clingy, or pushy. We don't want to give them a reason to turn away, again. We don't know what to do, because we haven't ever kept a guy around long enough to know what works.
We're confident, and we're insecure. We're unhappy, and we are in love. We just don't know what we have to do to make things right. We want these guys in our lives, but we are left sitting, waiting, not knowing what they really think. We are so careful to do nothing wrong that we kill the whole idea of our 'relationships'. We're smart, we're talented, we're beautiful. But we think we're always doing something wrong. We're insecure, and we're unhappy, and we're unsure of ourselves. We can't figure out what it is that we have to do to make things right. We are angry, disappointed, we're lonely. We don't understand. We feel like we're in the middle of playing games. We don't like being left stranded, and we hate being alone at the end of such hard work for us.
We're trying to be the girls that our guys want. We're doing out best to keep these guys in our lives, but we've lost, or we're losing. I don't know what to do anymore. I want Joe in my life. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. Maybe he doesn't get the messages I leave or left on his Aim. He says I'm not trying. I'm trying not to be clingy, to say the right thing, to not let him have a doubt about wanting me in his life. I'm insecure about it damn it. I don't know what is 'right' to do. I would talk to him all day every day if I could. That is just how I feel. I come across things I want to show him, things I want to tell him about. But, right now, I'm just not sure he wants anything to do with me. And I did that, partially, the same way he did.
And it isn't just our choices which are getting to us. We are trying to keep guys who don't communicate. Guys who are probably as insecure as we are. Guys who wait for us to make a move, wait for us to tell them what we feel and what we want. We wait, and they wait. They vanish or they fall out of touch and it hurts us. They appear not to realize that what they do and say really hurts us. They don't really watch what they say, and, they don't realize what we are hurting when they're not around. They don't realize that we're insecure, and that what we really want is them. It doesn't matter what they think of themselves. We chose them. I chose Joe because of who he is. He isn't perfect, and neither am I. I don't expect him to be, and I don't want to change him. I just want him in my life. He's in my dreams, in my thoughts, in my heart. I want to tell him I love him. But, perhaps now that cannot really be said. Maybe it is too late -- to late to heal.
It drives me crazy that I feel as though he fades out. I don't know why it feels that way, but it does. We talk less. We don't talk about anything 'deep' like we used to. We both do it, as though we reach a point where we have to end it or really go forwards. It kills me that he does this. It breaks my heart, or what is left of it. I really thought we were getting somewhere this time. I really thought that five months was something to be pretty proud of, since we hadn't managed to keep in touch that much ever before. What the heck happened? What is going on?
We spend so much time being afraid of doing something wrong which will make them drop us, that we don't ask the important questions. We don't push where we need to push, because we are afraid that they'd rather leave than push back and show us that they care about us. We don't know what to do anymore. There are plenty of guys, yes, but the right ones are so hard to find -- so few and far between.
There are other guys who want to be in my life. But I don't 'feel' them. I don't know what it is about Joe. It is undeniable that we have some spark -- some something which makes us want to be with the other -- but, I'm just not so sure about what the heck is going on sometimes. I wish so hard to forget. But I can't. So what now? Where do Angela and I go from here? How do we spell it out? How do we make sure that we are who we are with these boys? How do we make sure we don't lose the one who really counts?

that is it for the night....
~M