Tonight...

So I'm thinking maybe a thought dump every day isn't such a bad thing. I think about a lot of things which are way too deep to bother keeping in my head. I can't handle the things that bounce through my brain on a daily basis sometimes. It is really hard to deal with. I think about a ton of things and it doesn't settle with me well.
I'm tired of boys taking advantage of me and my friends. I'm sick of hearing my friends upset because guys are dicks to them. I don't like that they end up feeling the ass when it is the guy yelling at them and telling them that they didn't do enough. I'm really fed up with it. I don't like the way these things are panning out, and unfortunately, short of screening every person who someone dates, (which isn't possible anyway), there is just nothing I can do for them to help lessen the pain of what these guys do.
Deep down, all we girls really want is someone who loves us. We're pretty easy. These days we don't really care what your job is, and we don't really care about anything as long as you're in love with us. We want to feel loved, and secure. We want to feel as though, if given the choice, you would always choose us. We want to feel this way because it is the way we feel about you. That is the thing. Maybe you guys don't realize it, but, we think that way. That is what we want, at all times. We want to be loved and held at night. It comes down to the feeling of your arms around us...while we snuggle in to sleep.
We want a lot of things, and I'm pretty sure when it comes down to it, that guys want the same things. I hope they do. And someday, I hope I meet a guy who can actually verbalize that rather than just taking his shit out on me. I"m sick of it. If you want something, just say it. If you feel something, just say it. I'm not going to freak out because you say Love, or anything else. I just want to know what it is you feel so I don't feel as though I'm always in the dark.
Maybe that is just too much to ask. For the time being, I'll deal with being alone, cause I hurt too much when I get together with him. I can't imagine someone else out there who could cut me this deep and make me love him this much. It hurts, it sucks, but it has to move on someday.

Done done done...
~M

Ponder ... Ponder

Is it a female thing to think that you’re destined for someone? Honestly, how many guys do you meet who will sit there and say that they think they are destined for someone. Maybe you’ll hear it when they’re taking their vows either to god or to their soon to be wife. But honestly, how many guys run around thinking that they’re destined to be with a girl who they’ve met? How many guys mourn a girlfriend leaving, or mourn dumping a girlfriend because they honestly thought they were in *gasp* love with this girl. Love is such a thrown around word, but there is more to love than just saying that four letter word. Some people cannot say it, and I for one agree with them. How do you decide who you love? Shouldn’t it really mean something to say “I love you?” I’ve only met once upon a time, a guy who I thought I was in love with. Pity to me that I didn’t realize it at the time. But as you know, life does not come with do overs, or if it does, please someone tell me where to go to get one!

I’m beginning to think that there is a really big gap here between women thinking that things are ‘meant to be’ and guys running away from women who think that way. That, or the guys just don’t understand at all why we’re hurting when they’re gone. Yeah, they move on fast, but we don’t move on as fast from men who we think or we thought we were meant to be with. Sometimes I find that guys are just not sensitive to the way we’re feeling when they break our hearts. Maybe we put more stock in being happy with someone, but it is still a conundrum to try and figure out why our emotions so drastically differ from those of men.

Finding the one who is ‘meant to be’ is not a way of saying that women sit down and just decide that the guy they’re with is the guy for them. There are a lot of factors which play into real women beginning to think that they’ve found their ideal match. It isn’t about the amount of time you were dating, but it is about the feeling that is there. Said or unsaid I think that people run into their match because of the feelings that it creates. I think even in our subconscious we know when we’ve met someone who matches us on even more than the normal ‘I like you’ plane. Yes, lust, sex, and hunger are part of that, but there is so much more to knowing that you’re meant to be with someone. There is often electricity that you cannot see, but can feel. And I’ve come across couples before who weren’t together but were meant to be, and the tension between them in the room was palpable.

It is about the way you felt when you first met. It doesn’t have to be fireworks, but there is something in the pull of his voice, or what he said, or how he said it. There is something in the way you want to be together, even when there are other things going on. It is about tackling challenges, willingly, together because you want to do things with the other person. It is liking the same ice cream or grabbing the same bowl before adding all the same toppings. It is finishing each others sentences before you’ve known him a week. It is about being able and understanding. It is about feeling as though you could tell him anything at all and he wouldn’t judge you for it. It is about that first kiss, where you remember it always, and it is about the way you feel when he is not there anymore. It is so much more than words can capture.

It is about knowing he is upset before you see him. It is about being able to dream of him the way he dreams about you. It is about feeling him when he isn’t there. It is about always being happier when he is around. It is about just feeling that everything is right when he is there, and you’re in his arms. It is about not having to do anything in particular, but being able to just ‘be’ around each other. When you’re content because you’re in the same room, same town, same school. ETC.

It is about thinking he is perfect even when your rational mind says, wait, really? It is about thinking that he could change and you’d still love him the same way. It is about realizing that you base the idea of ‘love’ off the way you feel for him. It is about knowing that you couldn’t care less about bad habits or a little extra weight, even if it bothers him. It is about wanting him and accepting him the way he is. Completely. It is about knowing that you like your laughter more when he is around. It is about being absolutely certain that even talking about a future feels completely right.

I’ve begun to think, after my last disaster of a try at a ‘relationship’ (if you can dare to call it that), that guys in general don’t think the same way about their ‘match’ as girls do. You could chalk it up to us female types being more emotional, but I don’t think that is it. I have met plenty of emotional men in my life, and this just doesn’t qualify. Could it be that men do not say it as much as we do? I still think we’re meant to be doesn’t tend to come out of their mouths. “I don’t want to settle for being friends.” Means a lot coming from a guy, but why not just say, “I think there is something here, and I want to hash it out until we figure it out?” how hard is that? Girls have to so heavily read into anything guys say that we’re left in this fantastic maze where we aren’t sure what to say or what to do to keep these amazing guys in our lives for a longer amount of time. Don’t get me wrong, not all girls think this way, and maybe I’m just a rarity. But, seriously, we don’t want every guy we meet to be the ‘one’. There are a bunch of us who have already met that guy and not one other soul we meet can compare.

I worry about that sometimes. Thinking I’ve already met him. What more is there? There are various sayings about how love strikes twice: Once so you can know the price, and once (as Allison Krauss wrote) for crazy faith. Is it crazy? I don’t think so. I think we meet the one and I think that not all of us are mature enough, old enough, our sensible enough to know it when it happens. It turns into hell on wheels to be dealing with something like that. But the thing is, how do ‘normal’ guys measure up to these men we’ve fallen for thinking they’re the ones we are meant to be with?

I think once we’ve found our match we measure every other guy we meet against who and what he is, and how he makes us feel. I think that most of the time the guys we meet after don’t even come close, and some of us settle. I am not a settler. I can’t do it. I want to fight, but don’t know how. So instead I’m here pondering the ways that this could be different from the other side.

You see, even though I feel him all the time, I cannot get a crack of the way he feels about me. He has said a few things, and told me once that he loved me, what feels like ages ago. And though I long to hear it again, I am just not sure I ever will. I am not sure I’ll be able to ever tell him that I love him, even if it took me years to figure out. I just don’t know. There is no magic decoder for the way guys feel about you. I only know one side of this stupid male/female code shit, and I wish more than anything that I could just know, just once, how he feels. But it isn’t meant to be and I doubt it will happen. But it leaves me feeling as though I’m strange or weird for thinking that we’re still meant to be, even after everything. Even after all the same shit has happened over and over and over again. It still leaves me thinking that I’d rather be with him than anyone else. And it leaves me heartbroken to know that it is broken. There is no fixing this I don’t think, we’re too far lost in what we’re not saying. Even though it is the words we both need to hear. I would do anything. But, I think that is just the me part of things.

*shrugs* okay, that made my brain hurt. Time to actually pretend like I’m getting work done at work :-/

~M

PostSecret

Couldn't mean more if I'd written it myself. Thank you heart, for completely screwing with my life. I can't find a happy medium without him. Just freaking great.

Well...

Hrm, so I sent my letter of 'non acceptance' to California. I just can't see myself there, and I'm disappointed that things did not turn out perfectly. I wish it had. It would have been so good to get away and start over somewhere else. I just cannot fathom dealing with things out there -- so freaking far away from everything in both distance and demeanor. Veronica -- the 23 yr old who worked there, texted me today that she would in fact be thinking about a room-mate if I was still thinking about heading out there. I have to tell her that I'm not heading out there.

Still pretty bummed about things with Joe. I don't know what to do. I left him an IM he didn't respond. I don't know what else to do... we agreed that we didn't want to settle for being friends (a few weeks ago) -- and now we're less than even that...so I just don't know. Right now, it hurts, and I have to try not to get my hopes up. I joined up a few places to try and meet more people...we'll see how that goes.

that is all folks,
~M

I <3 Angela

So, a little background here. I've been back from California for about three days now. I really don't want to talk about it. hahaha. It wasn't great, and it wasn't terrible. I am not moving. There is a lot more for me on the East coast, and I really didn't feel at home by the sea in California. They also didn't really offer me enough money to get out there. So, I'm staying, for the time being. I'm actually considering moving to Philadelphia with Katy if she gets a place out there to live and work. I'm not really worried about finding a job, I can manage. We'd have a good time, and Phili has a lot of disk and people my age. Right now that is where I'm not getting anywhere, which brings me to the conversation Angela and I had on my way home from work today...

Angela is having a few issues with boys she's finding around TN. I'm not surprised these days, as the boys I've come across are just as inconsistent as the ones she is coming across. She is in a similar state of affairs as I am with Joe. We are in some sort of 'relationship' with guys who do not seem to appreciate us. They are there when they care to be, and gone when they want to be. We are left waiting, staring at screens wondering if they will decide that they want something to do with us for the time. Now, that isn't necessarily the way it needs to work, and I'm not saying it is right. But, we are two girls who are very used to men/boys leaving. We are used to them getting tired of us and moving on without saying anything. We are afraid each day to the next that our boy has decided this day he doesn't want anything to do with us. So yes, we try and start conversations occasionally, but we are very sensitive to the way the conversation goes. We worry all the time that they will kick us to the curb so easily.
We don't know how to start a conversation when we know we want to talk to them, want to talk to them all the time. We don't want to seem clingy, or pushy. We don't want to give them a reason to turn away, again. We don't know what to do, because we haven't ever kept a guy around long enough to know what works.
We're confident, and we're insecure. We're unhappy, and we are in love. We just don't know what we have to do to make things right. We want these guys in our lives, but we are left sitting, waiting, not knowing what they really think. We are so careful to do nothing wrong that we kill the whole idea of our 'relationships'. We're smart, we're talented, we're beautiful. But we think we're always doing something wrong. We're insecure, and we're unhappy, and we're unsure of ourselves. We can't figure out what it is that we have to do to make things right. We are angry, disappointed, we're lonely. We don't understand. We feel like we're in the middle of playing games. We don't like being left stranded, and we hate being alone at the end of such hard work for us.
We're trying to be the girls that our guys want. We're doing out best to keep these guys in our lives, but we've lost, or we're losing. I don't know what to do anymore. I want Joe in my life. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. Maybe he doesn't get the messages I leave or left on his Aim. He says I'm not trying. I'm trying not to be clingy, to say the right thing, to not let him have a doubt about wanting me in his life. I'm insecure about it damn it. I don't know what is 'right' to do. I would talk to him all day every day if I could. That is just how I feel. I come across things I want to show him, things I want to tell him about. But, right now, I'm just not sure he wants anything to do with me. And I did that, partially, the same way he did.
And it isn't just our choices which are getting to us. We are trying to keep guys who don't communicate. Guys who are probably as insecure as we are. Guys who wait for us to make a move, wait for us to tell them what we feel and what we want. We wait, and they wait. They vanish or they fall out of touch and it hurts us. They appear not to realize that what they do and say really hurts us. They don't really watch what they say, and, they don't realize what we are hurting when they're not around. They don't realize that we're insecure, and that what we really want is them. It doesn't matter what they think of themselves. We chose them. I chose Joe because of who he is. He isn't perfect, and neither am I. I don't expect him to be, and I don't want to change him. I just want him in my life. He's in my dreams, in my thoughts, in my heart. I want to tell him I love him. But, perhaps now that cannot really be said. Maybe it is too late -- to late to heal.
It drives me crazy that I feel as though he fades out. I don't know why it feels that way, but it does. We talk less. We don't talk about anything 'deep' like we used to. We both do it, as though we reach a point where we have to end it or really go forwards. It kills me that he does this. It breaks my heart, or what is left of it. I really thought we were getting somewhere this time. I really thought that five months was something to be pretty proud of, since we hadn't managed to keep in touch that much ever before. What the heck happened? What is going on?
We spend so much time being afraid of doing something wrong which will make them drop us, that we don't ask the important questions. We don't push where we need to push, because we are afraid that they'd rather leave than push back and show us that they care about us. We don't know what to do anymore. There are plenty of guys, yes, but the right ones are so hard to find -- so few and far between.
There are other guys who want to be in my life. But I don't 'feel' them. I don't know what it is about Joe. It is undeniable that we have some spark -- some something which makes us want to be with the other -- but, I'm just not so sure about what the heck is going on sometimes. I wish so hard to forget. But I can't. So what now? Where do Angela and I go from here? How do we spell it out? How do we make sure that we are who we are with these boys? How do we make sure we don't lose the one who really counts?

that is it for the night....
~M

So my little sister got curious and started asking Joe questions....


Joanne Reid
10:55
so talk to me?

Joe Spizzirri (Autoreply)
10:55
and boom goes the dynamite
hey
why would i not talk to you?
im just petrified of you

Joanne Reid
10:57
so whats the deal?

Joe Spizzirri
10:58
I think Em and i drifted cause of distance
i can't deal with it

Joanne Reid
10:59
well i don't really think there was any trying involved...

Joe Spizzirri
10:59
are you serious?

Joanne Reid
10:59
do tell me how you tried...
just to help me out

Joe Spizzirri
10:59
tell me how she tried?

Joanne Reid
10:59
i am just asking

Joe Spizzirri
11:00
well we talked, and i visted a few times
i just had a struggle to deal with us being so far away from each other
and i feel like when i started to talk to her less, she didn't initiate things at all
so then when i get caught up in work and stuff we just stopped talking
i don't wanna give the wrong impression

Joanne Reid
11:01
because she would wait to see if you would try and talk to her

Joe Spizzirri
11:01
what if i was doing the same thing?

Joanne Reid
11:01
same thin? like what?

Joe Spizzirri
11:01
same thing she was doing?
what if i was waiting to see what she would do?

Joanne Reid
11:02
i donno...

Joe Spizzirri
11:02
that's not what i was doing, but she didn't really seem to try

Joanne Reid
11:03
bc she was doing the same thing to you

Joe Spizzirri
11:03
so when i lost track of us, she didn't seem to care

Joanne Reid
11:04
oh she didn't care?
wow

Joe Spizzirri
11:04
you live with her jo
when she never talks to me or reaches out that's what it seems like
i mean ultiamtely it's my fault.. but i don't feel like theere was too much effot on either side

Joanne Reid
11:07
well you didn't seem to have reached out to her either

Joe Spizzirri
11:07
i know
but it's a two way road
neither of us were on it

Joanne Reid
11:07
i know but still

Joe Spizzirri
11:08
it's both of our faults
it's not fun
it kidna sucks
but that's what it is

Joanne Reid
11:09
but i mean i was there your convos were short, you wouldn't text back

Joe Spizzirri
11:09
ok, blame me for it then

Joanne Reid
11:09
i am just saying


oanne Reid
11:12
do you care?

Joe Spizzirri
11:12
yes i care
but what do you want me to say?
i felt like we drifted and no one cared

Joanne Reid
11:14
well what are your intentions now?

Joe Spizzirri
11:15
with what?

Joanne Reid
11:15
where are you going to go from here?

Joe Spizzirri
11:15
i have no idea
where does she wanna go?


Joanne Reid
11:23
i don't get it
...
i'd say that not untrue
...

Joe Spizzirri
11:25
it's not a forgone conclusion
but there is not much hope in all honesty
specially if she really does move to CA

Joanne Reid
11:26
so she is not worth trying to make that work?
i mean that is the question
i mean my brother made it across the ocean...

Joe Spizzirri
11:26
oh

Joanne Reid
11:26
it all depends on whats in the heart
and if you want it that bad...
you can't just say distance, that means nothing

Joe Spizzirri
11:26
she's worth it, but she's not tryin other

Joanne Reid
11:27
i made it 8 months, and would still be going if he did not cheat on me

Joe Spizzirri
11:27
with all do respect, distance is not nothing

Joanne Reid
11:27
if you want it that bad you can make it work

Joe Spizzirri
11:27
right
you made it 8 months
he didn't

Joanne Reid
11:27
he did

Joe Spizzirri
11:27
ok

Joanne Reid
11:27
he was up here with me for 10 days after, the night he got home from up here he cheated

Joe Spizzirri
11:27
i'm not that strong

Joanne Reid
11:27
well then it all comes to what you want
and if she is not that then tell me now

Joe Spizzirri
11:28
there is nothing to tell you

Joanne Reid
11:28
nothing
what do you mean by nothing?

Joe Spizzirri
11:28
i have nothing to say to that
there is no response that i can come up with
i don't want to go after something when i don't have a consistent idea of what we're doing

Joanne Reid
11:30
well you could if both of you tried
and not sat there and were both like well i am waiting for him/ or vise versa

Joe Spizzirri
11:31
probably true

Joanne Reid
11:32
well then i think i need to stop being the goto about all this and you two need to figure it out
i can't fix everything. i just try because i care about my sister and this shit is not cool
i know its not all you, and i know she should have made the move a couple times but your insecurity about the distance shuts her down.
because it is like saying she is not good enough to make it work, it hurts


Joe Spizzirri
11:34Joe Spizzirri
11:35
that im not ready for that kidna commitment

Joanne Reid
11:35
then couldn't you have said that and not some other excuse?
get real come on, this is not high school anymore
that's kina a depressing way to think about it


Joe Spizzirri
11:36
haha, wow
you are just insulting and clueless

Joanne Reid
11:37
insulting?

Joe Spizzirri
11:37
yes
it's not high school
it's real life

Joanne Reid
11:37
exactly
then why say it is not the distance, and that you're just not ready for the commitment..
why come up with something else
that is the high school part

Joe Spizzirri
11:38
no
im not ready for a distance relationship
if she was here it's a different thing

Joanne Reid
11:38
but you just said it was the commitment.

Joe Spizzirri
11:35
that im not ready for that kidna commitment

Joe Spizzirri
11:38
due to distance

Joanne Reid
11:38
but just distance is not good enough

Joe Spizzirri
11:39
ok
i know i can't do it cause of distance
the end

Joanne Reid
11:39
but then again who says your worth her loving you anyway. don't ever say that kind of thing about me. I was sitting here nicely trying to help my sister out because i love her. so whatever, and goodnight

Joanne Reid
11:34
well how else should she think of it?
i mean come on
you don't give her any other reason besides distance... so what is that supposed to say?




So, what do you think folks? My little sister is a peach. She does this because she's upset that I'm getting hurt. I just don't know what to say anymore. OI. The decision about carmel is very hard.


The store here is not very organized and such. I don't know what to do about this. We haven't talked money, and it is gonna take a lot to keep me here. There isn't much around I guess. Maybe I'll see more I like on Sat when I get to drive around with Veronica. Veronica is pretty awesome. I like her a lot. She's pretty interesting when it comes down to it. She just can't do everything on her own.


I don't know what I want to do with my life. I need to deal with these things and try and figure out where i want to go with the rest of my life. I need to know money from these people and see if they can even afford to have me out here. They're talking apartments, I just want to know what they're going to be paying me. I don't really know what else to say but that. I need to know something.


If I come to CA things are going to be very over with Joe. Though I'm not sure that is what I really feel I want. I know it would be better for me to get away. hell, we'd probably communicate better if I was always up three hours later -- cause for once he'd be around to talk. I can't deal with him and his lack of communication. he says I didn't try. I initiated many times, and he just sort of blew me off or didn't want to have a conversation. I am just not so happy with this. I also just don't know what to do. So yeah, he has commitment issues...what else is new??


Anyway, I'd love comments and input. Thanks folks.


<3
M

OMG CALIFORNIA

Well, I'm officially in California. I got in yesterday and I'm writing at some absurd time on the east coast. It feels a little weird to be awake when I know how early it is back home.

The days before the flight were rather nerve wracking and I was pretty nervous about doing this on my own. The flight was long. 5 hours on a plane is just too long. I then had to go and find my baggage which wasn't fun because we got in early and they kept moving the baggage to different offload areas. It was a pain in the butt. Finally, with the help of a few CA natives I'd met before the plane ride, we managed to discover our luggage and get to our next adventure.

I had to go and get a rental car. that kinda sucked. I rented from Fox, which is rather sketchy. Got a freaking PT cruiser. Which was the one car I didn't want to have to drive. Lovely. Then it was a two hour drive to Carmel where I've been for the past day.

Yesterday, Bob, the manager of the Carmel store, met me at the hotel and took me around to the store and all around Carmel. We walked around on the beach and talked about Carmel and store things, as well as getting off on a few very good tangents which were...awesome to say the least.

We went to dinner at a local bar and watched the games while we were chatting and eating.

Today was hanging out, and by that I mean working with Bob at the store. I met Veronica, and she is another girl who works there. She's 22 and rather reminds me of people who are very judgmental of people they are just meeting for the first time. It is rather interesting to be here and doing this. I almost felt as though this day would not end up coming. I'm surprised by the fact that things are going rather well, and i'm happy that we ended up doing very well for a Monday at the store. I hope we can keep up the high numbers so that they really understand who they are dealing with. if the sales stay up perhaps they'll realize that they need to offer me a rather large sum of money and help me move out there. I think they will though. I'm rather looking forward to trying to be on my own. I mean, I come, and if for some reason I fail, my family is always behind me. But to pass up this adventure would be to pass up the chance to really change my life.

I'll have to figure out what will go on with my life for these days to come. Joe is still on my mind, and I still feel angry and used. I'm not pleased about it, but, I don't want to deal with it anymore. He doesn't have the time or the want to be with me, and he refuses to try. It is so odd to me that things are ending up as they have every time before even after we swore to try harder and figure things out. We had a good run of it, for us, but in the end it turned out the same way it began. We, or rather, he, blew it. I don't understand any of it. I can't say I ever have. He comes back, says everything is different and that it will change, and yet, it ends the same way. With him fading out and then wanting to stay in my life just a little bit...

He started talking to me tonight. He doesn't understand anything I say. He doesn't get that he has hurt me, horribly. He doesn't get that I don't really want to be friends with him -- as much as, at the same time -- I want to be with him so badly. I want him to miss me, to realize he made a mistake. I don't want to feel like I'm the only one who actually cares about this -- the only one who hurts. Somehow I'll deal with it. I just have to make sure that I"m making the right choices and not using this in California as an escape. I don't want to hide, which is why I carry on conversations with him when he wants to -- because as much as I don't want anything to do with him, I crave his attention, and want him to actually care about me. Because somehow I can't figure out how someone can go from caring about you so much to not caring at all. What happened Joe? What happened this time when everything seemed to be going so right?

I have a lot of choices to make pretty soon, so I hope that somehow I can make them, even when I feel numb. Right now, I just feel numb. My heart doesn't flutter the same way when I talk to him. I cannot muster the excitement I used to have. All I used to want was a chance with him. But, I guess I won't get that, can't get that. I just have to be okay with that -- somehow. One of these days, I'll feel like someone (a boyfriend type someone) loves me and genuinely cares about me. I hope that day comes soon. Because I cannot take much more of this.

Anyway, thinking happy thoughts from Carmel, CA! I feel a little like I'm playing where's Waldo :-).

~M