Well, I'm officially in California. I got in yesterday and I'm writing at some absurd time on the east coast. It feels a little weird to be awake when I know how early it is back home.
The days before the flight were rather nerve wracking and I was pretty nervous about doing this on my own. The flight was long. 5 hours on a plane is just too long. I then had to go and find my baggage which wasn't fun because we got in early and they kept moving the baggage to different offload areas. It was a pain in the butt. Finally, with the help of a few CA natives I'd met before the plane ride, we managed to discover our luggage and get to our next adventure.
I had to go and get a rental car. that kinda sucked. I rented from Fox, which is rather sketchy. Got a freaking PT cruiser. Which was the one car I didn't want to have to drive. Lovely. Then it was a two hour drive to Carmel where I've been for the past day.
Yesterday, Bob, the manager of the Carmel store, met me at the hotel and took me around to the store and all around Carmel. We walked around on the beach and talked about Carmel and store things, as well as getting off on a few very good tangents which were...awesome to say the least.
We went to dinner at a local bar and watched the games while we were chatting and eating.
Today was hanging out, and by that I mean working with Bob at the store. I met Veronica, and she is another girl who works there. She's 22 and rather reminds me of people who are very judgmental of people they are just meeting for the first time. It is rather interesting to be here and doing this. I almost felt as though this day would not end up coming. I'm surprised by the fact that things are going rather well, and i'm happy that we ended up doing very well for a Monday at the store. I hope we can keep up the high numbers so that they really understand who they are dealing with. if the sales stay up perhaps they'll realize that they need to offer me a rather large sum of money and help me move out there. I think they will though. I'm rather looking forward to trying to be on my own. I mean, I come, and if for some reason I fail, my family is always behind me. But to pass up this adventure would be to pass up the chance to really change my life.
I'll have to figure out what will go on with my life for these days to come. Joe is still on my mind, and I still feel angry and used. I'm not pleased about it, but, I don't want to deal with it anymore. He doesn't have the time or the want to be with me, and he refuses to try. It is so odd to me that things are ending up as they have every time before even after we swore to try harder and figure things out. We had a good run of it, for us, but in the end it turned out the same way it began. We, or rather, he, blew it. I don't understand any of it. I can't say I ever have. He comes back, says everything is different and that it will change, and yet, it ends the same way. With him fading out and then wanting to stay in my life just a little bit...
He started talking to me tonight. He doesn't understand anything I say. He doesn't get that he has hurt me, horribly. He doesn't get that I don't really want to be friends with him -- as much as, at the same time -- I want to be with him so badly. I want him to miss me, to realize he made a mistake. I don't want to feel like I'm the only one who actually cares about this -- the only one who hurts. Somehow I'll deal with it. I just have to make sure that I"m making the right choices and not using this in California as an escape. I don't want to hide, which is why I carry on conversations with him when he wants to -- because as much as I don't want anything to do with him, I crave his attention, and want him to actually care about me. Because somehow I can't figure out how someone can go from caring about you so much to not caring at all. What happened Joe? What happened this time when everything seemed to be going so right?
I have a lot of choices to make pretty soon, so I hope that somehow I can make them, even when I feel numb. Right now, I just feel numb. My heart doesn't flutter the same way when I talk to him. I cannot muster the excitement I used to have. All I used to want was a chance with him. But, I guess I won't get that, can't get that. I just have to be okay with that -- somehow. One of these days, I'll feel like someone (a boyfriend type someone) loves me and genuinely cares about me. I hope that day comes soon. Because I cannot take much more of this.
Anyway, thinking happy thoughts from Carmel, CA! I feel a little like I'm playing where's Waldo :-).
~M
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