Here we go...

Well, "The Lovely Bones" continues and I have to say that it is quite interesting. I'm still not quite sure what to make of it. The main character is Omnipotent and right now I feel as though this leaves me very little to work with. Basically, this is the story of the family's coping. It is quite weird. I feel like the author has just found a different way to write of the story of a family who has lost a daughter to murder. I mean, there doesn't seem to be much special about this book right now. I've read varying review of it lately, and some say wonderful and others say it sucks. There aren't too many in-between reviews. I cannot imagine what else is going to be happening in this story. The family is falling apart, and the dead daughter is just watching it from heaven. Her heaven is very strange. It is almost a high school structure, with no structure. It is very very strange. She doesn't have to go to class, but she is stuck there. She has a gazebo where she sits, and she watches the lives below her fall apart. It is getting to a point where she doesn't want to watch anymore. They say, that first the dead must let go of the living, before the living can let go of the dead.

Otherwise, I'm getting up at 3 to go watch a meteor shower, and then I'm going back to bed. So, enough for now. I'm on chapter 13 of this book, and there is much more to go.

~M

New Book Time

Welcome back my friends, to the wandering mind which never ceases, even to sleep. It has been a long few days of rain and I find myself introspective today. It has been weeks since everything major has happened, and I’m settling back into the ever-changing life that was mine before and is still after. What comes next I’m not really sure. So, from here it will be day to day of searching for a new job, no matter where that search takes me, as long as it isn’t the coast of California . Haha.

I’m starting to blog about some books again and right now the book of choice is a rather deep semi crazy book The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. This book was just released at the end of last month and I haven’t heard too many critiques of it so far. I’m pretty thrilled to be reading this book. It caught my eye at Costco the other day and I didn’t buy it, and then today, I managed to forget everything I’d planned to bring to work, so I headed to Borders Express and this book, yet again, caught my eye. I only have to be told twice. I’ve picked it up and read the first two chapters. They leave me feeling as though I need to deeply exhale. The weight of the words in this book is enormous. Here is the back cover expose on the book. A quite interesting read so far, I would recommend it to readers, but, it has only been two chapters. I’m already aching to read more about what is happening in this story.

Back Cover:

“My name was Salmon, like the fish; first name, Suzie. I was fourteen when I was murdered on December 6, 1973.”

            So begins the story of Suzie Salmon, who is adjusting to her new home in heaven, a place that is not at all what she expected, even as she is watching life on earth continue without her—her friends trading rumors about her disappearance, her killer trying to cover his tracks, her grief-stricken family unraveling.

            Out of unspeakable tragedy and loss, The Lovely Bones succeeds, miraculously, in building a tale filled with hope, humor, suspense, even joy.

That is it, for now. I’m heading into chapter three. I’ll let you know how it goes. When this one is finished there are ten others awaiting reading and review. I kinda feel like I’m back in English lit classes at school. Yay book reports. Can you imagine? I’m actually missing doing class work and book reviews. I’ve always loved writing about what I’m reading, and now I’m combining it with a journal that I’ve recently created to just write day to day. I’ll upload some of the entries from the last journal (deleted) on Jodi Picoult, who is a MUST READ author – well, most of her books are must reads. Some are…don’t waste your time reads… So, here we go… adventure time. So many books, so little time. I’m really looking forward to a lot of books, Perhaps tonight I’ll make a list of the ones I need to read and why I’m reading them. I’ll try and put them in some semblance of reading order!

Till then,

~M

Rainy Weekend Ponderings...

The Greeks believed that once there were not male and no female, that all souls were one. That there were bodies with four arms and four legs, and two heads and one soul. Then, the souls were torn apart, male and female were created. The Greeks thought that when you found the other half of your soul, your soul mate, that it would be your perfect match and perfect lover. But I think that if you find your other half, you would be too much alike to be lovers, but you would still be soul mates.

I want the dreams to stop. I want to stop thinking, "oh a text, I wonder if it is Joe." I want that to go away. Please. I don't need to want to talk to him, to need to feel him around. I tried leaving a message on his aim, and he either didn't get it, or didn't care. Whatever. I can't deal with this shit. Sometimes it hurts more than others, but right now, it really just sucks. A couple days ago it was really bad, but right now it is getting a little better day by day... Argh.

Seulement

Seulement. Alone. It sounds much less desolate in French. I wish, that I felt less desolate about being alone.  Right now, there is nothing less desolate about it right now. I'm jaded? Yeah, I'm jaded. I'm angry. I'm hurt, and I'm alone. I guess that is just how it goes. I miss Joe, but I'm feeling better as these days just keep going on and on and on. There isn't much I can do, I guess. I mean, I feel like I threw myself under the preverbal bus, or tractor trailer. I always thought that, as long as I wasn't getting emotionally screwed by him, it was the best thing that had ever happened to me. But, perhaps I've always looked at this the wrong way. I can't imagine that things could actually be good. there is too much past, too much history.

Tonight, Tonight sucks.

I have good nights and bad nights. Last night was a bad night, and tonight will probably be a very bad night for someone I care a lot about. But, I don't feel like writing it right now. Perhaps I'll have the breakdown later...

Hrm, life, life, life... What the hell

Well, I think what the hell sums it up pretty well. What the freaking hell is going on these days? I'm still dealing with my shit, and the crazy freaking dreams are not helping.  I had another one a few days ago. There have been two, completely un-related dreams in the last week.
Dream 1:
A friend of mine had told me about some issues that he was having with is latest business deal. It wasn't going all that well, and, it seems to me that he needed some guidance. Well, he got it all right, right through me. Jason is pretty damn religious, and I woke up after my dream knowing that I HAD (no question) to talk to him about what I'd seen in my dream. The message was, "she's not important to your plan, she would have blown it all in the future. Go on anyway, you'll make it without her. Have faith." That was an interesting dream. After that one came the more disturbing one.
Dream 2:
I still don't like the new 'no eyebrow' trend which is popping up in pop art as well as high end fashion. I never liked it before, and I don't like it now. The dream I had was very scary. Joe was in it, as we all well know he went through a phase when he had no eyebrows. I guess he was easy to picture that way. We were having a conversation and it was aggressive and passive at turns, but the difference between the two was whether or not he had eyebrows. Towards the end of the dream he was in my face and the eyebrows were gone and he was looking at me in a way I can't even begin to explain. Threatening, and sad at the same time. It was really strange. It left me feeling rather disconcerted through the whole thing. I wasn't happy when I woke up, but, I mean, what a freaking strange dream. I don't like dreaming about Joe, but I have had them on and off for years, especially when I'm feeling sad, depressed, or lonely. I guess that is just how it goes. The dreams are either great and happy and whatever, or they are traumatizing and stressful. They make me remember a past I don't need to remember, and I don't want to remember anymore.
There isn't hope there anymore. No matter what happens next, there isn't anything left. I'm not even left her anymore. Maybe I didn't go to California, but I'm still here, and I may be heading somewhere else. I just need to. I can't play these games anymore. Maybe it is time to work hard core over Christmas, make a killing, quit and go travel the way I've wanted to for years. maybe I won't come back after all. There isn't too much left for me somedays, and these days are no exception. I love my friends, and my family, but I need more than that in my life right now. I don't want bullshit and games anymore. I'm ready and yearning to be in a 'normal' relationship. I can't deal with things falling through anymore. It is killing me, and I will not play these games again.

So, outside of my life, this has been an interesting week for a few of my friends. Anne is having trouble with her boy. They've been dating for months now and suddenly, within the span of two weeks, his communication which used to be every day has fallen away to once and a while, and now nothing. He seems to be gone completely. Anne noticed a few weeks ago that the conversations were not what they used to be, and things seemed strained or stressed. I know that feeling. Now, two weeks later, he is awol and completely out of touch. He used to talk to her a couple times a day, and now he's gone completely. She's so upset and hurt. Unfortunately, I know how she feels, and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't make her feel better.
Peter basically dropped off the face of the earth. It was such a dick move. I had never thought that my friends would have to go through the same things I did. It hurt so much, like a hole had been ripped through me. It hurts a little less each and each consecutive time. But, why go back for more? Well, like Anne has said, if Peter comes back, she'd go back with him, and he'd most likely pull the same thing again. Why is that? Joe comes in and out of my life and I'm a freaking mess, but I don't want to be that anymore. At least now I know. At least now I know what I do and don't want to do anymore. Playing games is not my forte.
Anne now has to deal with everything which has fallen on her plate. I remember the way I felt and I cannot help her feel the way I've come to feel now. Everything is raw and it is painful. I'm sorry for her, because I never want anyone else to feel the way I have when someone disappears out of your life. It is scary, and it is painful. You're left with questions which are most likely never answered. I though I was the only one who had this issue with guys. Or with a guy...as the case may be.

What fun.
I think that is it for the night.
<3
~M

The Dating Scene

Throwing yourself into the dating scene isn't easy, apparently. I can meet multiple people and not get anything from any of them. *shrugs* I haven't met someone who has turned my head in quite a while. I guess maybe I'm picky. I'm done being wrapped up in this crap with Joe. It tears me down all the time. I really just don't like feeling this way. I want to be doing something more and getting somewhere else rather than waiting to see what else happens. I'm so over and done.
I guess I just have to wait and see what happens. I mean, I need someone who doesn't take themselves so seriously. I need to find these fun people from MLIA. It just needs to happen sometimes.
I've begun writing again. Letters, notes, and such for fun. I've been thinking very heavily about writing that novel which has been in my head for so long. I think it is about time I made major headway into the things I've written and those that I long to write. Someday, maybe, I'll see my name on that best sellers list and then we'll see who remembers the girl who always used to talk about wanting to be published... One can only hope. Who will remember, and who will have forgotten.

Well, that is it for now, still kinda down and doing my best to re-surface.

~M