Hormones and Pot

          This week has been a tough one for me. Between the drop in hormones, cramps, and migraines, I've been very unhappy. Reduced to tears at most moments of deep thought I've gravitated into a place where I'm thinking overmuch about things and stressing out more than I really want to. It doesn't mean that I'm emotional and cannot think straight, but that I think more about the negatives than the positivees in my life. There are going to be stressers either way you look at life, but in particular when I get good and stressed and have my hormones going crazy, it doesn't yield good things. Deep truths and things I don't want to admit, even to myself come out, and I almost always wish that they would have stayed in the back of my mind where they belonged.  

          In a more rational mind recently, I find myself happy with the prospect of a new job which I'd rock, and a new place to live with a boy I'm very much in love with. Absolutely crazy how that happens. Such an amazing thing hormones. They so suck. I hate feeling that sad and desparate. I just don't like it. I hate feeling that weakness. I just can't stand that feeling. I hate thinking too much and I hate being worried about where my life is going.
          I hate worrying about things going with Joe. I hate being worried that he'll change his mind, or find someone else. He's everything I thought I always wanted, and every hitch is just another worry. I'm worried about losing him before this whole thing has a chance to play out. 
         Well, off of the hormones and onto the smoking issue. IT is an issue. I believe that it happens too often and I don't love that he picks on me a bit more when he is high than when he is not. He has said multiple times that it won't happen as often if I'm around and living up there... I'm worried, but I have the hopes that this can change. It makes me wonder, sometimes, if I'm not good enough for him to be around sober. I'm sure that is pretty wrong and all, but i can't help that it makes me feel that way sometimes. 
         Well, end of story for the time being... lots of stuff going on... waiting for MontBlanc interview number 2. Trying to feel wanted, and doing okay with it, but... still having a few rougher days here and there... It is amazing to have him really in my life, and scary at the same time because of the nature of our relationships in the past. I'm doing my best to forget the past, this time is very different (though that has been said so many times i make myself sick wirting it again.) But, for us. This is something else.


Here is to hoping,
~M