My life at the Moment

Day to day I'm growing more into what my future might actually end up being at some point. I'm looking forward to it, and I'm scared of it at the same time. I am pretty happy with my life at the moment, though I have trouble from time to time being able to really know what is going on. I'm not certain how to just be sometimes. I'm so used to the same old things that I am not quite sure I really know how to just sit back and relax. I'm not use to the whole 'girlfriend' role. I don't know, really, what I'm supposed to be and do most of the time. So, I try to be myself. I am working on that, that and not worrying so much about EVERYTHING. I hate that about my personality and my genetics. If I could change one thing about my life and who I am, I would take away the extreme anxiety and worries that I feel a lot of the time. I don't feel like that is 'me'. I know that I would always be more prone to thinking about other people and ow what I do would effect others, but I wish that I could go without worrying about everything. I'd be less stressed and there would be so much less crap on my mind ALL THE TIME. I really dislike feeling like I'm going crazy because of the way that I think. I swear my mood can change right off the bat and I just don't like it at all.
I'm trying to stay with running more and more and trying to stay more active so that I can do my best to keep the anxiety and such at bay. I'm doing my best and trying to keep open and talking about the things which are on my mind. Joe is good about paying attention to what is going on with me. But, I don't want to feel, or want him to feel, as though that is a requirement of us being together. I'm doing my best, but it is taking some time for me to really feel 'safe' opening up. I don't want to hand him my heart on a platter only to get it minced and served back to me. I always have argued that each time he is back in my life he is different and the situation is different, and if ever, this is the case now. I cannot believe how far we have come in what we are doing. I'm constantly amazed by my twist of fate here. I cannot wait to see where it takes me, and what we have in store for our lives together. Hopefully, we can stay friends if anything does happen to go horribly wrong. I feel like both of us have to fully work out the relationship between us in order to move on in our lives. And, I'm okay with that. We can and will take care of it and I know that we will be able to do what needs doing to get to a happy point. We'd have adorable kids, if we had that happen....

We could have a long future, and I look forward to finding out where this new adventure will take us. I have not yet bound the book with out ending in it, as every time I feel that the ending has been written I'm delighted and frightened to learn that it was yet another chapter in the book about who and what we are. Amazing, sometimes, that we have done this so often. I hope that there is a long life of writing and adventure in front of us... we have the potential, and I can't wait to write it out... I do so love happy endings.