Well, what to write now. I feel that I've been writing more lately, and that is an interesting thing with me. When I'm with Joe, I don't always feel the need or have the motivation to write. I used to just be stressed when he was around and I think that drastically kinked my free flowing ability to wordsmith as he calls it. I guess that is just how it worked out. I spent too much time thinking and worrying about him instead of bothering to begin writing and keep putting things down into words.
Looking back at my journals and my writing, there is a bit of a drastic fall-off when we begin talking again. I write a few entries about the new situation and then continue to write for maybe a week before my writing just falls off all together, that is, all together until he leaves again and I'm back into my head and the words are fair pouring out my ears faster than I can write them down. How does that work out? Not terribly well, but they all escape at some point and then they let me sleep. Wow, that sounds like the rambling of a crazy person! I donno, it really is kinda weird sometimes that when he is around I don't want to write.
This time, however, it is rather different. I haven't lost the words here, haven't lose the will and the drive to write, even though I feel that I am a little unsure of what to write sometimes.... what fun.
So, to continue on the actual update, as the title indicates, there has been an interesting amount of things going on around here. I am currently writing from Joe's couch... Just found out that the interview I came up for has been delayed from Monday to Wednesday. Not the worst thing ever, but it keeps me away from home for more time than I'd planned. That is probably good for me. As much as I love being at 'home' it is high time I wasn't anymore. I just hope everything pans out and I can get on with my life moving forward.
Forward, with and to Joe, that is. We talked, a bunch last night. I guess he feels sometimes that I'm not saying the things which I'm thinking. The only thing I'd not told him was that I loved him, and apparently, that was figured out anyway. I felt, and talked to him about, why I am here with him. He says, sometimes that he doesn't know why I'm here, why I gave him the chances, again and again. He regrets the way he treated me, though I'll always argue that we couldn't force what wasn't going to work. And, it wasn't like he was mean to me, or cheated on me, it really was that he just couldn't be there with me. We both had growing up to do, and though I had less, or grew up faster, I never really had qualms waiting.
Well, maybe I did have times when I wanted to have someone else in my life so badly that I got someone else there. I mean, I dated, just nothing terribly serious. I didn't find what I was looking for. He asked me last night if I though I cared about him because for some many years he didn't like me -- and acted as though he didn't like me. I had never thought about it that way, never wanted him because he was the person I couldn't have. It wasn't ever like that, though I can see that it might have seemed that way from time to time. I guess that is just how it works out sometimes.
I guess that is just how it works for some girls. They do want the people that they cannot have. But, that was never the desire behind why I still cared about him, and I only admitted these feelings much later. I knew that I missed him. I tried to tell myself that I missed the idea of him, that I missed the idea of having someone who cared about you and was so bonded with you... But, those ended rather quickly and that was just how it went. I tried for years not to care, and I did a pretty damn good job of it for a long time. But when we re-connected senior year in college, it was just something which was still there and something which i couldn't disagree with anymore. Too bad -- sometimes you just have to give up and stop fighting things. It just works that way from time to time.... I guess when things were still there for me senir year, I just stopped fighting everything and took what I could get. I was okay with us being friends, as hard as it was sometimes to do that.... But, it worked out.
So, we talked, and we talked about anything which came up. It was good to have a nice long talk. I miss doing that, though we tend to when something bothers us. Hopefully we can continue this communication. I've been really trying to not hold things inside or against him. I have been trying to make myself more clear and trying to msay the things which are on my mind, rather than just holding them inside and away from him. If we are really going to make this work, we have to talk as much as we can and I have to be able to be open and willing to tell him what is going on with me.
I guess sometimes I just expect him to know by the way I act or the things I say, without really saying all of it.... Perhaps he needs to hear it just as much as I do. Funny, we just aren't really sure what is going on sometimes. Maybe we both need a little more assurance than we give one another. We can do that, I know we can. He wants to know more, and I'll figure out a way to make sure that it happes. That is the way these things work...
There were other things going on, and other things we talked about. I guess the only other thing I didn't say was that I think that I might be realizing that I am allergice to latex... this aught to be a fun thing to figure out... welcome to the fml of my life at the moment. Well, I'll figure it out, just like I've figured everything out before.
I guess that is the run down... more later when I've got some more time to write -- which will probably be quite a bit as this week progresses...I have another story idea, so I think that I'll be working on that this week too... Good thing I brought my pens and my books... I'll be using them a bunch -- I do believe...
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