It is so hard to be with and around someone who you know doesn't love you. A couple days after Joe walked out of my life again my mother said to me "Just because you care for someone does not mean that you can help them." Oh how wise my mother has always been. That was at the root of the problem, because I couldn't change Joe from what he was/is to something and someone I knew he could be. It wasn't my job, and frankly, it wasn't fair for him to make the assumption that he did not have to try to be in a relationship with me. I disagree with antyhing and everything that happened in that relationship over the many years it was in action. I guess there isn't anything else for me to do but get away. I'm awaiting job offers from some major people, and hopefully, one of them will take me away from him and away from here. I look forward to it -- and once I'm gone. I'm gone. There is no going back.
I know that most people will never get it, but I'm okay at the moment, though I cried last night. Sometimes you need the tears and time to settle your life and regulate who and what you really are. Sometimes, you just need it. I'm getting there -- though feeling lonely and alienated. I guess that is just how it goes sometimes. I took a chance and I'm not bulletproof. He shot me down and hit vital parts of me I thought I had protected from him. I guess not. But, I'll heal, as all wounded seem to. The scars will stay on the inside and I will learn to find myself being okay just being me. That is what I want more than ever... well, that and being able to go back four months and never start this whole damn buisness with Joe again. But, unfortuantely, I do not have a time machine. That is just how my life works. I guess I will do my best to move on and just see where life decides to take me. So wind, carry me away.
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