So, here we are.

I said goodbye to my grandmother yesterday. I'm not sure I'll ever see her again. Half of me is absolutely destroyed, isn't sleeping, and feels such a immense sense of loss it is overwhelming. The other half of me is so exhausted of her being unhappy and sick. I hate seeing her upset and confused and sick. She hurts, so much, and there isn't much they can do anymore. Part of me wishes that I can be completely unselfish and let her go without feeling hugely upset at her passing away. But, it is so much harder than it seems. I just want her to stop suffering and to stop being so ill and unhappy.
She has stomach cancer, and another tumor down by her pancreas. It is inoperable, and the stomach tumor is blocking the exit from her stomach -- hence why she's been throwing up after eating and losing so much weight. They don't know what they can do about this, and they're not sure they're really going to try anything. She's not really strong enough for surgery, and they're pretty sure that she wouldn't really make it through anything they tried to do. They're not even sure she'll make it through the endoscope procedure they have to do over the next few days.

It is absolutely heartbreaking for me. She was too sick to make it to my graduation, and at this point, she'll never make it to my wedding (like that'll ever happen anyway), and she'll never see her great grand children. She'll never see me have a published novel. She'll never see me succeed in anything right now. All she has seen of me in the last few years is me making bad choices and ending up being unhappy -- Unhappy and still working retail. I feel like a failure, and I don't think she'll be there to see me in a state where I feel like something else.

It's awful -- and I'm stuck here in PA, where I have no one. I don't get to have people around me who care. I don't have someone to turn to here -- exactly what I moved here for. I thought I'd have a person, to care about me, and to hold me when the world was too much for me to handle alone. But, apparently, that is what I get to do. Having people here tell me that "it'll pass" is not what needs to be said, ever. Right now, this will not pass, and I will suffer through it by myself rather than have it sluffed off the way that it already has been sluffed off.

I can't do this alone. But, I got myself into this situation, and now I have to deal with it -- and, apparently, I have to deal with it alone.

well, that is the grandmother update.... prayers and thoughts appreciated.

~M