I hurt.

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.

Cyrill Connolly

It's Over

Well, end of relationship. I don't have a reason -- neither did he when he dumped me. But, I've got to keep moving forward. I hurt, all the time, but people keep telling me it'll get better. I hope so.

We had something amazing. Maybe we aren't meant to be together, though that's all your fault. But I cannot believe that you'd let us lose the connection we had because you're too much of a coward to be friends with me. I hope one day you'll realize what you threw away, and I hope you hurt as much as you have hurt me. How can you completely throw away this connection -- cause we could probably make really good friends... But I'm not going to fight for something you don't care about.

So yes, I hope that one day you'll talk to me again, but, I will live if you don't.

My life at the Moment

Day to day I'm growing more into what my future might actually end up being at some point. I'm looking forward to it, and I'm scared of it at the same time. I am pretty happy with my life at the moment, though I have trouble from time to time being able to really know what is going on. I'm not certain how to just be sometimes. I'm so used to the same old things that I am not quite sure I really know how to just sit back and relax. I'm not use to the whole 'girlfriend' role. I don't know, really, what I'm supposed to be and do most of the time. So, I try to be myself. I am working on that, that and not worrying so much about EVERYTHING. I hate that about my personality and my genetics. If I could change one thing about my life and who I am, I would take away the extreme anxiety and worries that I feel a lot of the time. I don't feel like that is 'me'. I know that I would always be more prone to thinking about other people and ow what I do would effect others, but I wish that I could go without worrying about everything. I'd be less stressed and there would be so much less crap on my mind ALL THE TIME. I really dislike feeling like I'm going crazy because of the way that I think. I swear my mood can change right off the bat and I just don't like it at all.
I'm trying to stay with running more and more and trying to stay more active so that I can do my best to keep the anxiety and such at bay. I'm doing my best and trying to keep open and talking about the things which are on my mind. Joe is good about paying attention to what is going on with me. But, I don't want to feel, or want him to feel, as though that is a requirement of us being together. I'm doing my best, but it is taking some time for me to really feel 'safe' opening up. I don't want to hand him my heart on a platter only to get it minced and served back to me. I always have argued that each time he is back in my life he is different and the situation is different, and if ever, this is the case now. I cannot believe how far we have come in what we are doing. I'm constantly amazed by my twist of fate here. I cannot wait to see where it takes me, and what we have in store for our lives together. Hopefully, we can stay friends if anything does happen to go horribly wrong. I feel like both of us have to fully work out the relationship between us in order to move on in our lives. And, I'm okay with that. We can and will take care of it and I know that we will be able to do what needs doing to get to a happy point. We'd have adorable kids, if we had that happen....

We could have a long future, and I look forward to finding out where this new adventure will take us. I have not yet bound the book with out ending in it, as every time I feel that the ending has been written I'm delighted and frightened to learn that it was yet another chapter in the book about who and what we are. Amazing, sometimes, that we have done this so often. I hope that there is a long life of writing and adventure in front of us... we have the potential, and I can't wait to write it out... I do so love happy endings.

The Caligrapher's Daughter

This book was the first book in a while to keep me reading for a few weeks because I couldn't finish it all at once like I normally do with books. I don't know why it surprises me that there are books which exist which will not be super easy reads for me. It wasn't a hard book to read, but the things that are in the book are very heavy subject matter, and the way that it is written gives a most interesting look at some of the less appealing aspects of the history of the people of Korea. I did have a few issues with the fact that the book itself was written from a bunch of different people's points of view and the names of the characters and the proper names by which they were addressed in Korean society were commonly switched and interchanged. It was a bit hard sometimes to follow the changes in the speaker and the common names throughout. It was to a point where the same sentence in a few places would refer to one character by different names. It made for a bunch of re-reading being necessary to really get the things which the author was trying to say. I didn't really appreciate it sometimes, because it made reading go so much slower.
I enjoyed the story, felt genuinely attached to the main character -- though I really found the relationship between her and her father quite annoying. He blamed her for a lot of things, and in the traditional Korean society, did not even name his daughter, so our character did not really have a name for the whole book. That was weird. The main reason it was so weird was that it wasn't really ever explained fully as to what the heck was going on between this man and his daughter.
I loved the descriptions and the writing style throughout this novel. I rather loved the way that the author took the time to see all the beauty which surrounded our character, even when she was in her unhappiest days. The love story which ended up entertained throughout this piece was beautiful and the thing born of ages where one could marry and never again see one's husband.
Overall I'd say read this book, absolutely. I would advise that you take some time to really sit down and read this. It is heavy and covers many topics from the many years this character lived. It ends with the fall of the Japanese after the atomic bombs were dropped. The ending is a bit sudden, but the book is certainly worth the read. I rather enjoyed it as a break from the normal books I read.

Next on the list, and I hate to admit that though I started it last night, I'm almost completely done with it already....

I read Alice Hoffman's The Ice Queen and have been enraptured by her writing style ever since. I had no idea if this would live up to the first book I read or not... but I knew I had to find out, as Angela highly recommended it and I felt that I really should take it in and read it as she LOVES this book!

Simply stated...

The Time Traveler's Wife

So I just finished reading: The Time Traceler's Wife

I found this book to be rather interesting in the long run. I enjoyed reading the twists and turns of when he knew about things and when he didn't. I loved the way the author wove the words together. I guess there was just something about the way she made just about every reference and metaphor accessible to everyone who read the book. The things she wrote about and the way she wrote them in were just fantastic. I loved her little jaunts into the tangents of society and the way that she worked herself into the overall piece by using almost present day scenarios to make things have a bit more familiarity. I really enjoyed it so I would have to say that it does need to be added to your reading list if it hasn't already been read!


The next book I plan on starting tomorrow: The Caligrapher's Daughter

This book starts with the first few chapters about a Chinese girl who realizes that she does not have a name, and only just comes to think that it is an odd thing because of what others say. I've only gotten a few chapters in (while reading at a Borders @ a mall before dinner). I can't wait to see how this one goes.

     I read a book a little while back, about a paper maker's daughter, but I don't think that was the title, or that the two books are conencted... I'm not sure what the title was, but I'll write a review of it when I remember it... Now, on to reading and such... 

Communication and Negotiations

   Well, what to write now. I feel that I've been writing more lately, and that is an interesting thing with me. When I'm with Joe, I don't always feel the need or have the motivation to write. I used to just be stressed when he was around and I think that drastically kinked my free flowing ability to wordsmith as he calls it. I guess that is just how it worked out. I spent too much time thinking and worrying about him instead of bothering to begin writing and keep putting things down into words.
      Looking back at my journals and my writing, there is a bit of a drastic fall-off when we begin talking again. I write a few entries about the new situation and then continue to write for maybe a week before my writing just falls off all together, that is, all together until he leaves again and I'm back into my head and the words are fair pouring out my ears faster than I can write them down. How does that work out? Not terribly well, but they all escape at some point and then they let me sleep. Wow, that sounds like the rambling of a crazy person! I donno, it really is kinda weird sometimes that when he is around I don't want to write.
     This time, however, it is rather different. I haven't lost the words here, haven't lose the will and the drive to write, even though I feel that I am a little unsure of what to write sometimes.... what fun.
     So, to continue on the actual update, as the title indicates, there has been an interesting amount of things going on around here. I am currently writing from Joe's couch... Just found out that the interview I came up for has been delayed from Monday to Wednesday. Not the worst thing ever, but it keeps me away from home for more time than I'd planned. That is probably good for me. As much as I love being at 'home' it is high time I wasn't anymore. I just hope everything pans out and I can get on with my life moving forward.
     Forward, with and to Joe, that is. We talked, a bunch last night. I guess he feels sometimes that I'm not saying the things which I'm thinking. The only thing I'd not told him was that I loved him, and apparently, that was figured out anyway. I felt, and talked to him about, why I am here with him. He says, sometimes that he doesn't know why I'm here, why I gave him the chances, again and again. He regrets the way he treated me, though I'll always argue that we couldn't force what wasn't going to work. And, it wasn't like he was mean to me, or cheated on me, it really was that he just couldn't be there with me. We both had growing up to do, and though I had less, or grew up faster, I never really had qualms waiting.
    Well, maybe I did have times when I wanted to have someone else in my life so badly that I got someone else there. I mean, I dated, just nothing terribly serious. I didn't find what I was looking for. He asked me last night if I though I cared about him because for some many years he didn't like me -- and acted as though he didn't like me. I had never thought about it that way, never wanted him because he was the person I couldn't have. It wasn't ever like that, though I can see that it might have seemed that way from time to time. I guess that is just how it works out sometimes.
     I guess that is just how it works for some girls. They do want the people that they cannot have. But, that was never the desire behind why I still cared about him, and I only admitted these feelings much later. I knew that I missed him. I tried to tell myself that I missed the idea of him, that I missed the idea of having someone who cared about you and was so bonded with you... But, those ended rather quickly and that was just how it went. I tried for years not to care, and I did a pretty damn good job of it for a long time. But when we re-connected senior year in college, it was just something which was still there and something which i couldn't disagree with anymore. Too bad -- sometimes you just have to give up and stop fighting things. It just works that way from time to time.... I guess when things were still there for me senir year, I just stopped fighting everything and took what I could get. I was okay with us being friends, as hard as it was sometimes to do that.... But, it worked out.
     So, we talked, and we talked about anything which came up. It was good to have a nice long talk. I miss doing that, though we tend to when something bothers us. Hopefully we can continue this communication. I've been really trying to not hold things inside or against him. I have been trying to make myself more clear and trying to msay the things which are on my mind, rather than just holding them inside and away from him. If we are really going to make this work, we have to talk as much as we can and I have to be able to be open and willing to tell him what is going on with me.
     I guess sometimes I just expect him to know by the way I act or the things I say, without really saying all of it.... Perhaps he needs to hear it just as much as I do. Funny, we just aren't really sure what is going on sometimes. Maybe we both need a little more assurance than we give one another. We can do that, I know we can. He wants to know more, and I'll figure out a way to make sure that it happes. That is the way these things work...

There were other things going on, and other things we talked about. I guess the only other thing I didn't say was that I think that I might be realizing that I am allergice to latex... this aught to be a fun thing to figure out... welcome to the fml of my life at the moment. Well, I'll figure it out, just like I've figured everything out before.

I guess that is the run down... more later when I've got some more time to write -- which will probably be quite a bit as this week progresses...I have another story idea, so I think that I'll be working on that this week too... Good thing I brought my pens and my books... I'll be using them a bunch -- I do believe...