Well, I'm officially in California. I got in yesterday and I'm writing at some absurd time on the east coast. It feels a little weird to be awake when I know how early it is back home.
The days before the flight were rather nerve wracking and I was pretty nervous about doing this on my own. The flight was long. 5 hours on a plane is just too long. I then had to go and find my baggage which wasn't fun because we got in early and they kept moving the baggage to different offload areas. It was a pain in the butt. Finally, with the help of a few CA natives I'd met before the plane ride, we managed to discover our luggage and get to our next adventure.
I had to go and get a rental car. that kinda sucked. I rented from Fox, which is rather sketchy. Got a freaking PT cruiser. Which was the one car I didn't want to have to drive. Lovely. Then it was a two hour drive to Carmel where I've been for the past day.
Yesterday, Bob, the manager of the Carmel store, met me at the hotel and took me around to the store and all around Carmel. We walked around on the beach and talked about Carmel and store things, as well as getting off on a few very good tangents which were...awesome to say the least.
We went to dinner at a local bar and watched the games while we were chatting and eating.
Today was hanging out, and by that I mean working with Bob at the store. I met Veronica, and she is another girl who works there. She's 22 and rather reminds me of people who are very judgmental of people they are just meeting for the first time. It is rather interesting to be here and doing this. I almost felt as though this day would not end up coming. I'm surprised by the fact that things are going rather well, and i'm happy that we ended up doing very well for a Monday at the store. I hope we can keep up the high numbers so that they really understand who they are dealing with. if the sales stay up perhaps they'll realize that they need to offer me a rather large sum of money and help me move out there. I think they will though. I'm rather looking forward to trying to be on my own. I mean, I come, and if for some reason I fail, my family is always behind me. But to pass up this adventure would be to pass up the chance to really change my life.
I'll have to figure out what will go on with my life for these days to come. Joe is still on my mind, and I still feel angry and used. I'm not pleased about it, but, I don't want to deal with it anymore. He doesn't have the time or the want to be with me, and he refuses to try. It is so odd to me that things are ending up as they have every time before even after we swore to try harder and figure things out. We had a good run of it, for us, but in the end it turned out the same way it began. We, or rather, he, blew it. I don't understand any of it. I can't say I ever have. He comes back, says everything is different and that it will change, and yet, it ends the same way. With him fading out and then wanting to stay in my life just a little bit...
He started talking to me tonight. He doesn't understand anything I say. He doesn't get that he has hurt me, horribly. He doesn't get that I don't really want to be friends with him -- as much as, at the same time -- I want to be with him so badly. I want him to miss me, to realize he made a mistake. I don't want to feel like I'm the only one who actually cares about this -- the only one who hurts. Somehow I'll deal with it. I just have to make sure that I"m making the right choices and not using this in California as an escape. I don't want to hide, which is why I carry on conversations with him when he wants to -- because as much as I don't want anything to do with him, I crave his attention, and want him to actually care about me. Because somehow I can't figure out how someone can go from caring about you so much to not caring at all. What happened Joe? What happened this time when everything seemed to be going so right?
I have a lot of choices to make pretty soon, so I hope that somehow I can make them, even when I feel numb. Right now, I just feel numb. My heart doesn't flutter the same way when I talk to him. I cannot muster the excitement I used to have. All I used to want was a chance with him. But, I guess I won't get that, can't get that. I just have to be okay with that -- somehow. One of these days, I'll feel like someone (a boyfriend type someone) loves me and genuinely cares about me. I hope that day comes soon. Because I cannot take much more of this.
Anyway, thinking happy thoughts from Carmel, CA! I feel a little like I'm playing where's Waldo :-).
~M
Monday, September 21, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Regrets?
Well, I wrote a whole entry at work today about the old men who visit us regularly at the store. And then it deleted it. ...
Basically, they are both gentlemen who want to be remembered. I don't really feel like writing a ton on it again as it was soooo long the first time. They want to talk to someone who cares, and someone who listens. They want their stories to be remembered. They are around a lot...so it is always nice to hear from them every week. They're great men and I wish their families appreciated them as they should. One of them has very ungrateful grandchildren. They told him they wouldn't use pens which he'd collected for years before they were even born. They told him they were useless, and that is just so disrespectful to me. You don't do that to your grandparents. UGH. I will never forget these two men. They have changed frowns to smiles so many times, just because they always remember to stop in and say hi :-) I'll never forget them.
Anyway, one of them said recently, that he regretted everything he didn't do in his childhood. The pain I felt in his voice brought tears to my eyes. He was old enough that he did not have the ability to do all of the things he regretted not doing. I don't want to do that. I don't want to feel that way when I'm older. I want to achieve everything and leave out nothing. Here is to adventures, and never being scared to try a new thing! I promise to take the offered adventures, and to make the best of all of them!
Basically, they are both gentlemen who want to be remembered. I don't really feel like writing a ton on it again as it was soooo long the first time. They want to talk to someone who cares, and someone who listens. They want their stories to be remembered. They are around a lot...so it is always nice to hear from them every week. They're great men and I wish their families appreciated them as they should. One of them has very ungrateful grandchildren. They told him they wouldn't use pens which he'd collected for years before they were even born. They told him they were useless, and that is just so disrespectful to me. You don't do that to your grandparents. UGH. I will never forget these two men. They have changed frowns to smiles so many times, just because they always remember to stop in and say hi :-) I'll never forget them.
Anyway, one of them said recently, that he regretted everything he didn't do in his childhood. The pain I felt in his voice brought tears to my eyes. He was old enough that he did not have the ability to do all of the things he regretted not doing. I don't want to do that. I don't want to feel that way when I'm older. I want to achieve everything and leave out nothing. Here is to adventures, and never being scared to try a new thing! I promise to take the offered adventures, and to make the best of all of them!
More on Cali
Anyway, things are falling nicely into place. I have the interview in California coming up. I talked to Bob, the manager of the California store, yesterday, and I am even more excited than I originally was -- if that is even possible. They are a great and very talented group of people, I really hope I fit in and am able to really get into working with them. I hope they offer me enough money to join their team and live out in California.
I can't wait. I leave on the 20th and I get back on the 27th. W00t, whole week of no work. When was the last time that happened??? I can't even remember. I'm so excited. They have such a beautiful place. I can't wait. I need to start studying up on some of the companies they sell which I don't currently deal with. I need to know some specs on each and pros and cons. Welcome back to studying! EEEEP. I cannot wait!
Everything else is going. I can't really say much about Joe. I'm in and out on that one. There is so much distance between us that most of the time lately I cannot tell anything from what he's saying and doing. I end up mad about something, and he doesn't see it at all. I don't know what to do anymore. Four weeks ago I would have said fight until we figured it out, but I'm starting to realize that that may not be possible. We don't talk anymore. He realizes once and a while that he hasn't heard from me and gets back in touch a little, but nothing more. This wasn't supposed to happen this time. I cannot, and will not play this back and forth game anymore. I've felt like this for years, and if this is really the end of it, let it be. But I don't like feeling like a yo-yo. I'm around when he wants me around and that is the way it has stayed. I want him to be around when I want him around, because we want to see each other, and I think it is quite beyond that point now. I think he made that choice when he said that two hours away was too far away to date. I just don't know. It is going to take something pretty drastic to make me really take another look into whether or not this is going to work out in the end. We all want our happy ending, but we have to realize that happy endings are relative. They aren't the same for every person, and they certainly are a little more than deluded childhood dreams.
Happy endings are a thing of fairy tales. They are a thing of dreams. Men are not knights who ride in and rescue you from yourself or your enemies. They don't even have horses anymore. But they are not what we make them out to be. Men are selfish, just like women are. Men are going to go for what works for them. Lack of commitment and lots of ass. And that is fine, we don't have to like it, we don't have to be okay with it even. But what we do have to do is stop expecting each and every guy to be perfect and rescue us. We set ourselves up for this crap. We set ourselves up to be bantered around and played. We know what we're getting into, deny it all we want, but we aren't that stupid. Well, most of us aren't anyway. So what now? Where do we go from here? As yourself what you want and get on to it.
<3
M
I can't wait. I leave on the 20th and I get back on the 27th. W00t, whole week of no work. When was the last time that happened??? I can't even remember. I'm so excited. They have such a beautiful place. I can't wait. I need to start studying up on some of the companies they sell which I don't currently deal with. I need to know some specs on each and pros and cons. Welcome back to studying! EEEEP. I cannot wait!
Everything else is going. I can't really say much about Joe. I'm in and out on that one. There is so much distance between us that most of the time lately I cannot tell anything from what he's saying and doing. I end up mad about something, and he doesn't see it at all. I don't know what to do anymore. Four weeks ago I would have said fight until we figured it out, but I'm starting to realize that that may not be possible. We don't talk anymore. He realizes once and a while that he hasn't heard from me and gets back in touch a little, but nothing more. This wasn't supposed to happen this time. I cannot, and will not play this back and forth game anymore. I've felt like this for years, and if this is really the end of it, let it be. But I don't like feeling like a yo-yo. I'm around when he wants me around and that is the way it has stayed. I want him to be around when I want him around, because we want to see each other, and I think it is quite beyond that point now. I think he made that choice when he said that two hours away was too far away to date. I just don't know. It is going to take something pretty drastic to make me really take another look into whether or not this is going to work out in the end. We all want our happy ending, but we have to realize that happy endings are relative. They aren't the same for every person, and they certainly are a little more than deluded childhood dreams.
Happy endings are a thing of fairy tales. They are a thing of dreams. Men are not knights who ride in and rescue you from yourself or your enemies. They don't even have horses anymore. But they are not what we make them out to be. Men are selfish, just like women are. Men are going to go for what works for them. Lack of commitment and lots of ass. And that is fine, we don't have to like it, we don't have to be okay with it even. But what we do have to do is stop expecting each and every guy to be perfect and rescue us. We set ourselves up for this crap. We set ourselves up to be bantered around and played. We know what we're getting into, deny it all we want, but we aren't that stupid. Well, most of us aren't anyway. So what now? Where do we go from here? As yourself what you want and get on to it.
<3
M
Thursday, September 3, 2009
So here is to something new
Things had to change. So they changed. And, while I felt things were falling apart, suddenly things were getting a whole lot better.
About a week ago, I was at work, answering phones, par the usual, "Thank you for calling Pen Boutique, this is Emily. How can I help you?" When on the other end of the phone,
"Hi, Emily, this is Bob, from Bittners. We met at the pen show."
"Hi, how are you doing?"
"Well thanks, and yourself. How is your Omas?"
"I love it, it is fantastic."
"I have a question for you. Were you serious about moving to a better location?"
"Yes, of course!"
"Okay, are you busy?"
"No, not really"
"I'll call you back."
That was interesting. About ten minutes later, the owner of Bittner's pens called.
"Hi, this is Bittner. I hear you'd be interested in coming out to California and seeing our location."
So, he takes my cell, and we talk later -- after I'm done with work. Bittner basically said "I'm going to send you a ticket to Carmel California and you can come out for a week and interact in our operations. Then, you we can discuss you joining our team"
Holy cow. I already have tickets to go to California in a few weeks to be there for a week -- they sent them a few days ago. What an opportunity. They both told me how impressed they were with me when they saw me at the pen show this year. I was joking with Bob about getting a job with them in Hawaii. I think I actually prefer Carmel California. It is one of the last little artists' hide aways in the USA. It is absolutely beautiful and referred to as Carmel by the sea. Even though I'm not addicted to the sea the idea of this just feels so right. I'm actually super excited to get out there and see this place. This shop has so much overhead and so much money to just survive. It is absolutely the coolest place ever. Some of the most famous people in American writing history spent time in Carmel as they were writing some of their greatest works. Count me in folks, I'm outta here if this job comes through. And probably if it doesn't.
Oh, yeah, about that. The rents are moving to Chicago. And though I'm not sure I'll love Chicago, I cannot afford to stay in MD and live around here. Though, my boss says she'll make sure that I have the same two days off so I can get a second job, rather than her trying to help me out or actually pay me what I deserve. She wants me to be the manager, but she doesn't want to pay me anything more than the shit pay she already pays me. I can't wait to get out of here.
There had been other options on the table. There was Philadelphia, but apparently that would have been a horrible choice. There is also Florida, which I don't love the idea of, and there is Tennessee where Angela is. Tho, Angela said that if I am heading to CA she'll come with and move out and find a job. We'd have so much fun together! I really don't want to go on my own...but. I need an adventure. I need to get away from the old things which are always hanging over my head. I need to be out on my own and making my own way in the world. It should be interesting. I am super excited to figure all of this out. Two weeks from Sunday I'm off to California -- Off to figure out what I'm doing with the rest of my life.
About a week ago, I was at work, answering phones, par the usual, "Thank you for calling Pen Boutique, this is Emily. How can I help you?" When on the other end of the phone,
"Hi, Emily, this is Bob, from Bittners. We met at the pen show."
"Hi, how are you doing?"
"Well thanks, and yourself. How is your Omas?"
"I love it, it is fantastic."
"I have a question for you. Were you serious about moving to a better location?"
"Yes, of course!"
"Okay, are you busy?"
"No, not really"
"I'll call you back."
That was interesting. About ten minutes later, the owner of Bittner's pens called.
"Hi, this is Bittner. I hear you'd be interested in coming out to California and seeing our location."
So, he takes my cell, and we talk later -- after I'm done with work. Bittner basically said "I'm going to send you a ticket to Carmel California and you can come out for a week and interact in our operations. Then, you we can discuss you joining our team"
Holy cow. I already have tickets to go to California in a few weeks to be there for a week -- they sent them a few days ago. What an opportunity. They both told me how impressed they were with me when they saw me at the pen show this year. I was joking with Bob about getting a job with them in Hawaii. I think I actually prefer Carmel California. It is one of the last little artists' hide aways in the USA. It is absolutely beautiful and referred to as Carmel by the sea. Even though I'm not addicted to the sea the idea of this just feels so right. I'm actually super excited to get out there and see this place. This shop has so much overhead and so much money to just survive. It is absolutely the coolest place ever. Some of the most famous people in American writing history spent time in Carmel as they were writing some of their greatest works. Count me in folks, I'm outta here if this job comes through. And probably if it doesn't.
Oh, yeah, about that. The rents are moving to Chicago. And though I'm not sure I'll love Chicago, I cannot afford to stay in MD and live around here. Though, my boss says she'll make sure that I have the same two days off so I can get a second job, rather than her trying to help me out or actually pay me what I deserve. She wants me to be the manager, but she doesn't want to pay me anything more than the shit pay she already pays me. I can't wait to get out of here.
There had been other options on the table. There was Philadelphia, but apparently that would have been a horrible choice. There is also Florida, which I don't love the idea of, and there is Tennessee where Angela is. Tho, Angela said that if I am heading to CA she'll come with and move out and find a job. We'd have so much fun together! I really don't want to go on my own...but. I need an adventure. I need to get away from the old things which are always hanging over my head. I need to be out on my own and making my own way in the world. It should be interesting. I am super excited to figure all of this out. Two weeks from Sunday I'm off to California -- Off to figure out what I'm doing with the rest of my life.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Je me sens comme si j'ai redécouvert mon autre moitié.
Hey folks, time for a real update versus a random rant about something which is probably interesting to me -- and not to anyone else.
So what has been going on with me lately.
Work, and a lot of it has been going on lately. I guess that is just what I'm doing these days. I work five days a week and skirt the edges of forty hours a week. I'm making a pretty good paycheck, and speaking of paychecks I need to deposit my most recent one tomorrow. I'm supposed to meet with my boss sometime soon about a raise and such not, but I do not know if that will actually happen before I find another job and turn in my resignation.
Aside from working there has been not too much going on. I've had quite a bit of time to just be around, and do very little. I haven't gotten a lot done recently. I finished The Tenth Circle which was not my favorite of the Jodi Picoult novels. It was quite raw and rather disturbing in some ways. I don't particularly like books about some of the topics she writes about -- and this was very little exception to the rule. I was, however, told to read this book because it was good. I yield to the fact that it was another very well written novel -- but I just did not prefer the subject matter. Tons of things can tear families apart, and bring them back together. This particular novel was a little too -- and by a little I really mean a lot -- predictable.
As par the rest of life. I've a few good friends I'm still keeping in touch with. Angela is doing well and looking awesome lately -- on her new diet. This one is actually working. I've kept in touch with Katy to a large extent --when she actually answers her phone :-). I don't think that I would have imagined that I'd be in this particular situation, again, at this point in my life. I always assumed that eventually I'd figure things out and they'd just meld into the fabric of my lifetime. I almost figured that the memories would fade overtime and that is just how it would end up working out. But, in the long run it isn't the same situation and it isn't going to be. I've gotten back into whatever this awesome thing is with a guy who has been in and out of my life for years now...it is amazing to think that it has been five years. It feels like nothing close to that amount of time. I marvel every day at how much we've both changed, and yet, we're completely on the same page -- which is pretty fantastic.
I have been having issues with thinking up rhyming/coordinating stanzas for things...and then forgetting them. SO I wrote this one down:
When darkness yields to the light of morning dawning
The sadness fades to a field of yearning
Beauty stretches it's fingers through the world
And stories dance, futures untold
Sunday, June 7, 2009
At Work Again
Work, work, and...work? I kinda feel like that is all I have been doing lately. I'm here a ton of my life. By the time I got home last night it was 10 pm and I was already feeling as though I wanted to curl up in bed and go to sleep. However, I was at the climax of a rather good book called Skin Trade -- by Laurrel K Hamilton. This is something like the 16th book in a series I've been reading since...Kat introduced me to the 7th book Sophomore year in college?? Needless to say, I'm addicted, and will continue reading and owning this whole series as she keeps writing them. The premise? you ask...well. It is the one and only Anita Blake - Necromacer and Vampire Hunter. The themes of the books have changed quite dramatically and sadly I feel the series coming to an end. I just hope good old Hamilton doesn't kill her off just for fun. I mean, this last book she makes two of the main Vampire warriors promise to kill her if she becomes to evil. I'm sensing this is where it is going... I need to go back and re-read some of these books, as well as this on, cause I keep thinking of things I read which just were not clear at all. I'll chat with Katy about it once she finishes it. Hear that Katy?? Get reading!
Currently I'm at work, though I may have already established that...so I'm going to peace and actually get something done for the next three hours. That something may well be reading The Tenth Circle -- by Jodi Picoult but regardless, it'd be something.
I don't have too much to write about today, perhaps it has all gone into my physical journal :-). Anyway, I'll probably post a little more here later if I do have some time tonight, which I should since I'm off at 6. *Happy Dance*
Saturday, May 23, 2009
More Thinking
Welcome back to the world,
I've been doing some serious thinking lately about reading "The Shack". Number one, I think I'm going to read it again, even though I know the ending already. But the main reason I want to read it again is to take a little more time to try and figure out what is going on in the underlying text when I take the time to read it a little more slowly and really figure out what else there is hidden in the words on the page. It was a very very interesting read, and I look forward to getting through it again.
After that one, there are a couple on my list to read, including a few more Jodi Picoult. Looking around here, I realize that I've misplaced The 10th Circle. That is the book which I was to be reading next. I'm going to have to try and find that.
that's the run down for the evening. Until next time --
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