:-/

I'm waiting for Prince Charming

I have to say,

     The pot is still alarming.

You live your life in a haze of smoke,

     Too high to see me.

I burn at your touch,

You moan at mine.

But I have to admit,

That you were rough last time.

Do you have to be high

     to touch me

     to see me

     to want me

     to be with me?

You're playing around blackness

The way the haze moves in

    like a dampening fog.

Take away what is really there,

     Hide it away

And see nothing

But,

Whatever it makes you see.

Watermark

So, getting this blog back to where it is actually supposed to be: I just finished reading --  

by Vanitha Sankaran. 

This was a pretty impressive read. It didn't take me too long to finish, but it was certainly a book I was not, at any point, ready to put down and finish later. 

The premise for this book was actually quite interesting, and I really loved the way the first chapter was done. Thrown into the mess we were. 

A midwife, against the orders of the church, cuts a baby from her dying mother's womb. The baby, born albino -- in a world where witchcraft and heritics are found and killed through ignorance and supersition by friends and neighbors -- is taken by the midwife. The midwife knows that she should kill the child...

but she cannot bring herself to do it. Instead, she cuts out the child's tongue so that the babe may never preach the words of the devil.

The baby's sister and father rescue her, but there is nothing they can do. She is mute. Mute in a world who already fears her because of her coloring... most importantly, her eyes.

Her father is a papermaker. He does not sell much and simply enjoys the work he does. She becomes his apprentice and goes on during the time of heritics and death by the church. The whole story is about her life and how she hides herself away from the damndation of the church and accidentally brings the heritics right into her families lives. 

An absolutely amazing read! It wasn't on my list, but has now been added and scratched out. I soon will be starting On Folly Beach:

by Karen White. 

It is a mystery and I'm rather looking forward to seeing what this novel has to offer. 

I'll keep everyone updated.

True Freedom

What were we like as children, before we were hurt by anything the first time? What were we like when we were naive to the pain of the world? And, how, I ask, do we return to that place from wence we came?

I would love to know the answers to these riddles, for my past doggs me like a shadow some days, and today is particularly bad.

As I try and delve further into my future, a future that I always felt I wouldn't have -- for some odd reason. I am finding it very hard to move forward and leave the past where it fell. First, let me explain about this not having a future thing. I have always felt as though there was no worry about considering the future. I never thought I would make it to college, and from there, I could have never imagined that I would make it to where I am today. There is no specific reason, just a feeling, and it has shadowed me these long years. It has, however, abated lately and I can see that there is something for me. What fun -- now I just have to figure out what it is.

Time to figure out how to move forward, and really leave the past behind.

Of all the things i've believed in
I just wanna get it over with
Tears from behind me eyes but i do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that i'm hearing are starting to get old
Feels like i'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend

And I said...
Good-bye to you
Good-bye to everything that i knew
You were the one that i loved
The one thing that i tried to hold on to

I used to get lost in your eyes
And it seem that i can't live without you
Closing my eyes and you case my thoughts away
To a place that i am blinded by the light

But it's not right...

Good-bye to you
Good-bye to everything that i knew
You were the one that i loved
The one thing that i tried to hold on to

It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time

Good-bye to you
Good-bye to everything that i knew
You were the one that i loved
The one thing that i tried to hold on to

The one thing that i tried to hold on to...

Good-bye to you
Good-bye to everything that i knew
You were the one that i loved
The one thing that i tried to hold on to


And when the stars fall i will lie awake...

You're my shooting star...

updates from back down 'south'

Yes, technically, Maryland is south. And yes, I'm back down south -- though most people who actually read this already know that.

Lets get to some updates:
Life in Emily land has been pretty laid back. I'm slowly getting into the playing of disk again, and still have the throws, but need the endurance back. I'm tired of feeling tired. I really need to start working out again and get myself back into better shape. It is, afterall, almost bikini season! And with bikini season it is flip flop season...and thus the season to get my tattoo! That should be fun and will require a road trip to visit the artist who has been reccomended in NY. And, of course, to see some more of Katy.
I've got my resume up and posted, and have been searching through lists and lists of jobs trying to figure out if there is actually something I want to do and as an even added bonus, something I'm qualified for. I'll be seeing what happens, as it just comes and continues on with day to day life.
Last weekend was an adventure, to say the least. Gettysburg for the weekend is always fun, and everything else is just a bonus. I got to hang out with Joe, who has (in conjuncture with myself) decided that we should be friends...if that happens. Needless to say straying to friends with benifits will be quite easy and get thrown into the 'don't have weekend regrets' category.
Disk was fun, though extremely windy and very cold. I went up friday night and hung out with Joe and Lisa and Geoff and Al. I rather enjoyed hanging out with that group. I'd never managed to hang out with Al w/o Ashley -- and it was actually quite a good time.
Saturday morning dawned way too early and it was quite obvious that it was very cold...and only going to get colder. Welcome to brrrr. And winter in the middle of what should have been a beautiful spring weekend. It was very cold, but we banged out a few games and managed to win all of our games, even coming down to the Alumni v. Gettysburg game (the last of the day). By that time we were SO cold that most of us were huddling around trying to save a scrap of warmth. Ugh. It was awful. We did not really enjoy the whole cold bit.
We finished the tournament and Joe and I headed back to Lisa and Geoff's place. After hopping quick showers we went out to a long wait for dinner and then back to the apartment to hang out. Hanging out resulted in nap time, which was fantastic. I was still cold and exhausted so getting to cuddle up and take a well deserved nap was just fantastic.
The nap could have turned into sleeping for the night, but instead we went out to the Blue Parrot and hung out with all of our alumni friends and some others from around. It was a good time, though a few of the moements were a bit rather awkward.
After that it was back to the apartment for the evening, with much crashing and shenanegans...  and then time to get up for another cold day of disk. Both weekend days were deceptively cold. Nice in the morning and colder and colder throughout the day. The wind wasn't as bad on Sunday, at least to start. We rocked two of the games and lost our last one against Gettysburg. By that time people were all cold and ready to go home.
I dropped Joe off, managed a hug and got told to say hi to 'Taz' for him. And so ended the weekend at Gettysburg.
Jim and I headed back to my house and had a really wonderful dinner before just about passing out on the couch. I think I tanked around 9 pm and have spent quite a bit of time recovering from the long weekend of cold and lack of sleep.

The rest of this week has been keeping the house clean and ready to be on the market, disk, and taking the dogs to the park. It was pretty fun and very much nice taking the dogs out. I've been relaxing, and it is now time to chill and get ready to get back to the gym on Monday and heading to workout for the next weeks to come.
I've been invited to join a disk team out of Balimore with a couple of people I've played with over the years. Topher most importantly. It is always lovely to get a call and have someone say "We are in need of good girls, and your name came up." What fun. I can't wait to get some time to run around with a real team. I have really missed playing competitive ultimate. So.. this should be an adventure... time to get back in the gym and get my ass back in shape! Also...finding a job would be good.

end of story...

Dreams

Dreams are weird and strange things. I really do not enjoy what I dream some days. It is almost as though someone is provoking me and laughing at the realization that I cannot have of what I dream. It screws me over and screws me up. It takes me days to shake off the way that I feel after waking up.

and by the way Great tea ginger ale is fantastic.

Okay, back to the dreams:
A few days ago I was given to re-visit the way that I used to so frequently dream. I have blessedly been un hindered in my dreaming of Joe and 'perfection' for at least six months, but like an acme anvil they flattened me and my dream state by rudely interrupting the pleasantries of my dreams.

Anyway, the dreams really sucked, and I'll leave it at that. Sometimes the torture of the dreams I feel really does hurt every day. I wish for the 'reality' I dream about, but I know that it can never be.

April Fools

If I say "I love you."

Just today,

Will I have the strength

To have you laugh it away.

Would I be able to say it

Just to get it away.

My heart is breaking

Holding it all inside.

But today,

Maybe I could say it,

And let it go

Maybe I could be okay.

Then you could laugh

And you could wonder

Are you the fool,

or am I?